Autistic children more prone to say extreme things?

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Obviously autistic children melt-down, some self-harm, some get suicidal etc. but I wanted to know whether they are also prone to actually saying extreme things too.

My 8yo HFA daughter has said things like "I might as well be dead" before, which broke my heart, and I've told her how special and precious and amazing she is. I don't know if she does it for effect, or whether she actually feels that way, but she is up and down.

My 11yo AS daughter, had a mini-meltdown today because she didn't like me rushing her to be ready for a visitor's imminent arrival. She screamed at me "I'm going to phone a child abuse number!" which really upset me. When she had calmed down a little, she said she said it was because she was angry. I told her that I understand that everyone says things they don't mean when they are angry, but that this was really hurtful and wrong to say.

I think it's hard enough being a parent, as it is for anyone, but as an Aspie myself, it's so hard not to take things literally and it goes really deep into me when people say bad things. It's therefore made me think, what if despite me giving my all as a parent, and doing so much for them, I don't make her happy and she thinks that is some sort of abuse. I don't know if she even fully gets what actual child abuse is, but even so, it's such an awful thing for your child to say. I can't shake it out of my mind.

My husband is always telling me that I take things they say too seriously, but I don't know how normal it is for children (autistic or otherwise) to say such extreme things.

I also know children generally can be mouthy and at that puberty age, it's even worse, but it really concerns me to hear things like that.

Does anyone else have experience of this with their autistic child?

I can't say for certain. My NT 6 yo (and all the other young adult NTs in my family) tend to say things to get a rile out of their parents. I remember in my early teens telling my mother some pretty harsh things because I wanted to hurt her feelings. The fact is, children always test the boundaries and see what they can say and get away with. I quickly learned that if I had anything nasty to say to/about my mother, I better say it under my breath away from her or I would be in big trouble. My father never got any of that from me because, well, father's just don't get all the crap from kids that mother's get. There is a lot of reasons for that, mostly, emotional manipulation would have been completely lost on him. My father loved me, but he really didn't care about my many fleeting moods. However, my mom wore her heart on her sleeve so getting to her was not that hard.

I wasn't a bad kid, I was just a kid. That's what kids do. But, even though my words hurt my mom, she demanded respect. So, no matter what I said about her, I made sure to whisper it, out of sight. My 6 yo is learning that whatever he says, he needs to say it out of my sight. He still tries to test the boundaries and write his thoughts on scraps of paper and leave it in my path. But I make sure he gets no reaction from me to show it upsets me and I immediately correct the bad behavior.

I would guess she (either of your daughters) is trying to show how extreme her feelings are. They might be way more extreme than what is expected for the situation and she may feel the only thing to do is alter reality (Lie) to fit her level of emotion and get her point across. I don't know what you can do to get her to stop. I would try to validate her pain as much as possible without putting too much emphasis on the lie. An example would be that if you've refused her something and she says that you're being abusive then you can say you understand how much it hurts to not get what she wants (be specific) but don't completely ignore her threats of abuse allegations. I would address them, let her know you would be sad if she would be taken away by child's services but that ultimately weather or not she calls them is up to her. She may make her threat over and over again but if she doesn't get an extreme reaction out of you it should loose it's power.

With both your girls you have to think about how to help with such extreme emotions, not because of what they say or how they act, but because you want them to be happy. I, like yourself, have AS and when I was younger I had the most horrible rages. I was deeply unhappy, but everyone around me felt concerned with my behaviour and not my feelings. I would recommend approaching this from the position of wanting them to be happy and not from wanting them to stop saying hurtful things. Let them know you're on their side and looking out for their best interest. I know it get stressful. I go through this too. Be strong.

I think its part of the black and white thinking. My son allows for very little in shades of gray. Its either the "best day" he's ever had in his "whole life" or he "hates" me or I'm "the best mom in the whole world"... Our days typically swing from one extreme to the other. I also agree with KateUher that he probably does feel these emotions more intensely than we sometimes think the situation would warrant and he expresses it with superlative adjectives! I try to just accept that he feels much more strongly about certain things than I do. I don't take it personally when he says angry words to me because I know from experience that if I leave him be for whatever amount of time he needs to calm down and re-group that I can go into his room (where he usually is after he has shouted mean things at me) talk softly and ask for a hug and he will come and give me one. Sometimes he apologizes, sometimes I do and we work it out. I know he never means it when he says mean things that are directed at me.

