How do I respond to violent outbursts?

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Hello all, I have a question that is playing on my mind and I was hoping someone here could assist me...

My younger half-brother (age 13) has Asperger's and he has been violent as of late. I am not sure how to appropriately respond. Recently he grabbed a knife out of the kitchen cabinet at his Dad and Step Mom's house and held it at the door way as he stared at his Step Mom; he was retaliating to being told he could not play video games any longer because they had company over the house. He scared a few people. The next day his Dad tried to speak with him about it and he slapped his Dad as a response. He is going to receive clinical help at this camp he will be sent to over the next few weeks, but he is staying at my house for now (with our Mom) because a doctor ordered him not to be around his Step Mom. I have also noticed he gives me death stares as well. I reminded him his Dad was going to arrive shortly-he was sort of just laying around and was not well prepared- and he had to get prepared to leave. He responded by getting very close to my face and staring at me with a grimace. I told him not to do that and that it wasn't nice, but he continued to do so, even as I tried to create some distance-he walked closer to me with his eyes locked on mine. As one additional note, his Dad also awoke the other night to my brother staring at him while he was asleep. When asked why he was doing so he just said "I don't know." Seems slightly psychotic to me, but I am not well educated with such conditions.

Anyway, I tell you all this to ask you a series of questions: 1) How abnormal is this kind of behavior 2) How do I talk to my brother when he becomes violent or reacts negatively to something 3) Could this be happening because he is emotional behind people his age and doesn't know how to communicate effectively? On paper, and judging by his grades in school, he is up to par for someone his age-he is also fantastic at mathematics and remember statistics, mostly football. However, his ability to communicate with others and express his feelings is comparable to a eight or nine year old-I assist teaching children all the time at my Karate dojo and that's the best comparison I can make.

I really appreciate any feedback I can get. I am just trying to educate myself so I can better help him and work with him.

Hey, we're talking about violence, or at least its very real threat. That kid needs to go before he hurts someone. And if he does, some people will hold it against all aspies.

I'm sorry you are having such issues. I don't unfortunately know what to tell you. I have been the complete opposite as what you describe your brother. While I can be quite angry vocally, when it comes to physical violence I can't stomach it. I can't even pop my kids on the butt in response to naughty behavior. As for the staring into your eyes.. it is overwhelming just thinking about looking into someones eyes. So I am not sure about others here and if they feel the same as that.

I am the opposite of violent and I thought that was due to my Asperger's... so for me I would say your brothers behavior is not typical.. but I may be just placing others into my shoes and not able to step into theirs.. sorry to not be any help.

Thank you for some quick responses. A little bit more about the staring issue, he generally has a difficult time looking at people when speaking, especially strangers. He does make eye contact with family members when talking, but not all the time. It seems like when he is angry he breaks the pattern and is able to stare. Until recently he was very docile and harmless. Loud sounds scare him. Earlier today he accidently brushed against some glass bottles and freaked out because they could have crashed on the floor and hurt him. He also didn't like the sound. So it is just odd that he has these outbursts when he is normally timid, mild, and harmless.

Shadow, from what you're describing, he can hurt somebody. That's what matters. He has no right to endanger the rest of you.

you can say, "you seem really angry. tell me about it." all the while, stay out of reach. if he keeps closing in, get away and call for help. your safety comes first.

Cathylynn, the only time anybody has the right to get violent is in the defense of their own life and property, or those of another. That aspie who killed all those people in Connecticut is a good example of what can happen when violence isn't taken seriously. Nobody should put up with that.

He is currently enrolled in a program to help him and will be seeing a doctor more regularly than he has been. So don't worry, we are getting him help. I am not really concerned about him hurting me (or anyone else) now as I am concerned about this progressively getting worse. In the wake of the Newtown shootings I think this needs to be taken care of immediately because if something happens people will correlate Asperger's with violence, and you cannot really equate the two. I appreciate comments on how to speak to him. I know he functions a little differently than I do, so I am not sure how to properly reach him.

I sure hope you're right that it's under control. You are betting your lives on it. Remember, that Lanza kid wasn't exactly a pugilist either. Good luck.

