Wanting to cry

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My son just turned 5. We still do not have his kindergarten issue resolved. He went to a private special ed school on Monday to see if he would be a good fit. He was in a foul mood all morning and then threw me in a panic when we got to the school by hiding under a table, having me look for him high and low to find him. I tried to calm him (and myself) down in the waiting area. Finally the admissions coordinator and a teacher came by for our appointment and introduced themselves to us. I was not told beforehand that they were going to take him separately for an observation--all I was told on the phone was that I was to bring him in so they could meet him, and I thought we would just get a school tour. So we were both surprised when they tried to get him to go off with one of the teachers to "play", and of course he refused to do so. Not knowing about this beforehand, I had not been able to prepare him for it, and he became even more upset than before. He finally told the teacher he would only go with her for two minutes, and then he wanted to come right back to me--which she agreed to. The other woman wanted me to go with her to talk in another office, but I told her I preferred to wait for my son right where I was sitting since I promised that I would, and I didn't want to break my word. I was surprised when they didn't return after the two minutes, so I thought things were going well. After about a half hour my son was brought back to me and I was told they would be in touch about how the observation went. Later on that afternoon I get a call from the school and was told they could not offer him a spot because he threw a toy at the teacher during the observation. They said that they could not handle a kid with this level of aggressive behavior. I was shocked because he usually does not show that kind of behavior in a school setting, and I became concerned his negative behavior is escalating instead of improving. They said he needs a school with more ABA-type approach and a smaller setting where he can get the attention he needs, but they cannot accommodate him. I do believe that they should have been more specific in telling me what they planned to do with him so that I could prepare him beforehand, and that they shouldn't have tricked him into believing he would be returned to me after two minutes if they had no intention to do so. But that does not excuse his throwing a toy, and I did make that clear to him afterward.

Lately his moods have been more volatile and I don't know if it is partially because his school year ended and he is in a transitional period. But he has been acting out a lot more lately and I am very concerned that this is going to affect his ability to get into an appropriate school setting. Earlier this evening I wanted to talk to him about some big gashes he made in our wood floors and how to avoid that happening in the future, but he refused to listen and became defensive and angry despite my non-accusatory, non-disapproving approach. He would not listen to me, ran away from me, covered his ears, stuck out his tongue, and was being plain rude. I tried to put him in a time-out but he became even more aggressive. I then took him downstairs to his bedroom, and his aggression escalated, beginning to punch his legs and then punched mine--I'm not sure whether on purpose or by accident. I changed him into his pajamas and brushed his teeth while he continued to fight against me, and reasoned that if he couldn't listen or behave it must be because he is too tired and should go to sleep. I told him that if he could calm himself down and apologize to me, then he could come back upstairs. Then he started crying. I let him cry it out for a while, and our nanny went downstairs to attempt to calm him down.

After a while I went back to him because the nanny said he wanted to talk to me. I went there and he was expressing his feelings, but in a heartbreaking way. He said to me, "I hate my heart! It is ugly! I want to throw it away! I hate it! It is disGUSting! I want to destroy it! It is painful! I want to crush it! I want to cut it out! I hate it!"

My heart ached hearing him say this. I reassured him how much I loved him, especially his heart. I told him his heart was not ugly and that I loved all of him all the time. He said he didn't want a red heart, he wanted a green heart. He wanted to get a new one from the Wizard of Oz. He wanted a doctor to give him a new one, but was afraid it would hurt. He asked how a doctor could help him. He wanted to know what tools the doctor would use to open his chest. I told him doctors had special ways and special tools and knew how to not hurt him.

I think this is my son's attempt to talk about his feelings. I am worried this idea of hating his heart could easily turn into hating himself, and into full blown depression. I love this kid and just want to cry because I don't know how to help him. It pains me to see him this way. Please help us. I'm at my wit's end. Tomorrow we have another "observation" at a school program that would be great for him--if he can control his behavior. I have been preparing him as to what to expect. I don't know what else to do. His other option in a regular ICT class in his zoned school would not be the better option for him, as the teacher-student ratio is even worse. This is becoming much harder than I thought it would be. Any advice on anything would be much appreciated. Thanks.

It can be vey hard to find a special ed school that is designed for high-functioning kids with "behavior", but this is likely what you need. Just keep asking everyone you meet (parents, therapists, etc) for names of schools. When you talk to the school, ask if they have a BCBA (board certified behavior analyst) on staff, what techniques the aides and teachers use to prevent and address behavior, and if most of the kids are pursuing a grade level common core curriculum.

The nonpublic school for Aspergers kids my DS attends was able to reduce his severely aggressive and disruptive "behavior" to almost zero incidents within two months. They use a combo of frequent sensory breaks, accommodating things like refusing to wear shoes, giving him lots of control, just right academic tasks, time for preferred activities, and a reward system. For 10 kids, they have a mod/severe credentialed teacher and 4 aides with behavioral training supervised by a BCBA. The academics aren't quite what they ought to be, but I am pushing them to set higher goals (read at grade level and master addition facts instead of just telling time and capitalization) and supplementing at home.

