newly diagnosed 12 year old son

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Hi. My son is almost 12. He just got diagnosed with autism. It sure explains a lot! He started out at age 2 with apraxia of speech, global dyspraxia and sensory integration disorder. He didn't have speech at all until age 3. He was excluded from an autism diagnosis only on the basis of being affectionate, snuggly and willingly making eye contact (once he got to know you, but not if he saw you in a random place or if he didn't know you well yet.) At age 5 he also got a bi-polar and ADHD diagnosis. Risperdal calmed his angry tantrums and melatonin is the only way he can sleep.

Flash forward to three weeks ago. Newish psychiatrist reviews everything and says he definitely has autism. Pretty high functioning obviously but still. So all this time I've been thinking his very annoying behaviors are things he might grow out of or stop thru counseling or something. The anger and tantruming and violence and most of the irritation had come back, but they changed him to haldol from risperdal and those symptoms are mostly gone now. But the other symptoms, the mainly annoying ones... For years I've done behavior charts, rewards, consequences, you name it, and they have not changed. I'm beginning to wonder if I should stop expecting them to change. Maybe I need to re think my expectations.

I'm using social stories and discussions to deal with things like him poking straws into our noses at restaurants, rubbing his butt on us, rubbing his nose on us, bouncing around into people in public, kicking people's chairs, being too loud. But my questions for the immediate future revolve around behaviors at home. Such as NEVER and I do mean NEVER turning off lights when he leaves a room. When he's done with a cup he throws it on the ground. Clothes land where they fall. Soap sprays the bathroom from him pumping the pump so hard. Toilets overflow from too much paper. Garbage everywhere. If there are food items in the house that involve the need to show restraint, he cannot - he will eat all the donuts, the entire case of diet pepsi, whatever, if not monitored every minute of every day.

It might matter to know his IQ although I know it's not really understood how to measure it in autistic kids - 111. He also reads at a college level. He does have a processing disorder and two specific learning disabilities and is on an IEP and cannot do any sort of school work at all involving output without one on one guiding. When I tell him pick up the cup, throw away the garbage, he knows what I mean and can often follow my instructions especially if it gets to the point that he's ignored me for so long I've said look, you need to pay attention and do as I ask or this is going to cut into your computer time. But that gets old.

So, do I just keep plugging away? Or do I just make the rounds of my house a couple times per day and sweep up the destruction? I guess ultimately this is a stupid question since who knows... What I really want to know is, is he capable of ever learning to get a better handle on these issues on his own? And maybe that question is unanswerable. But I'd appreciate your input anyway.

If you're new to the diagnosis, I suggest you start reading and researching - there are a lot of resources stickied to the top of this board. You can work on things, but often you need to find a work-around, rather than the linear I-ask-this-and-you-do-it that I think NT kids respond to (I don't have an NT kid, so I'm assuming.) Something many of us find helpful: it is easier to think of our kids as being 1/3 less of their chronological age - a developmental delay means some skills take longer to develop. You can work on them, just as you would with a younger child, but sometimes it just takes time.

One thing I'd suggest to try is writing in short, bulleted instruction lists. Stick them to places where they happen: For instance, if your son tends to throw clothes on the floor, you might try putting the directions on what to do with clothes somewhere near the floor where it happens, or bathroom instructions on the mirror, etc. Many kids on the spectrum don't process verbal commands well.

Otherwise, poke around and see if the information here leads to specific questions - you'll get answers not only from parents, but also from adults on the spectrum.

As i read your post it started sounding more and more like my son Dominic..Im still new to it and i have no idea where to turn and learn more about why he is the way he is.Thats why i joined here.I hope to find answers.


Heather
PDD Son age 12

Read up on executive dysfunction. That might explain his messiness.

I have just a minute while my 7 yo is in the bathtub so I will share a timely example. He is starting to wash himself independently after years now of me giving him the same instructions every bath time. So in a nutshell, yes your son can learn to pick up after himself but you will have to make a concerted effort and do it for the long haul. He certainly isn't going to learn it if you do it for him. I was just reading a thing about how useful it is to do tasks WITH our ASD kids as a method of teaching them. Gotta go make sure DS rinsed the soap out of his hair.

Thanks all so far! I do tend to have him with me when I "make the rounds." We usually do major stuff (like milk sitting around in glasses, open food) once per day and then every other day or so we'll gather up less yucky and less immediate out of place things. I do get annoyed with my husband constantly reporting to me when my son has left on a light or something... Yes, I know, I'm not surprised, tell me something I don't know, ya know... I've had behavior charts posted around in the past and they tend to just make him mad, but I do like the idea of some specific guidelines on paper posted here and there. I think I'll start with clothes need to be in your room, garbage needs to go in the can, turn off the lights when you leave. Maybe I need to make it big and colorful or maybe it should be a picture of the activity. He is able to stare right at something and not see it. And I do "catch him being good" and compliment him when he remembers something (he doesn't tend to remember any of these things I'm mentioning in this post, but he does remember other things, so it's not like there is nothing I can praise him about.) But my basic question I guess is should we "lecture" or even mention it to him as we discover it, or should we just once or twice per day go around with him and do some straightening up? It must get awfully annoying to him to hear us tell him 5 times in one day that he forgot to turn off a light and to run back in and do it. But I don't know, maybe he needs that feedback. It just doesn't seem like there is any change and I've been telling him that stuff for his whole life.