My 5yo daughter said she wished she was dead earlier! She says things like that a lot, despite me asking her not to and explaining that we all love her and tell her all the wonderful things about her and how it upsets us when she says that. She also scratches, bites, hits herself. She is very interested in death and asks questions about it a lot.

Other Mums of NT kids have said their kids talk about death and can become fascinated with it so I know thats normal. As far as saying they wish they were dead I dont think thats normal, but as you say HFA/AS kids go to the extreme. I think when my daughter says that sort of thing she doesnt mean or really understand it so I dont worry too much but just try to reassure her. She also exaggerates things at school and talks as though she is being picked on but I know she definately isnt.

I once wrote I was going to kill myself and that I wanted to be dead on a paper in school in the 6th grade because I was depressed. its hard for me to put my feelings into works so I say extreme things because I have trouble expressing my emotions

Yes the Black and White thing, my daughter only sees 'love' and 'hate', theres no 'quite like' or 'not sure about', shes very adamant about loving things or people and will go over the top with the way she expresses herself, and equally when shes feeling upset she hates everything and is rolling around on the floor in turmoil but it seems very put on, I dont think its real emotion, just a learnt response and she cant see the middle ground.

Also I have problems with family members who dont believe me that my daughter has problems, they think autism is where the child cant talk, will never have a job, family or normal life - or they are comepletly NT, nothing in between, which is just ridiculous. This is because they have the traits themselves and cannot see that its a spectrum.

I think it is a combination of an impulse control thing and an "extremes" thing. My daughter experiences emotions to the extremes. I think it is probably due to an underlying difficulty with regulation. She also has difficulty with impulse control when she is in any heightened emotional state. She has said things like this before, and the first time it was like a knife to my heart. Now, though, I am a bit more immune to it because I realize it is a fleeting experience that she blurts out at a time when her ability to control herself is diminished. I have decided that unless she says something of the sort when she is in a less excitable state, it is likely not a reflection of her true thoughts and feelings. Just a reflection of her poor impulse control and heightened emotions. Rationalizing through it that way has helped. I'm glad she doesn't do it very often, though. Because even with that rational protective barrier, it is not an easy thing to hear.

Yes there is definitely a regulation problem. My 8yo has pretty extreme emotional dysregulation. She cries at the drop of a hat, she will cry even if music has a slow tempo because it is sad to her, which she's done ever since being a toddler.

They are so resilient though, after they say all these devastating things to me, and I'm wandering around feeling bruised to the core, they carry on as if nothing has happened and laughing their heads off within minutes.

Yup, we have it, too. It can also be a pragmatics problem - kids on the spectrum don't tend to understand the "weight" we give certain words or phrases and that there is gradation.

For instance, here's a range I just made up for anger:

"bummer."
"Seriously?!"
"You are kidding me!"
"There is no way I will..."
"You suck!"
"I hate you"
"I wish you were dead"
"I'm going to kill you!"

DS used to skip right to the last one (sadness tends to end with suicidal ideation.) It took a lot of coaching and speech therapy for him to understand that you don't go with the nuclear option first. One of the tools we used was an "emotion thermometer" where he would rate his physical body response on a scale, and then pick the word on a similarly-graduated scale. He still has to check his physical symptoms when he's trying to describe how he feels.

I don't think it is resilience. I think they do not have theory of mind to understand how hurtful words can be. There are many things my son does not like if someone does to him, but he will go and do it to someone else, anyway. Your child probably doesn't see the need to make amends or show contrition. He/She's over it so you should be too.

Sometimes they may not understand exactly what it is they're saying.

We have a scary, dangerous old gas heater in our house and in the winter we're afraid our 4YO son may accidentally put something into it and set the house on fire or burn himself, so we've drummed it into his head about things catching on fire and how terrible it is. He probably thinks catching on fire is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. Now whenever he's mad, he wants whatever/whoever he's mad at to "catch on fire". It's his way of saying he wishes bad toward it.

Someone told me about a little girl on his schoolbus who told some older boys she was going to "rape" them when they were teasing her. She didn't know what it meant, only that it was a very bad thing to do to somebody.