Strategies for perspective and communication problems.

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My son is turning 12, and we're getting into some negativity and need a way out. Help!

He cannot take my perspective and we are miscommunicating often. We both are dealing with hormones (I'm an older mom) and I'm a bit hard of hearing (of which of course he can't empathize). He is very quick to think I am saying something I am not, and he twists my words all up in a knots. There no use in responding to him. So then he reacts to my silence and screams that that means I am lying etc. Most often I am simply telling him the part I heard, and asking him to repeat the part I didn't hear. He finds fault with the way I mention the part I could hear and thinks I'm trying to say something against him.

I want to have some sort of signal that we need to drop the conversation and take a break, but all my attempts have failed. Any suggestions?

I do not know how practical this is, but you could you text or pass notes? Then there is no confusion about what is said, you only have to concern yourself with interpretations of what is said.

Thanks. Come think of it, most of these wrecked conversations occur when I'm driving or cooking, not when I can turn to pen and paper.

Of course.

My son always wants to talk to me when I am trying to concentrate on driving or about to burn myself or need to count how many I cup/teaspoons I put into something.

I can't get him to defer the conversation because he is a never ending chatterbox. Maybe at 12, you could tell your son to wait until you get home/get finished cooking so no confusion arises. Depending on his maturity, he might think that is a good idea, too. (Or he might get mad and think you don't want to talk to him--so I would tell him this during a quiet/peaceful time, just in case)

You probably already thought of this but, with the above in mind, can you schedule a time to have a conversation with him about how hard it is for you to discuss anything when you are busy with a tasks like cooking or driving? Maybe you could have an agreement that it is OK for you to say something like "I can't talk right now, how about after dinner?" Then when he tries to talk to you at one of those times he won't be surprised if you respond that way?

I was also going to suggest texting; it helps keep you from going on and on, plus it is visual.

You can try to use the same format when talking, though - think no more than 140 characters, or about 30 words or less. I'd even go fewer. I also agree that you might not want to talk during the times when it doesn't work well - why don't you allow a conversation, and when it starts to go bad, have a stock phrase that you use every time, like:

"This conversation seems to be getting confused. I'm going to take a break. We can talk about it again when ________________"

I started saying this to my son:
"I know that's what you heard but that's not what I said."

For him, he wasn't processing the information correctly and would accuse me of things as well. When I realized and started saying this phrase, it really stopped him in his track. I basically acknowledged what he heard and rephrased what was said. I like the note suggestions. We are doing this a lot lately too. My son is 12 and it works really well - black and white - and no (minimal) misunderstanding.

This thread reminds me of one of my favorite quotes - hope it at least makes you smile.



"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." Robert McCloskey