Am I just obsessing unduly?

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I do that sometimes, and I am not very good at telling that I am doing while I am doing it.

I am concerned about my youngest child, who is almost five. He has always been somewhat different, but always in a way that was explainable as him being a smart kid, or him not being around other kids his size very often, or well he's only a toddler that sort of thing. He started going to preschool one day a week this year, and pretty much from day one they have been concerned about him. To the point of asking permission to have the public school representatives do testing with him. Couple that with the fact that he's getting older and a lot of things can't be explained away as easily, and I'm ready to go for a full eval.

I am not the only one seeing issues. My mom wasn't taking me very seriously until this weekend when she got to see a full blown meltdown, my step-mom is on a rampage that he is a spoiled brat and needs more discipline (which is pretty much her standard response to any difference that isn't significant intellectual disability, so translate her to decent person talk means she sees something unusual too). The school obviously sees something to worry about, because they've pushed testing. I am not sure if the boy is on the autism spectrum or not. I do think he has a lot of things that are not NT, and the smart thing now would be to get full testing. My husband believes the diagnosis for the oldest, but is in complete denial with the youngest.

I tried talking to him about it a bit earlier tonight and he had an explanation for everything. It went something like this: The sound sensitivity is nothing to worry about because he had the same thing as a kid. The refusal to speak to people he doesn't know well or to hug even people he does know well (like his dad, grandparents, basically anyone but me and his brothers and my mom), him being willing to punch any kid that insists on touching him is just him being ornery. Lining up all his toys and making up elaborate rules for situations is just normal kid stuff. Hitting himself, spinning, flapping his hands, and walking on his toes is just him wanting attention. The obsessing about topics is just normal.

I maybe just obsessing about it, but it feels like he is just in total denial. Which to be fair is what it feels like when I am obsessing over something to a crazy extent and he says I am just being crazy over and he's usually right.

I do not think you are obsessing. It is not at all unusual for siblings in a family with an autistic sibling, to also be autistic. I think you are being thorough.

Does your husband have any aspie tendencies other than the noise? I ask this because maybe your eldest is autistic enough where your husband can accept the diagnosis without questioning it; but the youngest is mild (like your husband?) and so he can't see it and is maybe a little defensive?

There are a lot of things that I don't have too much trouble "getting" about my son that NTs do. Even when what my son is doing is on the extreme side I usually have some insight to it, if that makes sense. Your husband might be able to look at what your child is doing and see sense to it. If it makes sense to him, he will be less likely to view it as an issue.

Even if your youngest is not autistic like the second, it does not hurt to check it out. I would advise going with logic with your husband. You don't have to emphasize how sure you are to him, if you find it is a roadblock for him. That doesn't mean you have to doubt yourself, just that outwardly presenting it as an investigation as opposed to confirmation might help.

Other signs in my husband. I think he may fit into the BAP. He can't stand gritty textures in his food--cornbread, grits, stone ground wheat, bread with seeds or nuts in it--all things he hates. He can't stand water to be on his face. He never learned to ride a bicycle and managed to have accidents that resulted in injury in just about every fun childhood activity, which I think shows some motor planning issues. However with those, when he was in high school he learned to box and won several matches. He played trombone and won scholarships to multiple colleges, and now at his job he is one of their top marksmen, so for things that he has put his mind to, he has good coordination. He loves socializing with people he likes, and was always a class clown, but being in crowds wears him out and stresses him out, even crowds of family (he is hyper-vigilant in all public settings and crowds. It balances my total obliviousness to my surroundings). He is, however, very good at reading people and judging intentions and at what other people would find funny. So I think he does have some things that kind of fit, but others that do not.

The oldest had significant developmental delays as a toddler. Speech, fine motor, gross motor, just general delays, so the idea of him having a diagnosis was never a foreign thought, if that makes sense? With the youngest, all the time that he was a toddler we spent oohing and aahing over how smart he is and how advanced his language skills are, so the idea that he might have delays is about a 180. I guess that is probably a pretty familiar story for parents at Wrong Planet where most of the kids are Asperger's and didn't have the significant delays, especially in speech, as a toddler. Now that the speech delays have resolved with the oldest, he is pretty much indistinguishable from any other kid talked about here on this forum, but I keep wondering if what I am seeing with the youngest is the difference in having an HFA preschooler and having an Asperger's preschooler.

I was agreeing with your husband until I reached the last 2 sentences.. then, adding everything up together, sounds like red flags to me. It takes some people longer than others to come to terms with the truth and your husband will just have to go through the motion of discovery, his own way. If the school is pushing for testing, great. No barriers there. I've learned to "ignore" people's opinions because they don't know my child the way I do.

Trust your instincts.