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My niece is 14 years old, beautiful, intelligent, well-dressed, neurotypical but shy. Her 8th grade class is having a semi-formal. This boy in her class who is a cancer survivor asked her to be his date. She didn't expect it so she just blurted "yes". Later on the same day, she overheard him say that she was SO stupid to think that he would take "her" to that dance. She wasn't hurt by it. She doesn't even like him - she said he looks like a monkey. I've seen this kid and it appears as though my niece should be bullying him and not the other way around. I'm not saying this is right but I'm looking at this in the most superficial way that I can. These kids ARE very superficial at this age. The thing that did hurt her was why did he pick her to do that to? She doesn't even bother with him. She decided not to go at all even though she has two female friends to go with. She thinks there will probably be more humiliations waiting for at at the actual dance. Does anyone have any experience with this? I'm asking you guys because I have no idea. The only thought I could come up with was that he lashed out at an innocent person because he's tired of being condescended to because he was sick with cancer. Could that be it??

It is possible the kid was a jerk before cancer and the jerk factor didn't go away during cancer or its treatment.

^^ True. And maybe he was getting teased by some of his friends and was trying to show bravado. I think she should go if she wants and try to have fun and maybe get to dance with some boys she actually likes.

I was the frreak of the 7th grade but I went to the Valentine's dance anyway, and the poor guy I had such a crush on and stared at all the time actually danced with me. Even the mean girls were surprised because I was clean, had on a nice dress and makeup.

I'm not really sure how to explain this well, so maybe someone else can help me out, but here goes.

When we let the jerks of the world (the bad guys) determine where we go, who we talk to, what we do in life, then they win. I personally choose to not let them win. If we think of the big picture like some gang or person runs the streets, harasses people, makes people afraid and all the people pay up, hide in their homes etc then the bad guy wins. What has to happen to get people like that to back down is for the good guys to team up and stand up to them, refuse to be pushed into hiding, and stand up together. If she has friends to go with who will stick by her, then they can go as a team and enjoy themselves. It is not his dance and he has no right to intimidate her into fearing going to a dance for everyone.

I hope she can find the courage with her friends to not allow this other kid to determine/keep her from a fun and memorable experience.

Ok, if it was MY daughter, I would have told her that she should have joined in the conversation and told this boy off AS IT WAS HAPPENING. As in, "I am glad that you didn't actually want to go to the dance with me. THANK GOD, I only agreed because I was sorry for you, but it would have been SO EMBARRASSING to let the class see who I partnered with !"

Further demands for explanation would bring some rather ugly home truths to Mr. Jerk Who Survived Cancer.

But that is just me. I have learned the value of instant comebacks and immediate slams. This way, you don't stew over the injury and brood over it. I would let this go and not make a big deal out of it this time, especially since you say that she WAS NOT bothered by it (different story if she was). I actually think it is a virtue to not be very sensitive, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't let people talk crap about her.

Oh, and she SHOULD go to the dance. If he tries to humiliate her, a response along the lines of, "Oh, but when a bald headed, wig wearing jerk like you thinks he can dance... "

Never let jerks win. Cancer or not, he shouldn't get away with humiliating an innocent soul who has never done anything to him ever.

Is it definitely your niece he was referring to? Did he use her name? Maybe he was slighted by someone else and was angry at them and referring to them and your niece presumed he meant her because he'd asked her?

The best ploy would be for her to approach him and say "I understand you had a change of heart about asking me to the dance, that's OK, I understand, someone else wants me to go with them now so it works out well for everyone". This way, it gives him an opening to say there has been a misunderstanding and put it straight.

If it's true that it was about your niece, this way she saves face and can still go to the dance with her head held high. What can they do with staff there, as long as she doesn't allow herself to get out of sight of staff or a safe environment she should be fine, they can't do much worse than they would do at school anyway.

If this boy is a jerk, which even if he was talking about someone other than your niece for no good reason, then he can get on with it and she doesn't have to lose out.