General Parents Queries

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Firstly, I have only recently been diagnosed (February) and am grateful for the support that I have received and the monetary input from societies aiming to help those, such as I, for their studies.

I'm 18 and from the UK, I love music and film, I love writing, debating and socialising with females and my few male friends.

Okay, so here are the issues:


1

Firstly, I seem to be wrong at almost every point. According to my parents, because they've been alive 30 odd years longer than I, I know absolutely nothing and that leads my opinions into invalidity. I'm not usually aggressive, although - have been known to be at certain points, which are and have never been let go. In my parents eyes they seem to be the norm; the norm that I am completely ignorant and unreasonable - but, likewise with them (a word I seem to be using a lot, recently, is 'likewise') it seems as though any point from my siblings, also, is invalid. My mother completely believes that she is doing what's best for me - and then has a rant at me about how I'm 'so hard to cope with' then complains that her stomach is hurting and starts crying for exactly 1 minute before ranting at me again. Possibly as she realises I don't cope with empathy well and so her feeble excuse for a fake cry (which I pick up on) for positivity is caught out. I'm also overweight, as is the rest of my family, except for my younger brother (15) whom is not only taller, but more athletic and grumpier. I'm pretty content with sitting on my computer all day. So, most things seem to be blamed on me - so I tend to stay in my room (which has changed from a big room with a double bed to a box room with a single as my sister has a broken leg) and play games and make music and watch films all day. Then I have to go to work on Saturday with my dad and wash 30 cars in the blazing heat, draining me of any energy - so that he can order me around and given my position, I am obliged to follow. I then screw my body clock as I get depressed and just play games and entertainment all night until, sometimes, 7 in the morning. My mother isn't open to any suggestion from me, neither is my father, but I will get onto that; she is convinced that my Asperger's isn't 'as bad as I'm making out' which is always her approach to situations. Everyone, including I, his peers and such, believe my brother has Bipolar Disorder - and my mother had none of it and got angry with me. She seems to think she is some medical expert. For example, I hurt my leg recently and wanted to go to the doctors surgery. My mother, being the doctor she isn't, claimed that she knew what was wrong with my foot and that I had to put ice on it and it would be fine. Of course, it wasn't and I limped into the surgery to find that I had a stress fracture - she does a lot of the house work and I understand it can be very stressful, but I have asked her to leave me a list of things to do (as I need some form of structure) and she just doesn't and expects me to do things and complains when I don't do them. I ask her if there's anything she wants me to do and she just says "no, it's fine," probably in fear that I'm incapable of understanding the complexity of the concept of putting washing in the washing machine, whites separate etc. My family seems to be living in a world of hypocrisy and pretentiousness.

2

My Father, I believe, has Asperger's; as does one of his brothers (undiagnosed, both) and my cousin has it but is diagnosed.

I will list all of the things that make me believe my dad has Asperger's, none of these are made up (another thing I have to clarify because of my parents, who seem to think I lie and create stories to emphasise everything):

- He has to plan everything
- Is extremely intelligent
- Very articulate, speaks very formally
- Isn't very social, has very few friends compared to my mum
- Believes everyone is annoying him all the time
- Wants things to be in a certain place at a certain time
- Loves being the controller
- Very stubborn and has a strong opinion
- Remembers roads and maps as if it's in his head - he can remember how to get to a place he's been maybe once briefly perfectly. A walking GPS.
- Very blunt and says some inappropriate things to me and my mum (I don't know about siblings as I don't witness their conversations) like saying 'you're fat and need to lose weight' to both of us, even though he's not thin at all.
- Unable to accept anyone else's opinion
- Very focused
- Traditional values are kept even in situations that beg of modernised ones.
- He knows a lot about computers, is very good with maths and such.
- He knows a lot about EVERYTHING - it's scary how much he knows about a single subject.
- Plays repetitive games a lot for hours and hours; games like bejeweled blitz and candy crush, he can sit there for 6 hours playing.
- He has a very short attention span for some things
- Is very hostile and on edge all the time, never considers that other people deserve to be respected as much as him.


So those are my two main issues, if you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact me and ask, thanks

- Jackson

Dont let them bother you and simply try to go your way, and the result will show, if it works or not. My father thought of me being ret*d, and refused to let me seek a job onw my own, so I could live ony my own, because of me being unable to behave and live as he did, I would be to ret*d to live on my own, because the way he lived his life, was for him the only way, that he thought that I life could be lifed. He even dragged me to skill- and IQ-test to proove me, that I am too dumb and too ret*d for that, and in the end they proofed that I am highly intelligent, I was sent to a technical border school, so that there were no more problems with my father and me about different kind of behavings and living-styles and priorities and now I have my job, I live on my own, and I am independent.

He was absolutly right, that I am too dumb and to ret*d to live my life, the way he does. Luckily I am not him, and can live my own life, so it doesnt matter, that I am not able to live his life.

None of you will know, what you are cabalbe to do, as long as you dont try doing it.

