Eye opener

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My youngest son was recently dx'ed with mild PDD. He is only ~19 mos old. He is a spunky little guy and despite his inconsistent eye contact and speech delay I really didn't really "get" why he was diagnosed 2 points deviations below his age. Today for the first time I took him to the playground and put him on the swing. He seemed to enjoy it. He was just being his typical self. Some giggling, and sporadic (very) fleeting eye contact. I thought--no meltdowns on the swing, which is so much better than his brother was at his age--yay, this is great! Then another kid his age got on the swing and I saw a remarkable difference as to how engaged an NT child is with his parent. The difference couldn't have been starker. The other kid was looking around, truly engaged, looking into my eyes, his caregiver's eyes without prompting, and really IN TUNE with PEOPLE. Then another child sat on the adjacent swing after that boy left--and that boy was 12 mos old and ALSO much more engaged with people and reciprocity than my kid! My son--looking all around, not at me so much, not much at the other kids, more in an introverted way, which is how he normally is. I had reasoned to myself, Well, since he's so much more engaged than his older brother used to be then he's not really that delayed, and that perhaps the psychologist who assessed him was exaggerating a little bit(!)--but then when I saw what NT kids were like right next to him, I was stunned. I'm still sort of stunned as I write this. As a parent on the spectrum, I also realized I had a lot to learn from other parents too--how they interacted with their kids, which I simultaneously realized how deficient I am. I began to copy things other parents were doing because I realized I might be making my child more behind by not acting NT enough myself! OMG!! !! !! !!

I doubt you are making your child less NT. I think to an extent we can't help but absorb some of what our children do. When my son was really little and not making eye-contact. I stopped making as much eye contact. When he started making eye contact, I realized that I wasn't doing it so much, and adjusted to making more and felt really bad about having apparently decreased it. I do not think I caused any long term issues, and honestly I may have made the initial decrease because I sensed it made him uncomfortable at that time. I would not beat yourself up. As parents we rely on the signals our kids send us, too.

Thanks ASDMom, I really appreciate your feedback, it really does help getting some positive reinforcement once in a while

I wondered what the psychologist meant when she wrote my son had a "flat affect". I didn't understand it until an NT child was compared side by side. I think I probably have a flat affect too, come to think of it. Yikes!

They are probably referring to monotone speech. If your child does not emphasize words, while speaking and it all sounds, well, flat. Although at 19 months that seems early to note that, if that is what they mean.

Maybe I am wrong at it means something else. I am sure others will pipe in.

He does not speak yet. He just only started to say "More" (as "Ma!") and "Boom" which he used to say but lost and then started up again this past Saturday. I think the psychologist meant his expressions were flat. He didn't really show many facial expressions.

The "refrigerator mother" theory has been debunked as a cause of autistic kids' withdrawn behaviors so don't worry that you somehow have caused him to be the way he is. It does help when you engage with him but there isn't necessarily a "right" way to do that. It sounds like you are already quite observant, nurturing and caring so I think you are probably doing just fine. My son is 7 and I still find myself being lulled into thinking that he isn't really all that different from his peers then I am reminded by something he says or does or something one of his friends does that he does have differences.

If your kid has autism its likely he is not going to act 'neurotypical' because he's not. Trying to act more NT or copy NT parents likely won't help I'd say let the kid be autistic. Some things aren't really worth pushing, if some behaviors become an issue that could bother other people like if he starts poking people all the time or something then yeah efforts should be made to stop that kind of thing. But someone with autism is going to act a bit different than someone without it and that is ok.

Thanks everyone, it really means a lot to receive your perspectives and feedback. I often feel so confused so all your words are a huge help! Thank you!

I know what you mean. It's always a reminder when I interact with other kids.

I hope you don't think having AS will worsen your abilities as a mom. Probably they will help. I'm NT and sometimes I just don't get my kid and run out of patience trying. My mom, who I'm pretty sure has AS to some extend, is the one who really gets him.