My dad criticizes my being afraid

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It seems ever since I became a teenager, my dad would want me to always be brave. Whenever I'm nervous he would tell me to cut it out, and it isn't easy because he often scares me to the point of my teeth chattering! (I have a very strict father with a real anger problem, and have had quite a few nightmares about him. My parents don't want me to move out, so there is nothing I can do about it.)

So my dad thinks it's stupid to be scared, not just of him but of ANYTHING. He thinks I should be totally fearless. And he even criticizes when I facepalm! He thinks that's abnormal.

my advice, should you choose to consider it, would be to get away from your parents any way you can, if you are at age of legal majority. you need to develop independently of them, for your own good.

I'm not sure what to say except I'm sorry you are struggling.

Your father is probably trying to help you deal with anxiety and just going about it totally wrong. Many parents were raised in a time where they were taught to "white-knuckle" through life and ignore their feelings and fears. It's not unlikely that your father's anger management problem is a result of this.

Problem is, he's unlikely to ever see or understand this himself. You are going to have to figure out a way to manage your relationship with him. Can you leave the room when he frightens you? (I am assuming you are physically safe, because if not, you should reach out for help to a professional.)

I thought this might help: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative ... ml#p559656

Also sometimes, depending on cultural values it is a gender related thing. He might have an old fashioned view of masculinity that he is trying to enforce. My husbands family has that view of boys not being allowed to be afraid (even little ones) or go to mommy when injured and that kind of thing. It is ridiculous.

Him not "wanting you to move" is irrelevant. If you are of age, have enough skills to be on your own, and can afford to live on your own (even with a room-mate--if that is feasible) then that is your right. If he does not like you being "afraid" than theoretically he should be happy for you to be brave enough to do this, right?

If this is not in your comfort zone, that is OK. In that case, I would also recommend doing your best to avoid him when angry. (although I agree with Momsparky, that if he is abusive this needs to be handled completely differently. If you are not sure if he is abusive, I would still contact a local organization designed to help those in abusive situations) I would also recommend avoiding sharing activities with him that make you afraid, so you do not have to listen to him lecture about your reactions.

Remind your dad that it takes courage to go forward when you are afraid but it doesn't take any to do so when you aren't afraid.

That being said, I think he may be trying to teach you to not show your fear rather than to not be afraid at all. I've had some serious fears that I had to get over, and I had to go to therapy and take Xanax to do that, but once the fear is gone it seems that it's gone for good. At least in my situation.

If I were you I'd try and push you way through smaller fears. Situations and things you are just somewhat afraid of, and try to do so without showing it or showing it too much. Once you learn to do that it's easier to progress into situations that you are more afraid of.

You said this has been going on since you became a teenager, so I think your dad is trying to teach you that while some behavior may be appropriate for children it is not at all appropriate for teenagers or adults. Showing fear over really scary things (a tornado coming your way, a robber, the doctor saying something is suspicious) is perfectly ok, but when we show lots of fear over something that most people don't consider really scary, it makes others wonder what our problem is. If it's one or two things you have a phobia about then it's usually ok, but if it's a lot of things or it's a phobia object that's commonly encountered, then you should learn to just walk away from it but not show that you are afraid of it.

An example of that would be that one of the kids friends (he's 25 or so now) has a terrible fear of shrimp, paper towels and albinos. He doesn't see albinos much so that's not a worry, shrimp isn't usually thrust upon him unexpectedly so that's ok too, but paper towels are everywhere. He's had to learn to say something like "No thanks, I'd rather use a towel. Skin condition" or something like that most of the time. His close friends know that he's got a phobia about them and not to put them near him, and that he's got an actual phobia and gets terrified so much that it's not even something you would want to put on him as a joke. So, if you can learn to handle the situation without showing that you are afraid of something, it will work out better usually.

Two more points and I'll stop typing. The first is that many times people will see someone (especially a guy) afraid of something that is seemed "silly" and they will make fun of them for it. You don't want people to make fun of you, try not to give them any ammo. I've been on the receiving end of that a lot, and I handed them a whole lot of ammo. The second point I want to make is that the situation won't change simply because you are showing fear. I know that sometimes I have sometimes felt this irrational feeling when afraid that if I completely freaked out about it, the situation would somehow get better. It doesn't. It usually gets worse. I honestly think that comes from when I was little and would freak out and somebody would then fix whatever was wrong. Showing fear won't change the situation but it can change how you or others react to it. It's a whole lot easier to get more afraid if you are already acting like you are afraid. For some reason, if you keep acting and looking and sounding calm then it's much harder to take that leap from fear to panic. It also prevents others from freaking out too. Say there was a tornado coming this way and I was home with my kids. I would need to get them into the hall with blankets and pillows over them and get them there right now. I'm also terrified of tornadoes (yet we have them many times a year down here - go figure) but if I do what feels natural to me in the situation (yelling, running on and on about it, saying we are gonna die, etc) then I won't be able to think as clearly about how to keep me and the kids safe plus it will get them scared too and they would be harder to control and it would be harder to get them to do what they need to do to be safe. In fact, pretending to be calm would make me feel a little more calm. So, that's something you might want to keep in mind too. Not showing fear doesn't just make others think you are braver, it helps you keep a clearer head and do what you need to do in the situation and it helps keep your fear from increasing.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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