Support ... Long Over Due

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My name is Stacy. My 19 yo son was diagnosed with Autism/AS around the age of 5. I used to look for local support groups, and ways to connect, both for me and my son. I found there were not many places to go (at least nowhere near us), and the information I found always seemed to be the same ... a TRUCKLOAD of information about Autism ... signs, symptoms, characteristics, problems that may occur, articles on children being bullied, articles on how IEP's were not done correctly, etc., but very little information on what to do about any of these situations. The problems were plenty, but resolutions were few. I was also SO overwhelmed by the amount of information (especially technical information) that I would just shut down and say, "forget it, we'll figure it out on our own". And we have done, pretty well for the most part.

Early on the docs assured me that the worries I was having over my son's social skills (or lack thereof) were really a problem for me, NOT him. He was coping just fine and appeared to be happy, so it was my job to cope. However, once the teen years hit, especially right after middle school, into high school when HE began noticing that he really didn't have any friends, and REALLY wanted some. The more time that would pass when friends were still not in the picture, the more he began to become bothered with it. I realized then, it WAS blissful that he was unaware of his social ineptness as a child.

He joined the marching band in school and absolutely thrived. We thought he had found his place. The band appeared to be a close knit family all its own. The band instructor, we (parents) thought was going to be a great leader, and finally be the one that would take my son under his wing, and help guide him in our absence. After all, he actually had a great opportunity to really make a difference in someone's life -- not only as a teacher, but a mentor, especially to one who truly saw him as a great person. Once again, how could we be so wrong? It was a great let-down. My son could not have been more dedicated, loyal, and honorable with regards to this group, and for what? To be treated as a nuisance most of the time. To be talked down to. To be left out -- time after time. He was SO dedicated, he broke his foot prior to the marching season beginning, and yet showed up for EVERY practice, hauled equipment with his crutches, cheered on his band mates, sat in the hot sun, and took up a stationary instrument so he could still be a part. You would think with the power that the instructor had to make a difference, he might have given my son honorable mention ... wasn't even ONE picture of him in the end of the year slide show.

Anyways, moving on to present day, he is 19. Going to a local college, where he continues on a roller coaster with grades. He is currently A-B status, but last semester ... I can't even say! It wasn't pretty - I can tell you that. It's all due to lack of motivation, organization, and the know-how of when to throw up the flag to let us know that he's in over load.

He's definitely better this semester. He's communicating more when in overload. He has been working at the same place since he was 15, although he really has no desire to move to a different position within the place, because he will miss the social aspect of the job (he's a bagger at the local grocery store).

He had the BEST thing EVER happen to him this year. His birthday came and went in January, and he tried to make plans with a few people from work who really do seem to like him for who he is. However, plans fell through (as they always do), and we just figured it's high school all over again. Then a month or so later, his "friends" from work surprised him with a birthday party! It was probably the best night of his life. And he was SO deserving of a night like that. Especially after we threw him a big graduation party last year, to which NO ONE came.

I want SO badly for him to have what everyone else has -- especially the things he wants -- like friends, a girlfriend, a social life. Unfortunately, I cannot give it to him. I can keep encouraging, guiding, and being here when the world lets him down. In so many ways, he's come so far, in other ways, there is still so far to go. Which is true for all of us. We all have our days when the world and those in it lets us down, but it would be so nice to see things start to come together for him for once.

Well, that's (our) story! Thanks for listening. Hopefully, he and I can connect with those that are in similar boats (he recently just joined WP as well).

Stacy

doing well in school will open up opportunities for him. it's good that you have worked out a communication system that will let him succeed there. I have some friends who were initially only interested in me because I was a doctor. I was engaged to a physically abusive guy in the '80's, but was smart enough not to go ahead with the marriage. in 2009, I married the sweetest guy. our fourth anniversary is coming up next month. he and I are both quiet, both music and play-lovers. we met at our social work job. he's a wicked good writer -so witty. I write well, but my gift is being concise, not as fun as his. it was the first marriage for both of us. I was 52 and he was 58. the ONLY sad thing is we're to old to have kids, which might not be all bad as we could have passed on some serious disorders.

I learned small talk at 50 (before that I was good for a serious heart to heart, but that wasn't always appropriate) and a lot of other social things through the school of hard knocks. tell him to never give up. social things come harder to us, but we may be perfectly adequate late bloomers.