This is very complicated, so I will preface this by saying I am not a professional.

#1: What kind of relationship do you have with him? Are you close? How well do you feel you know him? Do you have a relationship where he would want to confide in you, or would he perceive you questioning him as nosy or a threat?

Generic Aspie advice is not going to work too well. You have to work with what you specifically know about him.

#2: What does your mom think? What does his therapist think?
#3: Is this a day camp or a sleepover type camp? When is he leaving, and for how long?

I am assuming you are an adult or close to it. How much input (if any) do you have on your mom's decision making?

The only advice I can give based on what I know is that you should be careful about confronting him when he looks like he is mad or upset. I would say this in reference to any violent person, not specifically an Aspie. Whether he is in meltdown mode or something else, I would not engage him when angry or upset. Your job is to stay safe. Go into another room and lock the door if you need to. That may seem extreme, but I don't know specifically how much of a threat he is, and you may not have a good idea either, depending on how well you know him. (I do not mean that to be offensive. Please do not take it that way.)

I would also advise that you find out what he finds soothing. If he has any relaxing stim objects (things to spin, or look at, weighted vests etc) and make sure your mom has what is needed in your home,)

It's kind of interesting the way kids are brought up these days. I'm from a country where back talk and sass was countered with a quick blow to the mouth. There was no Children's Protective Service or anyone the child could see for protection. Parents beat their children at will, drawing blood from their face like my father did with me. Consequently, violent outburst were rare. They did happen - I was attacked and bullied, but when I got him off me by pushing a refill pen into his neck, his parents never came to my house for retribution.

It always strikes me as odd that children can caterwaul, shout at their parents and be a general nuisance nowadays. I have a feeling that, if I was raising a kid and he got lippy, pow! Right in the kisser! I'd b hauled off to jail so fast my head would spin.

My heart goes out to parents and siblings who have to deal with antagonistic children in their homes. The large majority of these kids do grow out of their aggression.

This thread seems to have taken a different than I am used to seeing, so I think I'll start with answering the questions.

1) Boys can become more violent in the pre-teen/teen years because, quite simply, hormones are surging. When you combine the increased strength and size with the confusing hormones and general emotional immaturity with an Apsie boy, it can create problems. My preference is to get all those tendencies and stresses dealt with before adolescence, but since that boat is missed, I'll describe the common way we approach violence on this forum.
a) There is usually a source, underlying stress that has been building up, that the child does not know how to mitigate or deal with. While all you see is the one direct trigger, you have to address the whole build up to properly reduce the incidents. It is a detective problem: what is stressing him out that he is pushing down, that is reducing his tolerance levels? It could be any combination of things, including hormones, noise, the changing of homes, issues at school, etc. He doesn't have a system for managing all these stresses and, so, like a two year old, he strikes out. But with a two year old it isn't dangerous. With a 13 year old it is.
b) One thing that stood out at me in your post is that he seems to have trouble with transitions, and isn't getting appropriate help and understanding with that. Better communication, more predictability, and warning/interval systems can help.
c) While working to solve the source, there have to be clear, consistent and predictable consequences that drive home to him how serious the issue is. I don't think they have to punish, but they do have to send a message. My son could always explain away or justify his behavior, and sometimes it was accidental, but the consistent message I wanted to send was that violence is never an appropriate response, and even when you didn't mean to be violent but were, you have to take responsibility for it. I liked time outs for it combined with a fine against his allowance. The time out gives them time to sort their thoughts and calm down, the fine against his allowance was the "we are serious about this" message. Whatever is used, it has to be clearly spelled out ahead of time and not something that will send the child into despair, not something that takes away his special interest, and not something that prevents him from self calming. Since many Aspies use computers either as a special interest or for self-calming, the negative reaction to that being taken away was actually pretty predictable. His parents need to pick wiser.
d) On the staring behavior, I'd just ask him. Don't let him know it freaks you out; just be casual. See if he knows what draws him to do it. You might gain some valuable information during that conversation. But, overall, don't allow yourself to be freaked out by behavior that seems strange to you. His brain is wired differently. He may not "get" why it is a problem.

