Shoes + Cleaning

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Hi,

My brother in law has aspergers and lives with my husband and I, he is in his mid 30's.

We were doing some cleaning and have found a large stash of women's shoes - none of which were mine or his mothers.
They all have a similar pattern sparkly and shiny. We have notice with time that the pile is increasing especially now that he has access to more money.

Has anyone experienced the same thing?

Also I can't get him to put his clothes in the cupboard he keeps them piled up in a washbasket in his room - they smell terrible and so does his room. He tells me he can't fit them in the cupboard because he doesn't have enough space - he has 2 double wardrobes to himself more than my husband and I have between us. I know that his cupboards are full of paper and junk.

I don't care what he does in his rooms but when he smells and the whole back of the house smells it becomes a problem.
I feel embarrassed to have people over to our house.

Any ideas on how to get him to clean them out? or suggestions for how to help him improve his hygiene?

I have talked to him about the smell time and time again, asking him to open his windows.
I make sure that he washes and changes his sheets regularly.
We also clean the rugs and windows/blinds/furniture at least four times a year.
I have also talked to him about how hoarding is a fire hazard and its dangerous.

I am always careful not to criticise him directly, but it is really getting to me.

More importantly we are planning on building a new house & I don't want the same smell to develop in that house.

Any help would be appreciated.

I take it your brother-in-law will be moving into the new house with you and your husband. I'm also guessing he's so disabled that he cannot work or live on his own. Sounds like you've inherited him for life. I guess somewhere along the way your husband will have to put his foot down. Since we aspies are notorious for our hate of change, don't expect your brother-in-law's hygiene to change any time soon. You may have to make the tough decision and move him out to a group home or facility that handles the developmentally disabled full time.

BTW, you started your post by talking about his growing collection of womens' shoes. This needs clarification. Does he wear them? Is he leaning towards being transgender or cross dresses? Is he stealing them? Does he simply have a female shoe fetish like the publicist who stole Marla Maples' shoes?

It is not unusual for an autistic person to collect things that others do not understand the value of. It is also not unusual for an autistic person to have executive function issues deciding what should be thrown out or to even have emotional attachments to things others would not.

As far as the sparkly shoe thing goes I would guess is a sexual fetish. mainly because I think if it were an issue of cross dressing he would probably have other girlie clothing items.

I am not knowledgeable about this, but I would guess that as long as he is purchasing the shoes and not acquiring them in some creepy kind of way from a woman, that this is not dangerous.

As far as the smell goes, is he mixing clean clothing with dirty clothing? Is it personal hygiene? I think he is going to need for his brother to have a talk with him and based on what he finds out, give him very specific written instructions (maybe with PECS pictures) about how not to be smelly. If no one taught him this, he may not know how, and I am guessing based on what you said that he does not have the inclination to desire it for it's own sake. This is not unusual, and as the other poster stated will not necessarily be an easy task.

Hi,

Thanks for the advice. He does work 1 day per week, but has struggled to find more despite working with a specialist organisation. He has no skills and didn't finish school. He was also at home with his parents for about 5 years caring for them.
He was diagnosed later in life, and by the time that happened the relationship with his brother was minimal and its very strained now. Him and I get along well, and have similar interests.

The thing about his hygiene, he does shower, washes his own clothes, is very good at regularly washing and cleaning up after our dogs. He is a fantastic help around the house and in the garden but I do find that his cleaning is very limited to what is in front of him., but I don't want to say to much as its just great he does all those things for us.

I think I will just have to have a hard discussion with him about changing his habits and together we clean out his cupboards. I will make sure I give him some boxes in which to put personal things that he doesn't want me to see first.

As for the shoes I believe he is just buying them, they still have stickers underneath and I think its just he likes them.
We haven't found any women's clothing.

Any advice on getting him to come to the psychologist with me? Tried her advice but he still wont come - I tried to make it about how its important to me and its about me learning to communicate better with him. To be a better friend but still nothing.

Thanks all so much for your advice.

It's a tough call with an adult.

However, he's living in your home and you are providing him support. I think you can try to set some ground rules. Have you talked to your husband about doing this? We do this with my 12-year-old in the form of a written "contract" so what he gets (in my son's case Xbox, in your case room and board) is spelled out as well as what his responsibilities are.

I'd first want to know what is causing the smell - if he's doing his own laundry and keeping himself clean...what's causing the problem? Is he eating in his room and not cleaning it up? Is he getting dirty clothes mixed up with clean? From what you describe, he may just not have the internal structure to do what you're asking - I would find ways to help. I'd also make rules about no food in his room, and set up a schedule (set up a "garbage day" and a "clear floor day" where everybody in the house clears out the trash and picks up the floor in their own rooms.)

For instance, I wonder if you could modify the closets to hold a laundry-hamper dresser (one of the parents here came up with this brilliant idea) http://pinterest.com/pin/159385274283490494/ That way, he'd just have to do his laundry, put it in a hamper and put the hamper in the slot. He'd be responsible for the organization from there, but it would cut out the step of taking the clothes out of the hamper and putting them away which might just do it - then all he has to do is make sure the dirty clothes are picked up every so often.

One thing I'd like to mention is that if he's not dealing with his clothes due to executive dysfunction, just talking to him about how it's a problem won't help. You'll need to actually walk him through the steps of what he needs to do, and then keep (gently) prompting him on a regular basis.