Having a bad day

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Today is one of those days that make me feel like the cr@ppiest parent in the world. I feel like I am never going to be able to reach through to my son. Every single attempt at setting limits with him is met with hostility. Every time he doesn't get his way or is corrected he turns into an angry, hateful, aggressive child that growls and lashes out like a wild animal and sometimes takes hours to get him out of that mood. I do not know how to handle this. I feel like I am desperately failing as a parent. I worry my son is going to hate me like I hated my parents because of black and white thinking. I worry this is only going to get worse, as it did for me. And because of my black and white thinking I feel like this is going to never end for either of us. All my husband's relatives think my son is "normal" and that I'm just a neurotic parent who doesn't know how to handle stress. I am so sad today. I just want to crawl into a hole and never wake up.

(((mykassyna)))

It's so hard isn't it. I feel really overwhelmed and frustrated with my daughter, but although I don't think I'm a perfect parent, I don't blame myself for it, because I know it is her autism. It doesn't get you anywhere blaming yourself. You are coping in a difficult situation and doing the best you can. You can't not give your son boundaries, no child likes those, but an autistic child will really let you know they don't like them. That doesn't make you a bad parent for giving boundaries. In fact, if you didn't, you would be a lesser parent.

If I could solve your problem, I could solve mine too...sadly I can't. Have a glass of wine, listen to some gentle music, remind yourself of the things you have to be thankful for, and give yourself a break.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

How old is he?

I've had to adopt the "Black and White Parenting" because typical parenting styles did not help my son at all. Rules need to be concrete and with visual aides (ie: House Rules posted on the fridge). Consequences have to be met instantly. Warnings are very IMPORTANT in my house, as my son does not do well with surprises. Choices is another strategy I use a lot. For example: "Either you choose to follow x rule or you choose x consequence."

I have to admit though .. and there will be eye-rollers reading this.. what REALLY helped my son is the GAPS program. The tantrums decreased significantly and the behaviour modifications were easier to use. I hear what you're saying, completely. I've been there and it was an ugly period of time - full of defeated resolutions and insecurities. That's my advice. GAPS.

5 is really, really hard - doubly so for parents of kids on the spectrum, triply so for parents with spectrum issues themselves.

All I can tell you is that we did, that things got better for us, and I believe they will for all of you. Hang in there!

My son wasn't identified as autistic until 1st grade and wasn't given a formal assessment until 4th grade - he finally got an IEP at the end of 4th grade. An awful lot of his most challenging behavior was reserved for home when nobody else could see it, so we were on our own.

When we finally got help, the things that made the biggest positive difference for us were these: pragmatic speech therapy and good social skills classes/prosocial media and books, a behavior plan that took into consideration WHY he was acting the way he was, lots of teaching to identify emotion by physiological cues and to correctly label degrees of emotion rather than assuming all emotions were either "on" or "off," addressing bullying at his school, eventual disclosure of his diagnosis to him, his own choice to disclose his diagnosis to his peers, getting him in a social group with other mildly-impacted kids on the spectrum, learning to re-frame his behavior in our minds so we set our expectations appropriately.

All that being said, the most important thing to remember about a kid on the spectrum is this: they are developmentally delayed. This means they DO develop - just not the way their peers do. I'd love to say that my terrific parenting and our supportive school made the difference for my son (and I do think they are important - esp. since we went from a nonsupportive school to a supportive one and the difference was palpable) but the reality is that he's easier these days because he has finally made gains in the areas where he was most impacted.

Remembering the 1/3 less than their chronological age helps a lot. If you think of yourself as parenting a 3 year old, an awful lot of the things you find frustrating and inexplicable will make more sense to you. Doesn't make it any easier, but it does help sometimes.

Seriously, we are like the Triatheletes of parenting! NT parents (both who are NT and who have NT kids) have it easy - there's no detective work in the NT world, it's all right out there, the kids just ask for what they need! It is no wonder you are exhausted.

It does not make you a bad parent. If you were a bad parent you would not be worried about being a bad parent. It is just really hard sometimes. When my son was that age, he would communicate as little as he could get away with. He would literally just say Y for yes and N for NO, and I would have to make him use the whole words, at least. When they do not communicate well with words, they lash out the way that is easiest for them. That tends to either be aggressive or crying or both.

With us, now, when we have these problems (mainly school) at this now that he communicates better, it is often I think that he feels that by communicating he has earned whatever it is he is upset about. " I told you what I want, why are you not giving it to me?" It is very frustrating because they really do not understand the "why" just as a younger kid would not. The world revolves around them and our explanations don't always resonate. It takes time, but I have to believe it will get better when theory of mind improves and social cognitive skills improve.

I agree; five is a hard age for autistic kids and their parents. I remember those days well! I just wanted to let you know that it DOES get better. My son is fifteen now. Back when he was that age, I felt so alone. No one (unless they have kids on the spectrum) can understand what you are going through. I heard the typical advice: He just needs a good spanking, He's acting out on purpose, yada, yada, yada...

Hang in there and know that you aren't alone.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive. The words really helped a lot. Knowing I am not alone is such a tremendous help. Thank you and again thank you.

My son will be five next month and I also feel like I'm failing as a parent as well, at least sometimes. The hardest part for me are the stares from other people and the comments like "you need to control your child," "you need to be consistent," "it's not ok to let your child act like this," when I'm doing everything I can to stop him. It's so frustrating.

I know what you mean about other people telling you that they know more than you about what's going on with your child. We're in the midst of what has been nearly a 12 month assessment (seriously, how slow can this process be?), and every expert is so sure they know what's going on, but they don't agree.

I get:

1. He obviously has Aspergers.
2. He obviously DOES NOT have Asperger's, he has severe ADHD, OCD, SPD, anxiety, and is gifted which makes him harder to deal with.
3. He obviously would have had Asperger's if it wasn't going away next month. Now he'll just be normal.
4. He obviously has PDD-NOS.

Then I have all the opinions from family, who like to tell me I'm just too busy to focus on my parenting, and that he'would be perfectly fine otherwise (he's just acting out, etc.).

This whole parenting thing is so much harder than I thought it would be, grrr. I feel you on your frustration. At least the kids are cute. That helps

I love you all. I am full of smiles just from reading the funny posts today (also see the one titled "Kink"). Laughter is great medicine. THANK YOU!