Questions about a recent Diagnosis with ASD

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My 5 yr old son was diagnosed with ASD, or before they get rid of the specific ones, PDD-NOS. The psychologist said it was severe and he had high markers in ALL areas. I have been struggling for 2 years to get him diagnosed in order to get him the help he needs to function.

A lot of people aren't taking his PDD diagnosis seriously, saying it is extremely mild and that's why he didn't get Aspergers. Well, that's not true. He just had markers in more than one area. I was told his specific behaviors she would classify as either equal to Aspergers or worse. Is this biased attitude toward PDD normal? I guess in a way, I'm happy it will all be referred to as ASD.

My main question is sort of legal. I am currently in a legal battle with my ex, who is a foreign citizen. He saw our son for 3 days December of 2011, before that it had been 1 1/2 yrs since his last short visit. He just recently visited for 2 wks, so my ex has seen our son in person less than a month in 3 1/2 yrs. He expects me to send my son overseas for an entire summer with him. Even before the diagnosis, I just knew my son couldn't handle being away from me, he wouldnt be able to take the sound of the plane engine, etc. Not only would he be leaving with an unfamiliar person, but traveling to a completely different environment: different climate, different people, different language, different foods (and he's unwilling to try new foods, extremely picky). It's going to take a few weeks to get my son into the child psychologist, work things out with my lawyer, and all I really need is some peace of mind. My son's well being comes before anything. I do not plan to send my son to a foreign country this summer, as our custody agreement states, no matter the fines I may receive.

My question is, for anyone who may have an ASD or know someone who does, would it truly be detrimental to my son's health/any progress we may have achieved, if he gets sent away for a few months? I honestly don't see how any court system or judge could force me to send my son over, but I just want to hear from someone who has more knowledge about the disorders than I do.

Any advice would be much appreciated. My son has moderate to severe sensory issues, anxiety, and a little ADHD, although that seems to be a symptom of his disorder. When he gets overwhelmed, he bangs his head to the point that I know it has to hurt, but he never notices.

Thanks.
A Concerned Mom.

It certainly could be. ASD kids have trouble with change in routine.

Actually, I have a hard time seeing even an NT 5 year old coping well with spending an entire summer in the care of a relative stranger while Mom is in a different country. (And the fact that he's the father doesn't change the fact that your son doesn't know him very well.) I mean, 5 year olds often show some separation anxiety just being dropped off to school for kindergarten or grade 1. Even spending a single night away from Mom is usually not done until they're older.

Is there any possibility you could spend the summer over there, have him stay with you and visit his father during the day? I know that would be a big time commitment, but that's about the only way I could see this summer visit thing working out for him. And even then, he'd need a lot of preparation and you'd need to keep a close eye for signs of overload and have a good bag of tricks for calming him down.

No, there is no possibility of that. Not only can I not afford it, but I have a toddler to care for as well and no one to watch him. Plus, me and his foreign father can't stand each other. I've actually taken him to airports trying to gauge his reaction and he can't stand the sounds. He hated every minute in the airport. Plus, even if all that were taken to the side, I would only feel comfortable going with him to another country after several months of therapies. As it is, I really have no idea how to handle my son when he has meltdowns. I'm hoping all the therapists and specialists can help me help him cope.

Another issue I have regarding my son's bio-father is he is in complete denial of the disorder. He declares that my son just needs structure and discipline. That even though he may have a NEED to have things his way, we shouldn't give him so as to "compromise" toward a more normal life. He even once blamed our sons delays on me leaving him and moving away. I feel that there is no way his bio-father can truly know what it means to care for him. My child does not have wilful misbehavior and should not be disciplined accordingly.

I am concerned. I want my son to have a few months of pragmatic speech therapy before he starts Kindergarten and I feel getting enrolled in foreign programs would not help at all, if he even managed to get him enrolled.

That's an unusual custody agreement, at least from the one's I've see in the US. If you legally agreed to send him overseas, that could be almost impossible to stop, with consequences beyond fines, unless you get it changed. A diagnosis of ASD with documentation that he could not handle the trip would seem like a valid reason to get the custody agreement changed. I would talk to a lawyer as soon as possible since these processes take time. In my experience the courts care far more about parental rights than the well being of the child beyond the basics of food, roof over their head, etc.