You had a lot there, so it may take a few iterations to get to all of it.

If you are living at home, unfortunately you are stuck with their rules, no matter how illogical or condescending. That is just the reality of it. So, your goal, if you can manage it is to get the heck out. That is probably a long-term goal for you b/c you will have to get work or financial help that enables this. You will also need life skills which your parents don't really seem to be teaching you. So, if you can get into a program, that might be a good option.

In the meantime you are going to have to put up with things. Aside from Saturdays, you seem to have a decent amount of downtime. I would use it to organize a list of things you need to learn to get out, and start learning them. We have written step-by-step instructions for people, on how to do things, before. If you give us, say three, to start off with that you could get away with doing (like maybe washing your own clothing, since your mom doesn't trust you to do the family's) we could help you. Then practice it, in your free time, and gain some confidence.

As far as your dad's aspergers, there is not much you can do than work around it. At his age, and being stubborn, he probably won't accept it.

It's just so much.

I'm sorry. I spent years on an online forum for abuse survivors after my daughter had been abused, and I met a whole bunch of people who had annoying to extremely dangerous parents, and it really really sucks. I want to reassure you that it's not your fault. Being a loving parent has so much to do with their own experiences and with their biological makeup. It doesn't have anything to do with the "lovability" of the kid. People who are wired to be good parents are good parents to kids no matter what the issues. Lots of people who are not wired well for parenting are awful parents even to seemingly amazing kids that would make any other parents very proud.

I think it's a great idea to try to get more independent and get more accomplished. I know it's hard. My son who is almost 12 can't do much of anything that might be considered "important" without help from me, usually in the form of helping him organize and think about what he needs to do and prodding him to get it done. I can't imagine him trying to do things on his own. But maybe you can set up a sort of "imaginary good parent" character in your mind. You can imagine what this person would say to give you good guidance. Maybe even read a parenting book since you haven't had much exposure to supportive parenting. Think of it as a research project. Consider if you had a kid like you, what sort of guidance and support would you give.

As for housework to help out, lots of moms like to take on the role of martyr - "oh I do it all, it is so much, I don't have any help." I would think that if you made yourself a list of a few things that you notice are done in your house and then just did them, that might take her pleasantly by surprise. Maybe not something that she might really prefer be done a certain way, like washing dishes. Maybe something that is more like taking out the garbage.

And another thing you could maybe write down and practice is appropriate responses to blunt statements. Like "That hurts my feelings when you call me fat." Basically for anytime they do something like lecture and cry and rant, if you can say something like "That makes me feel unloved and unsupported", that might help them start to be kinder. This is standard advice for interpersonal communication. Plus often parents see older kids look aloof or annoyed instead of hurt, and that can make it easy for them to just go on and on. If you actually tell them they are hurting your feelings, maybe they will be surprised and will try to make some changes.

Keep hanging around here and keep us posted and good luck.

I understand and will try some of the things you have said - but it gets to the point where her martyrdom includes things such as taking ownership of facilities. What they are basically saying is that I have to pay for the privilege to do these things so I have to work for it. All i do is work work work. Life is work for me. They think I sit around and do nothing, but no; I avoid conflict - I make sure the house is peaceful, and that means removing myself. No one in my family likes me - it has seemed worse since my diagnosis. I thank god that I am hopefully going to University in a couple of months. I don't want to stay here.

I am not sure you mean by your mom taking "ownership of facilities." I am also not sure what type of work they make you do in addition to the car washing, which I would really hate, as I have a massive issue with too much heat, myself.

In any event, if you are going away to university in a couple of moths, that is really good. You will be able to "prove" your ability to live on your own. Depending on where you are going and what financial control your parents will still have over you, you may even be able to stay over breaks and take summer classes, and not come home often.

I am not sure what other advice you need, but I think getting out will be really good for you.

I need more help.

OK, I need more specifics, though. Please explain what specific things you need help with. I will try to help you narrow it down.

When you say you work all the time to avoid conflict by withdrawing and then they do not think you do anything, what does that mean? Do you mean that they bug you about stuff, and you avoid them by going to your room to avoid conflict?

If so, they do not count this as "work." They look at this as you avoiding doing whatever it is that they expect you to do. So, if this is what goes on, it would be helpful if you listed what they are expecting you to do that you cannot do. Then we could either help you learn to do it by giving you a list of steps or help you think of words to explain to them why you cannot do what they ask.

I still do not understand what you mean when you talk about ownership of facilities. Even on the parent board many of us are autistic or have autistic traits so it helps to be clear with us so we can help. I am assuming you mean that they use the "my house, my rules," paradigm and that they expect you to "earn" the rights to use things like game consoles and TV. Is this what you mean?

If they are very inflexible, then you will have a hard time proving to them why you should get to do those things without "earning it." Assuming I am getting your meaning right, what specifically do they say you must earn, and how do they expect you to earn it? This will help us to help you.

