New and seeking help and advice

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Vetty
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17 Jan 2007, 1:37 am

Hello,
Ok, I've never done this before, so hear goes. I was a single mother of 4 children and then I meet a wonderful single man with a son, well his son has Asperger's he's just turned 12, I've been trying to read up on it and get my head around it, the do's and don't, its all been an eye opener. we have been living as a family for a year now and I thought all was going well,
My question is - How can I tell if the boy is telling me the truth, we have just found out when ever he opens his mouth it's a liar. He tells us he knows the difference between a lair and the truth but he can't help it, it is not just at home, its at this mothers and at school so I've been reading through the other messages to see if it a Asperger's trait or is it just him.
His father has been coping as a single dad for many year, as his ex wife has little visitation because she is unable to cope with the fact her son is "not normal" :( .
I hope this is all ok, once again I'm not sure on what I'm doing.
Thanks



Tim_Tex
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17 Jan 2007, 2:26 am

Welcome to WP!

Tim


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all4myboys
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17 Jan 2007, 12:40 pm

I'm new to this as well, but I have a 13 yr old son with A.S. And he has a problem telling the the truth as well, when I spoke to his Dr. about it she stated that in his mind he understands the difference between the truth and a lie but in reality the way he interpits the situation differently than the average (some say normal) does. So to him he is telling the truth because that is how he sees it. When realy it is not the case. So instead of just correcting him for something he can not help we were told to try and understand why he inturpeted it the way he did and then explain it to him in words that he would interpit correctly. 90% of children tell lies just try and distinguish if it is intentual or if it is him just missunderstanding. Example: I asked my son why he made a mess and he stated that he did'nt do it. He was the only one in the room, so I know that he was the one to do it. Once I pecificly said why did you lay you clothes on the floor as well as your cd player and school books and papers. That is not where they go he said ok sorry I did do that but I didnt make a mess. To him that was not a mess but to me it was.



mummadisaster
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17 Jan 2007, 1:12 pm

Hi Vetty, welcome to WP. I think it is wonderful what you are doing for this boy and your man, learning as much as you can about Asperger's so that you have a better understanding. This site will certainly help you to do that as well.

I have a ten year old Aspie son, as well as being one myself. Rest assured that the lying business is not intentional on your boy's part, it is more an issue with interpretation than anything else. Due to this "deficit" in our characters, we have a handshake system in place that we both use. It holds us both accountable to each other, as we have established that a handshake between each other is a bond which is unbreakable. If either of us doubt each other, we use this system that sorts it out pretty much straight away. If my son tells a lie, or an embellishment of the truth which is more often the case, he will not shake my hand and it is his "out". For this reason he does not get into trouble for the lie told, because I know he has not done it intentionally. We have used this system for many years now and for us it is foolproof.

Apart from that, I don't really know what you can do, except be patient and be understanding, which you seem to be already. All the best :)



PenitentSpark
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17 Jan 2007, 6:23 pm

What types of things does he lie about? Does he lie about any little thing you ask him about, or just situations to get himself out of trouble?



sderenzi
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17 Jan 2007, 7:10 pm

Lying is ok, but I'd be worried, if your 4 kids are woman and he's a guy there's no telling what an Aspie will do. He might decide to bang'm all just for the fun of it, afterall they're not related really. It's kinda scary to think about I know but I always thought that way, it's wired into us to think up strange stuff.



Vetty
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17 Jan 2007, 8:19 pm

For instance he will come back from a visit with his mum and he will tell us she tried to drown him or they went skiing for the day and left him at the bottom of the slopes to fend for himself, at school he will tell them that his mum's boyfriend hit and hurts him, she sleeps all day and doesn't feed or look after him. At home he will brake toys and blame the other kids, he tells everyone that we are mean to and we don't look after him, We both ask him why he said this or that and he just refuses to talk to us, as far as he see's it he can say "sorry and that's the end of it" we can't question it any more. We don't know what do because if we still question it he will cry, refuse to talk to us and if on the odd occasion he does say something its another lie to try and cover up the first lie. it got so bad
the school were ready to call DOC's because they are worried about his welfare.
We know kids lie, did you brush your teeth "yes I did" but they didn't, we understand that.



Vetty
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17 Jan 2007, 8:20 pm

Lying is ok, but I'd be worried, if your 4 kids are woman and he's a guy there's no telling what an Aspie will do. He might decide to bang'm all just for the fun of it, afterall they're not related really. It's kinda scary to think about I know but I always thought that way, it's wired into us to think up strange stuff.