If you can't get it changed the previous poster's suggestion of going with your child sounds like an excellent idea. I agree that being away from the primary caretaker for an entire summer sounds like an absolutely traumatic experience for any five year old.

Custody issues are so painful for everyone. I used to work for a domestic violence shelter, and the custody arrangements in court bothered me so much I eventually quit my job. I have seen a few cases where the parents were able to work out an amicable agreement, but they tended to do it outside of the courts.

The specific laws in the country you live in will have the biggest impact on this, but I do think there is hope with the lawyer and the diagnosis of ASD.

What kind of a doc gave you the PDD-NOS diagnosis? I would actually suggest that you start by getting a second opinion or getting the doc who gave that diagnosis to change it to ASD. Considering the fact that the DSM is about to change, getting rid of PDD-NOS as a separate diagnosis, it seems irresponsible to me that the doc would even use this label. Try to get the diagnosis changed. I am NOT an attorney but I would think that since there was NO diagnosis in place when the custody agreement was originally made, the existence of a diagnosis now (even if it not the most ideal one) would be a material change in the situation and that your lawyer would have a good argument for requesting a modification to that agreement. If nothing else, your lawyer should be able to request that the pending trip be post-poned until you can get experts to weigh in on how such a trip could affect your son. I know such a trip would be profoundly traumatic for my son. I cannot see how one would even get him to go on a plane with a stranger. He just simply would not do it. They would have to seriously sedate him which of course I would never allow.

You are right. It is an unusual custody agreement, mainly because it was written and filed in the country of Malta. Due to my state laws, I couldn't file anything until he was served by hand, which obviously couldn't happen as he didn't live in the US. Since he filed first (and they have no such laws preventing filings). In all honesty, I believe he could have filed for full custody and taken him without me being aware at all. As it was, since he filed first, the Hague granted the country of Malta jurisdiction. Not fair, I know. I was told to agree to his terms or lose my son. I have since hired an international lawyer and we are working on the issue. Before this diagnosis, the only thing we had going for us was the fact that even though he has unlimited visiting access in the US, he rarely ever visits. Now with this diagnosis, I'm hoping we can stop overseas visitations, at least until he is older and TRULY understand what it means to leave my side for a long time, and also know for sure that he is secure in his therapies with enough improvement and coping techniques to handle any problems that would arise from such a travel. I'm estimating 9-10 years of age at least.

She actually did say that he had ASD, but it would be a few months before it became official so she said PDD-NOS. I haven't even received my official report on the diagnosis, as he literally just got diagnosed last Thursday. I have always known he had something, I just assumed Aspergers would be a more accurate term. But overall, thanks to the changes, it is just simply ASD.

That's exactly my point as well, there was no diagnosis before the agreement therefore it's sort of common sense to get it changed. I asked the psychologist who diagnosed him this same question, but she couldn't give me paperwork on it as she wasn't HIS specific psychologist. She told me that any child with ASD cannot handle a change in environment and it would be detrimental to their health. So I'm hoping that all psychologists feel the same way. I'm trying to get my son an appt with one asap, but it can take weeks for anything like this. I was given a pamphlet on resources of therapies but I still have no idea where to even begin to find my son the therapies he needs. It's all so confusing.

You might consider shopping around for lawyers familiar with legal loopholes and such. A lot of countries (and a lot of US States) are not cooperative with foreign countries in custody disputes. There was a recent case in Tennessee where a Japanese mother was told she could only have custody or visitation of her child if she stayed in Tennessee (and she and her husband separated almost immediately after they moved from Japan). She then took her child back to Japan and just didn't return and Japan was unwilling to send the child back to the US. The whole case was unfair for both parties, first the mother then the father, but it's an important reminder of what can happen. I would just be careful it doesn't become unfair in your ex-husband's favor.

Here's a news article on the court case, although the laws have changed since then.


http://www.newschannel5.com/story/17091397/court-rejects-suit-by-tennessee-dad-in-custody-case?clienttype=printable

That is pretty much the diagnosis they give to people who do not match up well to another diagnosis. That does not mean it won't be an issue.

Aside form the legal issues, it is really important to start appropriate therapies. here is a place to start for finding out what is available in your state:
http://www.autismspeaks.org/family-serv ... urce-guide
Most states have some type of non-profit organization whose goal is to support families with special needs children. If you have trouble locating that in your state, you can contact your local Easter Seals office. FWIW, the professional who has been the most help to us so far has been our occupational therapist. Also, you said he is 5, right? He falls under the jurisdiction of your public school district. You can contact your local district or the state office in charge of public education in your state and you should be able to find more resources.

