Newly diagnosed/stressed out Mom

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My daughter (10) was recently diagnosed with Asperger's. She's also done things differently & we've accomodated but she escalated about 6 months ago & it made the "correct" diagnosis VERY easy to come by (unlike all the before diagnoses).

She's refusing to do ANYTHING. Everything is "I can't" & very negative self talk. She hates everything, her Father, her school, etc. Her Father & I are divorced & I am remarried with 3 stepkids & another biological child (with my ex). This 1 child's insistence upon disregarding EVERYTHING we say & perpetuating the negative talk in her head is putting a major strain on my family. She no longer sees her Father & so my new husband & I don't ever have "personal time". She's incredibly anxious when left with a sitter or anytime she's away from me. She hasn't always been this difficult & used to visit her Father's, stay with sitters, etc. I have no clue what to do. I know that punishing her does no good & that yelling just escalates the situation but the absolute refusal to do as she's told, the whining, crying, total meltdown, etc is stressing everyone in our home out.

What steps should we be engaging in to improve this situation?

You need to find a professional that truly undestands autism to help you help her. I'd find one ASAP.

Her behaviour is a reaction to something or things. Have you tried asking her outright what is bothering her, what is on her mind, what reasonable steps you could take to make her feel less like behaving like this?

If she is unable to articulate it, she could write it down in words. Tell her that no matter what she writes you will not be angry, and give her confidence to get it all out.

If there is nothing specific and she is just having a hard time handling life, then maybe therapy is the right way to go.

Of course, at that age she is also hitting puberty and hormonal changes mean even more difficulty for her than an NT child.

I know how you feel. My daughter was dx just before she turned 11. It was actually a relief to find out it wasn't just bad parenting. I had often felt that I didn't get her the way I did her other siblings.

I wasn't surprised, though, as I already had some knowledge of the autism spectrum. That knowledge was nothing like what I gained over the next three months, though. I read this forum and everything I could find online, we took my daughter to the psychologist who dx her to work with one of the therapists there and both of them talked to us about how we could help, I visited the local autism resource centre and borrowed books, etc. I admit I was a bit obsessive about it.

Fortunately, school finished for the year right after she was diagnosed and I had lots of opportunities to spend time with her and figured out how she worked over the summer. I made sure we had lots of positive experiences to pull her out of her negativity... she sounds a lot like your daughter's in that respect, and I think middle school and female puberty contribute to it.

By the end of the summer I realized that we were really lucky to have a daughter with her strengths. It was discouraging to read some of the poor outcomes of kids with her IQ or on the spectrum or with depression (which she seemed to have) in terms of their future relationships. School and jobs bothered us less at the time, and we've stayed hopeful as she continued through middle school. Then I started looking at what she was good at, how empathetic she was, how generous, how she continued to be motivated even when she was struggling.

So please, continue to come here, continue to seek out information and help about your daughter, and focus on building a positive relationship with your daughter. I'm sure a good relationship with a parent helps both of you make the best of life.

J.

Is the new marriage recent? Autistic children have a heck of a time with any change. If your re-marriage is recent, I could see where you would get some new behaviors. Adjusting to a stepdad and his entire family would be tough even for an NT child, even if the family is great and accommodating. The onset or approach of puberty does not tend to improve a young girl's mood, either.

I agree, it sounds like your daughter has an awful lot to process! If she's at all social 10 is a time when social deficits are especially noticeable, and she's also probably dealing with a lot at school.

Hang in there! I agree that getting help from someone who specializes in autism (a developmental pediatrician is a good place to start for referrals) would be a good idea.

In the meantime, I'd peruse the threads that are stickied at the top of this board. There are an awful lot of resources collected there, and it might give you a starting place to ask more specific questions. Refusing to do what she's asked could be a symptom of any one of a number of things, or of a collection of them, so if you can do a little research and fine-tune your question, we might be able to offer experiences that will help you.

A couple of things:

Has she been seen by a speech therapist? That is who handles social speech, and the school should have her tested and be offering her pragmatic speech therapy. This is a big one - if she isn't communicating or understanding things well, she's going to be recalcitrant automatically. See http://www.asha.org/public/speech/devel ... matics.htm

Maybe try a visual schedule so that she knows exactly what is expected of her, and so that instead of asking verbally you can quietly point? http://www.cognitopia.com/

Does she understand her diagnosis? One of the thing I read here often from the autistic community - if they aren't given the correct label, they and their peers will give them a different one (brat, mean, crazy, etc.) There's a collection of threads on the Parenting Index about disclosure.

How is her school handling her new diagnosis? Is she getting what she needs? Is she being bullied?

From having dealt with both autism and step-life, I believe these issues are step issues more than anything. Step-life is usually a nightmare. The fact that you feel that you should have alone time with your new hubby concerns me as well. If her father was dead or if you were still married to him, you would still have your child 24/7. It seems to me you are pushing her out of the way so that you can have your honeymoon with your new man. This is a nightmare for most kids and even worse for an autistic child who probably also has OCD and can't let go of things.

I would suggest some therapy, not just for her, but for all of you. My son, fifteen, was diagnosed at age three. When puberty began, there were things he felt he couldn't talk about with me or his dad. Talking to someone outside the family seemed to help him work through it better.

Have you read about demand avoidance? This is a characteristic of a subset of autistic kids, where being told to do anything sets off severe anxiety.

The guidelines for managing this are basically to be indirect about asking her to do things, and keep a positive, safe tone, and to reassure them when they are getting anxious.

Wow, I'm sorry to hijack the thread a bit, but I just read the diagnostic criteria on the link you posted and my son exhibits most of this behavior, except he doesn't pretend play or have social awareness, and he also does the more ASD behaviors such as toe walking etc. I can't get him to do any self help skills at all, like use the bathroom or dress himself or feed himself. He'll do something once and then it's "but I've already done that," then it's excuses, changing the subject, ect. He is extremely manipulative, but not in an angry defiant way, it's just like he wants to do exclusively what he finds interesting and nothing else.

Thanks for the link, hopefully it will help with the hunt for solutions for the OP too.