Thanks for that! It really IS good in the long run. But boy, so hard to be patient at times. How wonderful for you both to have found each other!! I pray he finds someone that is as good to him as I KNOW he will be to her. We all want that for our children, but he truly will be a great catch for one that will appreciate all his wonderful qualities. He doesn't always fit the "typical" Aspie description ... he's VERY loving, empathetic, caring, comedic ... not that Aspie's DON'T possess these qualities, but what I mean is that he is not withdrawn, and so wrapped up in his "own world" that he can't visit others!

I think you would have had TERRIFIC kids!! You both seem to have WONDERFUL qualities!!

Thanks again for your post!!

Hi Stacy

Welcome to WP! Reading your story brought tears to my eyes... to be honest that surprised me. Just through your post I feel how great your son is... It made me smile to hear that your son packs groceries for a living.. so do I.. but I struggle with that... and it sincerely makes me happy he is good at it. I know it is a job most frown on (I am constantly pressured to go back to school) but it makes me happy to have it to be honest... it is super hard sometimes, the social side of it... but there is a knowing that I am struggling so much and I still don't just call it quits.

There is a man where I work that I know is an aspie... he is always so happy to people and appears to everyone to be doing so well... but I can tell when he struggles.... he says "niiiiiice" way too much and way too loud and I am never sure how to see if I can help him. I think he knows I am an aspie too.. he is always checking on me asking if I need help. Thing is I had a super mean customer the other night and I had broke down crying... he came to me to comfort me.... and you know.. he told me something that touched me so deeply. He told me that customers have told him "oh you are smarter than you look"... I admit he has an air about him that sets him apart... but not once have I had an impression he was not smart. He is so super intelligent he is a genius with numbers. He is truly special.

I am not entirely sure why I am doing what I call "word vomit" when I ramble in real life in this post to you... I won't delete this post because I don't believe in giving up even when nervous or scared and like to meet challenges head on... and I am certainly feeling nervous right now and I can't figure out why lol.... but reading about your son made me think about Morgan... my co worker... argh.. I think this post is coming out all wrong lol.... I hope you can tell I mean it with the best of intention...

I am glad you and your son have joined WP.

I am TOTALLY with you on your post!! I didn't feel you rambling at all!! Maybe it's because I'm a rambler by nature, myself!

I think it's very commendable that you do NOT give up when it gets rough! That's a fantastic quality to possess. Giving up is sometimes so much easier! I think Alex (my son) struggles with his job in the sense that he gets distracted too easily. Something that he had much trouble with in high school as well. He tends to "go to his world" sometimes and leaves this one for awhile. I tease him sometimes when I'm talking to him and I see him literally do that right in front of my eyes, I will say "I just saw the little man come right out of your brain and hang the 'Out To Lunch' sign right on your forehead". He thinks that's hilarious!! We joke and laugh together a lot and really enjoy each others company. I feel so Blessed that he is who he is, and that I can call him my son.

There is a girl he likes at his work, and he's been trying to play it real cool with her. His experience in high school is that he would come across over-bearing and disclose his feelings to a girl, and she would "freak out" and no longer want to be around him. He's learned after many of those encounters to keep it cool. Instead of over-sharing with her, he comes home and talks to us (parents) and we try and help get him on track.

To me, that's always been the most difficult part (as a parent) is trying to teach someone something that, by all understanding, is supposed to come 'natural' (i.e. social skills). Not to say we always do it right, but we sure really try and help him best way we know how.

It makes me sad to hear about your co-worker, that someone would say such a cruel thing to him. But in this world, some people are cruel. I just can't understand it, though. One of the supervisor's at Alex's store actually asked my husband, "is there something wrong with your son?" and "if it were up to me, I would never have hired him". So, I understand the cruelty of others. Luckily for us, Alex continues to be himself, and the customers and other employees like him and appreciate the qualities he does bring to the table, in spite of any he may be missing!

Regarding your position in your work, I think if you're happy doing what you're doing, and continue to work through your struggles and not give up, then you are truly successful!! I say, keep up the good work!!

Thanks so much for reaching out! It was my pleasure reading your post!

Thank you.

Alex is just as blessed to have you and his Dad in his life as you are to have Alex.

My boyfriend calls it "My green blob" ... lol

Your posts have left a lifelong impression for me, thank you so much. You are truly special.