I think there are a bunch of variables at work:

1. Your mother probably has her own issues. Parents aren't born perfect, unfortunately.
2. You and your mom at this point in time aren't communicating. Which is actually a very typical mother-daughter issue, that may or may not improve with nothing more than the passage of time. You are predisposed to see things she does in a negative light because that is part of establishing your own identity. Pretty much all moms of teen girls know this, and I remember well the flip side of it as a teen girl myself. I do also think she sounds pretty unreasonable, but it is hard to know exactly how much is perception because of life phase, and how much is reality. So my question/suggestion there is, have you ever tried to talk to her about these things outside of a conflict situation, when you are both relaxed and unpressed, letting her know all the feelings and perceptions you've written here, and asking her how she sees it? My daughter and I have had some success with that; I, for example, didn't realize how hurtful to her some things I see as matter-of-fact are. So, I try harder not to make those observations. But, whether or not that can be successful will depend on if she is trying to do right, and simply failing, v. having some subconscious need for power or to give herself reasons to play martyr. I guess I'd tiptoe into it gently, just in case there turns out to be more of the later than the former; if its the later, all you'd do is end up giving her ammunition.
3. Your mom does not seem to understand, in her core, the ways your ASD makes you different from her. I think many parents don't; there is a lot of conflicting information for them out there and it is difficult to know which advice to listen to.

I guess your dad is probably ASD, too, as you suspect, and I'll leave that aside for now, because it sounds to me like it is your relationship with your mother that really stresses you right now. Going away to university will be a much needed and timely break for both of you, and an opportunity for you to really stretch and learn.

Do note that your parents most likely aren't trying to make you feel wrong at every point, but they do know that 30 years of life does teach you things, and there is probably a lot that they wish they had known earlier, and so hope to give that to you. But, they are forgetting, it doesn't work that way: we learn most of these things by making our own mistakes, not to mention that the world you face isn't exactly like the one they faced, although maybe not as different as youths tend to assume. My kids can be so idealistic, and it worries me, but I try not to engage in "I'm right, your wrong" conversations, just honest debate ... but does it come across that way to them? Probably not. I have to spend time listening to them about how our interactions make them feel, and I'm fortunate that so far they feel they can tell me.

My ASD son also often feels that everything gets blamed on him, and we've had to break down a lot of those situations. Truth is, there are many times when he is in the best position to fix a situation that is escalating out of control, and what I want is for him to learn to see that and act accordingly - but it doesn't absolve the other participant from "blame," its just that I know the other person can't do anything to fix it. sigh. I have to be careful with those situations, and I know it. I don't want him to feel blame, I want him to be interested in doing what he can to make things better simply because he is the one who can. I know it can be a lot to ask, but I do it because I believe in his abilities. Does that make any sense?

I don't know, it just seems like everyone hates me at the moment.

Sorry, that's a crappy feeling. Have you told your parents you feel that way? Do they give you any love and support, in general or if you ask for it?

No they don't. They tell me 'what are you on about?' and 'only in your head' - A constant running theme that comes out of their mouths is 'i don't care'. I just had another argument where they tried to play f*****g victims and I'm sick and tired of it.

If they drive you crazy whenever you are home, maybe you should be home less often. I know that sounds like terrible advice if you tend to be reclusive. A trip to the library where people are apt to leave you in peace, might be beneficial. You could stay there most of the day, and if you have a laptop and your library has Wi Fi, you are good to go.

Why does no one do anything for me? (besides the f*****g basics) Why am I left to do everything myself? why do they put all the load on me whilst my siblings get off scott free? Why am I always depressed and feel like it's all my fault? Why do I feel like s**t when I bring up the Asperger's card and my paretns dismiss it as me talking like crap and 'don't go there again'. Why should they get my respect if they don't respect me?

The last question you ask is the easiest to answer. You do not have to respect them. They may require you to act like you respect them, but you don't actually have to respect them. You have to fake it only if you want or need things from them. Faking it is the price you have to pay to get things you want and need. it is currency.

Why they dump everything on you instead of your siblings? Maybe they view you as the most competent. Maybe they have favorites. It is hard to know without being there. The thing is you cannot make anyone be fair. One of the things that offended me when I was young was that life is unfair. The thing is, it is unfair, and nothing you can do will change this.

If they are in denial about your diagnosis or have decided they want to pretend you don't have one, you can try to convince them, but you will need to understand their psychology and what persuades them. You will have to decide if it is worth the effort, since you will be off to college, soon.

If they don't believe or want to believe you are depressed you will need to get help on your own. you should ask your therapist how best to alleviate it, and you probably can get continued help on campus.

You cannot make people understand you or help you beyond their legal obligations. I don't say that to depress you more, but b/c it is true. It doesn't mean they don't love you in their own challenged way. As was previously said, it just means they have their own flaws and problems, and you will have to rely on yourself.

If they are emotionally damaging to you, I reiterate trying to stay away from home. Then they cannot blame you for what goes on there, and you can get some quiet and peace.