So for example, if I knew for sure that there would never be a time that he could reliably turn off the tv and lights and throw his trash away before leaving a room, I'd stop bringing it up when it happens as if it's something he did wrong that he might one day be able to do right, and I'd treat it more as if it was something like he threw up. He can never prevent himself from throwing up, and it's not like it's something "wrong" he did, but we still have to clean it up, and he can help. (Bad analogy I guess because if he was sick I wouldn't make him clean up his own vomit, but I hope you know what I mean.)

So to sum up, does he need to hear it every time and should I have him run back and fix it every time and hopefully one day it will stick, or is that not going to help and it just causes needless annoyance? (Because it's not like he happily complies when I tell him to go back and throw away his garbage or whatever - if he's off to do something it's very hard to change gears to complete something like that first when the idea for the upcoming activity has entered his mind.) Run back and fix it, or twice per day go around with me and fix it then? Is there some kind of standard autism advice that I haven't encountered in my reading yet that would indicate it's most important to catch them as soon a possible and have them fix something right then?

Actually, even though I said it must get annoying to him to hear us tell him 5 times in one day to turn off lights, he doesn't really seem to notice that it's a constant thing. He gets upset because it causes him to have to change what he was planning on doing, but he never seems to be like "oh gosh here they go again bugging me about the same thing over and over." What is annoying TO ME is having to say well, here we are then, waiting to transition to our next activity until you can go back in that room and turn off the light that you left on. And no, you can't play the wii until you throw away your dinner mess, and then having to listen to him whine and complain and argue and refuse... It seems to work better from a mood standpoint if things stay where they are placed until we make time to do an official pick up. He seems to like it better when it's the thing we are doing now, instead of the thing preventing him from doing what he had wanted to do next. But I'm not sure if that's best for his overall "training". My mom and husband don't think it is. And I don't really care what they think unless I give it some consideration and decide they might be right.

Maybe mini-routines would help? If it is important to get his dishes to the sink right after supper, announce before you eat. "We eat supper, then we put up our dishes, then we play Wii." and then down the line, "We ate, now we put up our dishes, then we play Wii." That way the dishes (or whatever is important enough to do this with) isn't a surprise or an interruption to his current activity. If he likes things written or put in picture form, maybe even a mini-chart with the steps of just that routine on it would be something he'd like.

The light thing is hard because it requires constantly being mindful unless it is made into a habit of always doing it every time he leaves a room. We have let this go by the wayside ourselves because we got distracted by other things when he started back tracking on it, again. The other issue we would have is when he was doing it, is he would shut the light off when he left a room even if other people were still there. We would correct him, he'd giggle, and turn the light back on.

You reminded me, I need to get him back on track on this. If you can figure out a small incentive to give him every time he remember it might help reinforce it. Our son is young so he gets excited to get a penny, even. He doesn't really care about the purchasing power as much as he likes to collect money like Scrooge McDuck and then trade up for higher coins and bills.

I think I may add that in July as an incentive program, here. I will have to set it up so he doesn't get credit for just turning lights on and off, for no reason though...

Keep in mind, if your child is an Aspie, verbal processing is probably not his strong suit. Therefore, the more words you use, the less he will retain. "Lecturing" simply does not work (though not lecturing is often harder for us parents than one might think! Definitely a learned skill ) It might not be a bad idea to point things out, but I would do so in a matter-of-fact way.

I also agree that routines are important - for instance, to get my son to write down his homework assignments, we wrote in his IEP that he needs to be prompted to write something EVERY TIME, even when there isn't homework. You might ask your son to stop and turn off the lights as a part of leaving the room - but keep in mind that this will mean you will have to turn the lights back on if you're still in the room.

Sometimes, it's easier to find a work-around and just stop worrying about it: http://www.amazon.com/Lutron-MS-OPS5M-W ... ght+switch (the particular product is just a suggestion - but they use something like this in our school) While there are some skills your child needs to learn, if you find a work-around he can viably use as an adult, he doesn't really need to learn to do this one.

Then you can focus on trash (which might be easier if you set a routine of a couple cleanups a day - and also to ban trash-producing items from certain parts of the house (no candy or chips outside of the kitchen.) A lot of it is about picking your battles.

Sorry, I'm rambling a bit...

Don't try to tackle everything all at once. Most of us find that we and our kids have more success when we work on one or two challenges at a time.

We have tied a reward system to the activities I want my son to focus on. He earns time on the x-box and computer by performing tasks around the house. It has really worked. He is motivated and I get him to do what I want.

Find out what motivates your son (my son is also 12) and recognize that this could also be "typical" teenager behavior. I have two other typical children and they are the worst about picking up after themselves.

Nice to know that some of these behaviors are actually age appropriate and pray to god that someday they will out grow them. Good luck!

