How do you explain your child's special needs to a group?

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In our homeschool group, the few times that I have tried to talk about the Eldest's diagnosis of HFA (it is pretty obvious that he is not NT if you know what to look for, but the average person doesn't), and have mostly gotten brush-offs like "Surely not." "It can't be that bad." "I'm sure he'll turn out fine." Other things along those lines. Granted he is pretty quiet unless you get him wound up about his special interests, and those don't come up much with this group, and he is a very passive type, so his behavior isn't a big concern within a group most of the time, but still, I haven't been able to make any of them take me seriously, like in parent meetings or to individuals teaching the classes.

So generally not too big a deal with the Eldest, just annoying, since he doesn't cause much ruckus, but I have my husband, the preschool, and the public school testing people all telling me to get the Sprout around other kids more often to give him practice with social skills. (I don't think that's going to change things, but I am going to have to go through with it to prove the point, I think). This summer there are park days and then in the fall their are group activities (for his age group) and park days (for a wide range of ages from babies to teens). Normally when we go to parks or group activities it ends one of two ways. 1. The Sprout ignores the existence of the other kids and does his own thing. Or 2. he gets involved with the other kids either through them putting themselves in the middle of what he's focusing on (usually younger kids), or through him wanting to script them into his game (usually older kids). The second option always ends with him being violent with another child and quite often with him having a meltdown.

This is bad enough when we are around random people that I can say sorry to and drag the Sprout out of there, but these group things are going to involve the same people over and over. People that I have to deal with not just with the Sprout, but also with the older kids. I really feel like I need some meaningful way of communicating to them ahead of the Sprout hitting someone or having a meltdown that these things are likely outcomes, and that we are working on them. And to please keep their babies and toddlers from wallowing all over him. Why do people think it is perfectly fine for small toddlers to grab, bump into, or other wise accost preschool age kids? I get that he's bigger and older, but he REALLY means it when he tells them to stop touching him. That's something that I hope I can explain to these people. Most people look at me like a total b***h if I ask them to please make their toddler stop following my preschooler around touching him, and I don't have a shorthand way of telling them why it matters so much when it is normal type play between kids that age. Everyone else is like, "Aww, that's so cute." I'm like, "He's going to punch your kid in the face if you don't make your kid listen to him when he says to stop following him." Enter the meltdown when I then have to drag my almost 5 year old off the playground before he punches the 18 month old who was being obnoxious.

Is there any possible angle that I can approach this that doesn't sound like I am trying to say it is okay for him to hit (I completely do not feel that way. I just haven't worked out how to make him stop yet), or doesn't result in more brushing off, or just the assumption that he's a bad kid. He doesn't have a diagnosis right now other than "social skills delay" (5th percentile), because the only testing he has had was the basic stuff available through the public preschool people and they only test how things affect school work.

He is very smart and speaks like a child much older than he is, which makes the behaviors so much worse to try to explain. I am sure some of you have been through this with your Aspie preschoolers. This is such a different experience than with the Eldest, because at this age he was so delayed in everything and so obviously delayed, and so willing to just talk and talk and talk to complete strangers that we never had these kinds of playground issues with him. The middle child had some of these behaviors, but never the social skills delays, so with him the worry was that he'd insult one of the adults or instigate mischief that got another kid in trouble, but he rarely ever had a problem directly with other kids.

18 month olds have impulse control issues, just naturally. My son is seven, and has them, now even. Think of it as just the opposite of your son. He can't handle the contact and the personal boundary imposition, and toddlers often crave it. However, that does not make it O, for them to ignore what you say. The parents should take you seriously and redirect their children, but the social convention is that older kids (with supposedly better impulse control) are "supposed to know" toddlers are little and not very cautious, and not hit them.

I would say that your son is not capable of following that social convention, (without adding judgmental language b/c they will not respond well to it)and that they really need to take what you are saying seriously. If they do not, then I am afraid you will have to shoo the little ones away from your son, yourself. If you do not and your son cold cocks a toddler, the consequences will be really, really bad.

Here is how I would try to handle it. Again, if the parents still won't listen you are going to have to shoo the toddlers yourself.

Suchandsuch, I know Poopsie is trying to be friendly, but my son is autistic and he does not like to be touched by people, even by toddlers. It is very hard for him to handle involuntary contact, and it agitates him. Could you please redirect Poopsie away from him. When autistic children are agitated they have very minimal impulse control, and are not careful. I am sure you would not want Poopsie to be injured, if my son were to attempt to physically extracate himself from your child. He would likely not be careful, and Poopsie could get seriously hurt. (I am not sure if you should acknowledge that he would actually punch a toddler, b/c I do not know if the group could deal with that possibility without being judgmental)

How do you explain anything to a group?

1. Do your research.
2. Know your audience.

Perhaps I'm too literal with your question.

I guess that I am having the most trouble with audience bit of that. I have a lot of trouble putting things clearly, and definitely a lot of trouble making them concise. Look at my posts here and that's when I have time to edit and think. Standing right in front of someone there is a lot of Umm, uhh, SQUIRREL!, tangents, forgetting the point of what I was trying to say, getting nervous when they stare right at me trying to show they are listening,more nervousness because by that point I am usually rocking back and forth, firmly not looking them in the eye, and wringing my hands together, which makes me even more nervous because I know that that is the wrong kind of body language to be using to make NT people take me seriously, all of which is usually followed by some platitude about how they are sure whatever I am trying to talk about will be fine. I have to plan ahead and get a thing clearly in mind to say if I have any hope of avoiding that.