Let's start with this: any school that does not understand how important it is for an ASD child to know what to expect is not the right place for an ASD child. I don't think your son was the issue; I think the school was the wrong place for him.

That said, I know how hard it is to find the right place, and I know how stressed I was about everything back when my son was your son's age.

I wonder if the heart discussion was your son's attempt to express that his feelings are too overwhelming. Or, perhaps, he is trying to express anxiety he might feel, given that anxiety sends the heart racing. I would dig into this more.

You haven't described anything that my son didn't do at that age yet he went to mainstream public school and was fine. For him, the trigger turns out to have been an inappropriate preschool environment; once he was out of there enjoying a new beginning, his behaviors improved dramatically. Not 100%, but dramatically to where he was able to save aggression for home, which isn't uncommon.

It is like looking for a needle in a haystack but there is a good chance there is a trigger here. He may well be afraid of attending a new school in the fall and all that will involve, or there could be more. If you can get him to talk, that would be great. Perhaps set up some Wizard of Oz stories that put characters in similar situations to recent things at home, and see where he wants to take those characters. Little ones who may not know how to talk about themselves sometimes do know how to give their feelings to a character; worth a try, anyway.

And, well, its OK to cry. Let yourself do that. You'll feel better. When you're ready, you get back to work.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am so thankful for this board and for your support.

This morning DS5 had his observation scheduled. My husband and I both took him and we were both nervous wrecks. We tried to accommodate his wacky wishes as best we could, just to keep him in a positive frame of mind for as long as possible. He wanted to have a lollipop I offered but I was not aware he would not be able to take it into the classroom observation with him. He started to get into a foul mood but I managed to avoid a full-blown meltdown by giving him some rock/crystals I had in my pocketbook (that I happen to carry around), telling him to take good care of them for me. Luckly that settled him down--Phew!! !

The team was really great with him. They really knew how to handle him. They had met him to obseve him at his own school the week before, so he at least already knew them from a previous occasion. They took him to the green room where they grew plants and this distracted him and he was able to warm up to them. They started talking about subways, and he cheered up. My husband and I were told to come back at 10am, and we both were nervous nellies waiting for the clock to strike the hour.

He came back and seemed in decent spirits. The team was smiling, and then they told us he did well, and offered us a placement for him!! ! Now the last piece of the process is to have an official diagnostic test administered on Saturday morning (the ADOS) so that he is confirmed to be on the autistic spectrum, which is a requirement to be eligible for the program. I asked the teacher if she thought he would qualify, and she said yes.

I'm so happy right now I want to do the snoopy dance! I just hope he can do well in the environment, because I know I am going to be sweating every day hoping not to get any phone calls, hoping he is doing OK...For now, I am just glad he has a place to go to in September. I hope the ADOS confirms his diagnosis on Saturday otherwise we will be in a very strange situation!

Please wish us luck!! !

Good luck!

I completely agree with DW that the school acted inappropriately and probably was not a good place for your son.

I also remember when my son was a little younger than yours, he had a similar meltdown. He essentially threatened suicide without having the words for it at the time - but his meaning was clear. It absolutely broke my heart at the time (as well as sending me into a panic, because at the time we had no idea what was going on.)

DS really struggled to find words for big feelings, and I do think that he suffered from depression from a very early age - nobody was helping him with all of his deficits, he was pretty much on his own. Much as I realize we simply didn't have the tools to do better, I wish I could have helped him more when he was little.

I'm glad your son has a mother who's more on top of it than I was. You're doing a good job - hang in there!

I am so happy to hear that the visit today went well!! !!

Nothing like the up and down life of parenting a special needs child, is there?

What great news!

I am glad to hear that good things are happening.

The OP reminded me of a bad day I had with my son--but I was the idiot who sprang an unexpected situation on him. I had no idea what I was doing. My idea of preparing him was telling him 10 minutes ahead of time... and he had a meltdown.

Without knowing about his aspergers and how this ties in, we were clueless about this kind of thing. Then I responded to these things one way, and my wife another--and we were clueless about that too.

It's good to have a little knowledge.

I agree with all the posters who said the first place would have been a really bad placement. I think you are lucky things went badly for the observation b/c if they do not want to deal with meltdowns it was not the right place for your child. There will be things at school that will cause them, if your child is prone to them, and you want a place that can handle it compassionately, and efficiently with as little drama as possible.

I am very glad you found a more suitable place for your child.

This morning my son had the ADOS administered. The psychologist said it was very clear my son was on the spectrum, so his diagnosis was confirmed. She will have the formal report in a couple of weeks, but we can officially move forward with enrolling him in the specialized school program. I feel relieved that the search for a school placement is finally over, but it is bittersweet, as now I do have to understand the implications that my son did not actually "outgrow" his diagnosis, as I had been so reassured by other professionals. On the other hand, I have a very tender spot in my heart for him that just grew even bigger.