This might be useful:

http://ec.europa.eu/civiljustice/parent ... mlt_en.htm

Does the custody agreement point blank state that your son has to visit overseas? I can't believe they would make things so unbalanced. If you have sole custody, and your ex-husband has visitation rights (which if he chooses not to exercise very often that's his problem) then surely they can't specify how those rights must be exercised or demonstrated? It seems as if your ex left you with all the difficult baby years and then when he decided that the child was old enough not to be a problem then he suddenly wants you to send him off overseas.

It seems as if sending him overseas would be a nightmare and totally not in his interests.

Have you sent your ex a copy of the diagnostic report? If it's there in B&W he can't deny it any more. You could send it with a letter (via lawyers if necessary) saying that as he's seen so little of his son (through his own choice) that he is not in a position to comment on the reason for your son's difficulties and he certainly doesn't know more than a clinician!

I agree with the others who said you should try to get the agreement updated to incorporate your son's needs. Also, when children get to a certain age, courts usually take the child's wishes into account, so perhaps you could could look into what age that is in your country. Presuming your son doesn't want to go.

This also might be useful: http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/vi ... hts.313198

It says here: http://www.lawyers.com/visitation-right ... law-firms/



http://europa.eu/youreurope/citizens/fa ... nsibility/

In situations involving more than one country (for example if the parents do not live in the same country), the courts responsible for handling cases of parental responsibility are those in the country where the child usually lives. Subject to certain conditions, you can agree with your spouse that the court ruling on your divorce can also rule on parental responsibility matters connected to your divorce.

Thanks. There is an Easter Seals very near me and I'm in the process of contacting the psychologists in the building, but hoping to get more information while I'm there. That's my biggest thing is I want him seen this summer by Easter Seals to begin his therapy before Kindergarten starts.

I do not know anything about International Law. I would also be worried about what would happen if your ex chose not to send your child back to you. I think the legal logistics of getting him back would be really hard.

As far as the rest, I can't imagine that such a trip would be in his best interests. (I assume that would have weight internationally, but I do not know.) I agree with Bombaloo about attacking this from the medical perspective. Any medical back-up you can get would only help bolster your case, as the powers that be won't understand enough about spectrum disorders to weight it appropriately without very explicit and clear descriptors of how damaging this trip could be for him.

If your ex really cares, he should visit him instead and just suck up having to deal with you in the process. (JMO)

Yes the custody agreement, that my ex wrote up pretty much himself, states that when the child is not less than 4 1/2 years of age, will visit the country of Malta for a period of time not exceeding 3 months and not less than 2 1/2 months. He also has unlimited visitation rights in the US, that he never exercises.

I have always said that sending him overseas so young has never been in his best interests, and even more so now that it's official he has this disorder. I don't have the actual B&W report yet as he just got diagnosed last Thursday, but I will send it to him. I highly doubt he will truly understand the seriousness of the situation. He has been the one person who has argued with me or years, finding fault in everything to explain why there was nothing wrong with our son. And even now, he would much rather discipline our child instead of understand he needs extra help. When he visited from March 24-April 9th this year, I was informed that he was trying to enforce my child to walk 6 miles and snapped at him when he sat down after only a mile and a half. He even had my son doing push ups!! He would essentially starve him, only giving him half a cucumber for breakfast and refusing to understand that my son is extremely picky and unwilling to try new foods. It's not that he's trying to be disobedient, it's just the way he IS. My ex will never properly care for our son in my opinion. I've got several emails, a letter, and personal accounts from people who saw these things I plan to use in court.

That's exactly my point. If he really cared, then why can't he just agree to disagree and accept visitation over here instead of forcing a small child on such a long and exhausting trip? I spoke to my lawyer today, and he said this is all good news, just get it in writing from a psychologist that it would harm him. *crosses fingers*

I'm glad your lawyer feels good about this. I hope it goes well. I'm really glad your son has you advocating for him. I had a few people try to "fix" me by force as a child (like throwing me in a pool because I was scared of water, which did oh so much to cure that, lol). I've never seen positive outcomes for any childhood issues with that type of parenting, and only the rare fluke of success for more typical behavior issues.

Why would making a kid walk for six miles fix anything? The logic is lost on me there.