2) When he is violent you won't be able to talk to him much. At that point all his brain signals are probably jumbled and he is having trouble with self control. Have an agreed protocol beforehand. He should be able to learn to respond appropriately to suggestions like "you need to go to your room and calm yourself down" or "you should jump on your trampoline to calm yourself down." When he is simply reacting negatively you will have to assess how far down the road he is towards loss of self-control to decide if he can be reasoned with. If he has self-control, just talk logically and literally. Aspies rely on logic and are very literal. There is no "you know what I meant" and using metaphors is confusing. Use language precisely and calmly. If he is on the road to losing self-control but not there yet, divert him to a self-calming activity.

3) Simple answer: yes. That and hormones, most likely. His emotional/social maturity and his maturity in other areas probably are pretty disparate. The world is probably pretty confusing for him, and people are probably not making the appropriate allowances for his emotional/social age. There have been, no doubt, hundreds of times he's been told that he knows how to do something or how to act in a situation when he knows full well inside that he does not. People have stopped trying to teach him and have started to demand behavior at a certain level he is not able to reach. That is not to make excuses for any of it, but until everyone around him sees that gap, they won't be able to effectively mitigate the issues. You can't hold someone accountable for things they are not developmentally capable of, it simply cannot work, and it forces the person being challenged into a corner they have no idea how to get out of. I read your post and I saw the description of someone in pain. Unfortunately, now that he is 13, safety for the people around him will have to come ahead of dealing with his needs, but that does not mean his needs cannot be worked on. Hopefully I've written some information you can take to your mom and his dad that might help.

Best of luck.

DW, you are so wise. I find myself here so often with my son.

Aspies are like any other group of people: some are prone to violence, others are peaceful and there is every shade in between; what's more, any individual's level of violence may vary throughout their lifetime. While it is true that there has been a lot of extremely unfair press about violence and autism of late, IMO, it's not appropriate to dismiss an angry 13 year old based on minimal information.

shadow114, a lot of parents here post about violence from their children - in fact, there are several threads collected on the subject in the Parenting Index stickied to the top of this board. You might take a look around there.

One thing I would wonder about - if this behavior is sudden, where did it come from? Is he being bullied at school? (I am wary of hormones as an answer - while they may be a factor, I think they are often less significant than other factors that happen simultaneously in children of that age.) You mentioned that he's not allowed to live with his stepmother - what happened there? Is he reacting to something that happened in your family? Just a change in living arrangements is often enough to really set off a child on the spectrum who is rigid.

For my own son, of the many things we did, one was to create a family contract where we wrote out expressly and exactly what was expected of him. One part of it was that we all agreed (including him) that if he needed to calm down, he was to go to his room - and he needed to go to his room voluntarily right away after we asked him. We practiced this during times when he was calm. If I had it to do over again, I'd set up a reward system so that every time DS went to his room when asked, he got something out of it later. There were a number of other things we did, but giving him time and space to calm down when frustrated was really important.

It does sound like you need the help of a professional. Try to find someone who specializes in autism: we struggled with this issue for years in our family, and with many different professionals, but until we found someone who understood what autism was about, we didn't do very well. Do remember that your brother may have difficulty expressing himself appropriately, but he's still a kid, like any other kid.

Hormones came to mind with me as well. I heard sensory sensitivities increases during teenage years (for some?)
My second thought is with vitamin/mineral deficiencies. Has he been tested for this? Metals toxins?

As for "how do I handle him" .. the best thing you can do is get out of his way. Leave the room. Leave the house. Telling him to stop will only provoke him to continue so keep language down to a 0%. Buy a lock for all bedroom doors (except his). Keep all knives and sharp objects in a locked cabinet. Advise your family members to do so, as well.

Yeah. Normally I would give a different type of advice, but I felt that the advice for a parent and for a sibling are not necessarily the same. I have given parental type advice to siblings who were in effect caretakers, but I do not know what this situation entails and how old the poster is.

I apologize to the OP if it sounded in any way condescending or like I did not answer your question. I just felt like I needed more information to properly advise you.