Didn't help thanks,



Rob
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18 Jan 2007, 3:06 pm

Vetty wrote:
For instance he will come back from a visit with his mum and he will tell us she tried to drown him or they went skiing for the day and left him at the bottom of the slopes to fend for himself, at school he will tell them that his mum's boyfriend hit and hurts him, she sleeps all day and doesn't feed or look after him.


How do you know that he is lying about the time spent with his mother, and could it all be that he is strugling with the fact that his mother and father have new partners? It could be nothing to do with being AS at all...



Vetty
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18 Jan 2007, 4:05 pm

Just before Christmas he told us about her trying to drown him so we confronted them, and then he admitted that it was all a lie everything he has told us was a lie, His mother left 3 1/2 years ago to be with this man, we have been together for about 1 1/2 years, I have no idea if it is AS or just part of him but thats why I'm trying to get some in sight on other peoples situation to try and get a some answers and try to understand.



mummadisaster
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19 Jan 2007, 9:27 am

Vetty wrote:
Just before Christmas he told us about her trying to drown him so we confronted them, and then he admitted that it was all a lie everything he has told us was a lie, His mother left 3 1/2 years ago to be with this man, we have been together for about 1 1/2 years, I have no idea if it is AS or just part of him but thats why I'm trying to get some in sight on other peoples situation to try and get a some answers and try to understand.


Not only aspie kids do this kind of thing either, when the security of having both their parents together in a loving family falls to pieces. Separation/divorce is damned tough on the kids left behind, going from one parent to the other, let alone for aspie kids who need the stability more than anything else. You sound understanding. Please continue to be so for this child.



beentheredonethat
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19 Jan 2007, 3:04 pm

Our kid went through that phase. He grew out of it.

I don't call it lying. I call it "adjusting the world to be what you want it to be." Which isn't realistic, but that's what it is. Divorce is traumatic, and there are two possibilities. 1. It was a lie. 2. It was easier to say it was a lie than push the matter and all the consequences that would have. Is the "truth" so important? Isn't the "truth" a matter of perspective?

If you're thinking, "But this is serious," yes, it is, but remember that there is going to come a time when he tells you something that is not a lie, and you refuse to believe him, and you'll wind up feeling terrible!

Unless he has a reall live "conduct disorder,." which has nothing to do with Asperger's, and requires a psychiatrist to make that determination, you should check everything, but don't automatically disbelieve him. Do it openly. When he realizes that you are going to check everything, first he's going to yell "you don't trust me." Answer, I don't trust anyone. If I check and what you say is true, I'll do something about it. If it isn't, you can expect to have a discussion with me."

It is not easy advice to take, and the "discussion" should not always include consequences for a lie. Amazing, what happens when a child knows you're checking on them and not taking their word for something. And by the way, it's also a characteristic of Neuro Typical children.

Isn't child rearing fun?
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ster
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20 Jan 2007, 9:47 am

i've found that sometimes, what we perceive as them lying is not really lying to them.....my son vandalized the local school ( long story~in another thread here somewhere)..at any rate, when questioned by the police, he told them that he didn't do it~even though tthe evidence was clear that he did. i asked the officer if i could question son, and lo and behold, son admitted to the crime. what did i do different than the officer ? ...i broke the question down into components ~ did you enter the building ? "yes"... did you throw the bottle of glue ? "yes"...where were you when you threw the glue ? "outside"... (..the officer had asked son if he entered the building and threw the glue. son answered "no" because he was not in the building when he threw the glue)
my point is, maybe you're asking questions in such a way that is misleading to your child.



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21 Jan 2007, 9:19 am

It's certainly true that we interpret the world differently to most and it's important to distinguish between deliberate mistruths and mistaken perceptions. This young boy is probably very upset about all the upheavals in his life (and don't forget, Aspies often find it more difficult than most to cope with change) and acting out by telling "stories" about other people.

I agree with the others who suggested it will take a lot of patience to see this situation through.


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CockneyRebel
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22 Jan 2007, 7:39 am

I used to tell lies to my parents, all the time. I've told the most lies, when I was going through my Hippie Phase, between the ages 16 and 19.



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23 Jan 2007, 6:47 am

I rarely told outright lies but sometimes omitted information. The main time I was "economical with the truth" was when I wanted not to get into trouble for something.


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