Us, too! While I hate the Xbox in theory (and it has also uncovered a GLARING skills gap in communication and sportsmanship) I am glad that it is something that he truly enjoys and that's relatively easy to dole out in minutes earned. He gets X amount per day for just doing nominal everyday stuff, and then can earn more time for extras.

"First-then" helped my daughter a great deal, only she was a lot younger than your son. But we started with "first-then" and then moved to "first-next-then." It takes a lot of repetition, but it can really help.

My son is 11 and it takes him FOREVER to establish a new routine and the biggest stumbling block is me. I also have ADHD, so it often happens that after a few days, I start to forget to prompt him and then everything falls back to where it was. It is frustrating to us both.

This next bit may not help your son, but it helps with mine. He knows his diagnoses, and he knows that his frontal lobe is "sleepy" (that's the term his neurologist used and I like it, because it does not imply it does not work or is broken, it just acknowledges that it does not always work the same way as it would if it were wide awake). Understanding this about himself has increased his motivation to learn ways to compensate. He sees me as a successful person (which I am, I suppose) and so he knows that even though his frontal lobe is sleepy, he can learn ways to compensate for it. So now, for example, we are working on him making his own visual reminders for things that need to get done. If your son is aware of being different than other kids or aware of having difficulties, explaining why and letting him know that he can learn how to work around it might be helpful.

I also want to second that some of what you are seeing might be "normal" teenaged stuff. I have met extensively with my son's teachers, school psychologist and guidance counselor and they have confirmed that some of his issues are well outside the norm of what is expected for his age, but some of them are simple exaggerations of what "typical" kids are going through, and some of them are pretty much par for his age.

Sounds too familiar - I have a 12 year old as well. I think you need to let go of a few things. For example:

Have a chore list. Write down 3-5 chores you want him to do daily. If he completes it, give him a reward. Ignore the immediate behaviours because from the sounds of it, you'll be nagging at him all day. He'll eventually learn that if he "dumps" everything, it'll take him longer to complete his chores. State this in a social story. Then, just monitor and offer friendly reminders to do his chores at a very specific time of day.

My son is 12 and these are the chores he's required to do everyday after dinner:
1) Clear the dinner table. Use spray bottle (vinegar) and wipe
2) Tidy up living room - all toys, books, papers away. Pillows/blanket neatly on couch
3) Tidy up bedroom - laundry in basket, bed made, toys/books sorted
4) Double check

What works for him is that everything has a specific place. I bought IKEA shelving pieces to help him organize his things. It takes him minutes.

Food: He sounds impulsive. Either buy a lock for the junk food or stop buying them altogether. They're not helping him at all and probably are contributing to his behaviours. My son used to tantrum DAILY for weeks at a time until I adjusted his diet. Something to consider. Pepsi and donuts? Yikes. No offense.

Toilet paper: is there a way to purchase tissue that is not on a roll? I'm guessing he's "whipping" the paper off the roll and whatever comes out is whatever gets flushed down the toilet. Attach a little shelf above the toilet paper roll and buy a box of tissue that won't clog the toilet.

Soap spray: I bet this is a fine motor skill that's difficult for him. Let this one go. He has more important things to work on.
Lights: Ignore for now. Revisit this once he's overcome some of the other pressing issues.
Garbage: Add it into his chore list
Clothes: Add it into his chore list
Dishes: Add it into his chore list

Straws, request no straws (privately) when you're at a restaurant and before the drinks arrive.
Physical issues: Sounds like a sensory issue. Have you heard of dry-brushing? It's a technique used to desensitize the body.
Loudness: Auditory sensitivities - he's likely trying to drown out background noises he's having difficulties in filtering - or - check his hearing.

To be clear, I think you're not suggesting ShastaMcNasty should let these things go - but that work-arounds are in order rather than directly confronting each thing head-on.

I don't think you have to give up all of your personal bodily autonomy to a grown child. However, you do need to pick your battles and decide a way to handle it that works for everyone, including your child.

Keep in mind, also, that these behaviors may have different origins. For instance, the rubbing of body parts is usually a sensory-seeking behavior, and you can try giving him some kind of a "fidget" http://www.sensoryuniversity.com/FIDGET-CITY_c48.htm (not an endorsement of this particular website, just that there are lots of product options there.) A weighted lap pad or blanket might help, too. (he may be feeling disoriented, kind of like you feel when you're headed on the downswing of a roller coaster.)

Bumping into people and kicking chairs may be a proprioperceptive deficit - people with MS or under the influence of alcohol have this deficit (field sobriety tests are looking at proprioperception) It's a lack of awareness of where your body is in relation to other things. We have my son in Tai Chi for this reason - other theraputic option are yoga, juggling and other circus arts related to balance and coordination, dance, surfing etc.

Loudness could either be a sensory problem or a pragmatics (social speech) problem.

Here's a good overview of sensory information. Sounds like you could really use an assessment by an Occupational Therapist and some Occupational Therapy: http://www.therapystreetforkids.com/Sensory2.html