Advice Needed

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This is a sibling issue. My middle child is ADHD/ODD, also very, very social. He is really the odd man out in our family. My husband and I are pretty well described as Hobbits. We like to stay in our comfortable Hobbit hole, have good food, visit family and close friends, and never have any adventures at all. I'd say we both fall into at least the BAP range (I think I would have been diagnosed on the spectrum if I hadn't grown up in the late 80's and early 90's in rural Arkansas). We have the oldest who is HFA, and the youngest who is an Aspie. They make sense to me. I can understand where they are coming from, and just have this natural sense of what they need. The middle kid...dealing with him is like having someone dropped into my house that emotionally/socially only speaks Chinese. Communicating on an emotional level with him is rudimentary at best. It's frustrating to both of us. Comparing him to other kids his age, I don't think he is that bad of a kid, but he is very hard to deal with in the context of this family.

So, onto the sibling issues. This middle kid (he goes by Leatherbroccoli online, so I am going to call him LB from here on) has the idea that he needs to be responsible for the youngest (the Sprout). Only he has all the capabilities of a 12 year old boy in dealing with a young child.

It tends to go something like this all the time, but this is specifically what just happened: LB is bouncing around the house being a nuisance, because he's been cooped up in school all week. I say that since it is the weekend and he hasn't played outside or with his brother all week and he is obviously in need of some outside play, that he ought to take the Sprout with him and go ride his scooter up and down the street. The Sprout isn't old enough to be allowed to ride his bike in the street without his brothers, and it's something they tend to get along well while doing.

The Sprout is at this time, playing a game on the computer. He's the type that you can't just go turn the computer off or have him quit suddenly. That's a guaranteed meltdown and LB knows this. So his response to me telling him they need to go ride bikes/scooters outside is to go pick the Sprout up out of his chair and X out of his game, while the Sprout was in the middle of the level, and then to start turning on some game he wants to play in the name of "I'm going to play this while he gets dressed." Then the Sprout starts screaming like he's being murdered, and hitting LB. LB starts yelling at the Sprout to not hit him and that he needs to not play on the computer so much, and that it isn't his computer anyway that he (LB) can play on it whenever he wants to. (LB got a nice tablet for his birthday and the 11 year old crappy computer was handed down for the Sprout's primary usage). I then have to raise my voice to a yell to be heard over all their screaming (I really hate to yell).

LB's take away from the entire situation is that everyone in this household hates him, he's like Cinderella, the whole world is unfair, etc on the nearly teenage melodrama, but sum it all up to "None of this is my fault! Why does he have to be so autistic?!" The Sprout has to finish his level, now from the beginning, or the rest of the day is going to be at a near meltdown state and obsessing for weeks about how he didn't get to finish the level. I calmly say to him, when you finish that level, you need to go outside to play. He calmly says, "Can I leave the computer on while I go out?" I say yes, he finishes his level and starts putting on his shoes. LB comes back into the room and gives a big speech about how the Sprout is horrible, we like him so much more than LB, and he (LB) doesn't like the Sprout at all, before he finally gets out the door. I have a headache from all the screaming, and the oldest now feels sorry for the Sprout and goes outside to play with him. (And yes, in the middle of all this, the Sprout hit LB and didn't get punished. I know it's not good. I'm just not sure how to punish him in the middle of a meltdown, particularly one directly caused by the guy getting hit. This is part of the ongoing problem.)

(The Sprout does go outside to play everyday while the big boys are at school. That's why when approached calmly, and allowed to finish his level and leave the computer on, he was fine with going out. The thing with involving his brothers is that he adores them, wants to spend time with them, and has a few outside options with them that he doesn't have when it is just him by himself.)

Anyway, this or something similar goes on continuously while LB is at home. He triggers the Sprout into meltdown. The Sprout at some point in the meltdown, hits, kicks, or in some way tries to hurt LB. LB feels horribly mistreated if the Sprout isn't punished for the aggression, (And I lean toward the Sprout's side, in who started it. Was he hitting you before you did that thing that you know results EVERY TIME in him hitting you? No? Well then I'm not feeling very sorry for you.) On the other hand, I can't let the Sprout get away with hitting every time someone aggravates him either.

I've tried a lot of different things with the both of them. Nothing has worked yet. The Sprout is still aggressive and easily triggered and LB is still dead set on triggering as much as possible.

I have kids that are similar. I have a girl that is very motivated by her emotions, and a very rigid mindset as well. She would have ideas such as making a party for all her family because it would be so fun for everyone. I also have children at the 'I'm busy, don't bother me' end as well, with the inevitable storm when the hot and cold fronts hit. With the usual outcome of “She's being bossy” and “They're all being mean to me.” I dealt with it more as increasing awareness and tolerance. They all have their own way of thinking, and with children it can be difficult to explain things that are beyond how they inherently perceive them. For her I would use analogies such as: Your feelings are very powerful with lots of energy. Most people's feelings aren't as powerful as yours, and they just can't keep up with you.

You may be able to explain to your son something like: If you throw a match in a bucket of petrol (gasoline) it bursts into flames. If you throw a match in a bucket of diesel, unless the diesel is already very hot, the match will just go out. Even though they both burn and have energy, and even come from the same place, one has very fast energy and one has very slow energy. That he's like petrol; his energy is very quick. But his brother's energy is very slow. He has to help his brother to change his energy from one thing to another by giving him time to change.

Then when he goes to get his brother to play you can just remind him “Remember, your energy is very fast.”

It doesn't fully happen immediately, but persisting over time, it helps minimise the difficulties between them.

Hope this was helpful.