Question for husbands who also have AS, re: children.

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I'm a married woman (age 40) who has been with my husband for three years. We've been married one year and seven months. One year ago, I had a miscarriage. We dicussed this very little about five months after it occurred. We started talking again about trying to conceive a second child. Originally I was excited about this. Husband has told me that he is not the sort of person who will be excited about having children, or planning for a child, but that he does want them and will do what is best (and required) for them. We chose names for either gender, provided we are able to get pregnant again and carry the child (or children, if multiples) to full term. I am responsible for researching and planning all of the information, and he does not want to discuss any of the plans with me.

My question for the men on the spectrum is this: were you looking forward to planning for children with your wife? Did you participate in any way (talking with her about it, looking up information, listening to her when she was excited about something that you might not be all that interested in, such as a store nearby or finding a doctor), or are you more like my husband? Did you just see it as something that didn't really affect you until they actually handed your child over to you at the hospital, so why get into all this fuss beforehand?

From reading and talking with other men (some of whom are NT and some of whom are AS), I realize that most men will not be as involved with the process as I am. However, it really bothers me that I am not allowed to have ANY sort of discussion or even mention children to my husband. I am constantly redirected to find a support group, a female friend, or elsewhere.

I have gotten to the point where I am rethinking pursuing having children. Perhaps it would be better for everyone involved if we simply stuck to the routines we have, and let this situation pass.

Thanks for your input. I am curious to see the replies.

Hi, my husband has AS, we didnt know this when we were planning children but there was nothing unusual there. He was very excited and in fact I think he got more broody than me! He was supportive and came with me to some of the midwife appointments too. Hes great with the kids. Our eldest daughter is being assessed for AS herself so thats something to be aware of, not that that would put you off having kids Im sure, but its hard living with 2 aspies who are so different despite having this in common.

Im just reading The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch, its written by a man who wants to be a better husband, he finds out he has AS and tries to see things differently and understand how his actions affect his wife. Its really interesting, my next book is 22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves A Man with AS by Rudy Simone

Where do I start? My husband recently took an Asperger's online survey and it confirmed our suspicions about his social quirkiness, DS is an Aspie as well. My hubby was not standoffish about the pregnancy but he also wasn't actively involved in decisions he really let me run the show and pretty much agreed with everything I presented. He was fantastic during the birthing process as he knew exactly what he was expected to do. He tried as best as he could to show interest during the pregnancy but if and when he did it was shortlived. We also had a loss before the arrival of our son and he was very kind as he witnessed my grief but I know he didn't always get it though he was always willing to just sit with me and let me cry. Living with 2 Aspies is no walk in the park so brace yourself if this is the path you are really choosing to take. Having 2 Aspies in the family is more common than I thought. I am often caught in the middle of their rigid moments when they are at odds with each other. They react/argue similarly and neither one wants to give in or really can't so I have to facilitate communication between the two a lot and frankly its quite exhausting! I too recently came across the book the Journal of Best Practices and have asked my hubby to read it to help us move forward. He is a very kind and loving man but I have often felt like he has acted selfishly too many times (much to his dismay/sorrow) to mention and am finally coming to terms that its truly connected to his Aspieness. So now I have started to make very clear requests so he understands what I need (I hate doing this) from him to keep the peace in our marriage and in raising our child. We have many great and warm fuzzy days between the 3 of us but there are many days where I just have to give in to the tears and work though the frustration. My men usually respond when that happens but it has taken a lot of hard work to get there. I am probably much more anxious than I used to be with the arrival of our son. Your future child may not have any spectrum issues but the chance is always there that he/she might because of genetics. Its the main reason I opted to not have more kids.

I haven't posted because the post was directed at husbands, but since other wives posted, I will give it a shot. My husband is probably not full on Aspie. He is at least BAP, almost certainly ADHD and I do think mild Aspie.

He was always interested/excited in the pregnancy, but was much more engaged when he could feel the kicking. The concreteness of the kicking really helped. He never refused to talk about it or anything like that. He liked talking about it. He was kind of special interesty about the conception (No, not just what you think) and wanted to know the times of optimal fertility and that kind of thing. He is very involved with our son, and was even in infanthood, and would share a lot of the responsibilities so I could get a break and some sleep now and then.

My dad was (I think) very Aspie, and he was also very involved with researching the safest hospital and that kind of thing. He wasn't necessarily that into the early childhood phase, though. He couldn't really deal with it until we were old enough to keep the noise level down, and have real conversations with.

I don't know if that helps you at all, but I think there is a range of involvement just like with NT dads, depending on the particular flavor of Aspieness. I would really try to talk to him more about your concerns, so you have a better idea of how he can deal with noise, messy diapers, poopy smells, lack of sleep, etc. I would also try to gauge if he can handle illogical childspeak,, noise, if he would be comfortable helping with homework, anything that you can think of that would be important traits for the father of your child to have. This way you have a good idea of what responsibilities can realistically be shared and what will end up being your job, exclusively.

I've seen a lot of people use the BAP acronym. What does it mean?

BAP means broad autism phenotype. It involves having some autistic genes or traits, but not enough to be diagnosable. BAP people often have children with full-blown autism when those genes recombine.