Social Services

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We went to the special nursery this morning and I think it is a great idea. Sadly little princess couldn't go in to the nursery room due to what we think is chicken pox.
She stayed in a meeting room with a family support worker who she knows.

The fsw spotted a bruise on the little ones forehead which has now gone away ( in a few hours) she explained that the paediatrician will be notified. I said sure ok thinking this was a bit strange.

2 hours later I got a phone call telling me social services is now involved due to the bruise and that she's concerned about her welfare.
Im absolutely shaking and in near tears. I have taken my daughter to every single appointment and have followed through with every thearpy they have given me to do. Yet im having social services.

Anyone have any advice?

It's just one more thing im having to deal with.

Deal with it in an open and graceful and friendly manner-- kids get bruises, heads bruise easily, and any decent social worker will understand that.

Tell them, up front, that you feel the school is being reactionary.

If there's an agency you can file a complaint with, without the school knowing who complained, do it.

Tell the school that, once the matter is closed...

...and then TERMINATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. NEVER GO BACK.

Unfortunately, some educators have this reactionary, suspicious, parent-blaming, gate-keeping, trained-professionals-need-absolute-control attitude...

...and it seems to be even more common in dealing with special-needs kids. Parents with stuff of their own going on-- especially spectrum parents-- also get this kind of ableist crap all too commonly. I'm just waiting for it to happen to me.

Play the act they want of you until this is over-- be grateful and cooperative and submissive, because anything else is going to make you a target for farther bullying. Then, once you're out of their reach, CRUCIFY THEM.

I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. I'm sure it's only giving your significant other more ammunition for "I told you so."

ETA: I'm in the US. I gather from spelling that you're in England or somewhere similar. I don't know how this works in an invasive nanny state-- it's bad enough here. I can only imagine it's even worse over there.

I hope things will work out for you and it doesn't turn into a big deal and you actually have a good social worker. Also make sure you involve your doctors and therapists if you have to for proof and provide medical records if you have to prove your daughter's condition to show you are not doing any abuse. I am sure the pediatrician will be able to tell the difference between accident and abuse and kids get bruises all the time and tell the social services that when he makes his opinion about it.

Is the family support worker associated with the school or with social services?

What I worry about in these situations is not that social services asks questions (that is their job, and it isn't usually a big deal, even though I totally understand how rattling it must feel) but that if you, the parent, is ASD, you might have reactions and communication issues that they misinterpret. For that reason, I would consider involving someone who understands you and your family, to help with the communication issues.

My kids did so many off things in public, and my son as an infant hit his head so often, that I was constantly worried about getting that call. I am really sorry that you have to deal with this.

Do you know how the bruise got there and do you have an adequate explanation for why you would not have called the doctor about it when it first happened? For example, we had a book that told us when to call the doctor, so I would have been able to point to that and note that I had been concerned enough to look it up, if I needed to have a professional check it out, but based on what I had read I had concluded I did not. What I am wondering is if what raised questions for them is not so much that a child got a bruise, but that a child hit their head and no one contacted the pediatrician; most head injuries are on the "call the doctor" list, so you need to differentiate this.

The school is just being precautionary. It is there duty to report anything that might have a hint of abuse (aka bruises) because there are people in the world who abuse their kids. Just talk to social services. They will understand.

I was (and still am) very clumsy. I get bruises all the time and do not know where they came from. When ever I moved to a new school or teacher, or situation it was not uncommon for social services to be called because I had bruises, and when asked about them I would say "I do not know where that came from", which is actually a simi-suspicious answer being a commonly used on by abused children to dismiss the evidence, which they may be ashamed of. My parents weathered it, social services came to know my family and know that I was just a clumsy kid, and most my bruises were in normal "clumsy kid" areas (arms, legs, head). And were not suspicious.

The person who reported probably is not the best trained in what makes some bruises suspicious or not, and just wanted to play it safe. This can be exasperated because spectrum kids do not give off "normal vibes" so some people mistake that for the unsocial behavior abused kids may have.

Develop a relationship with the people at the school and over time this will not happen. Cutting ties with the school will not help anything.

Still seems ridiculous to me-- my kids hit their heads quite a bit (just in the course of play, not even meltdowns or self-harm)-- I don't know, maybe I have really clumsy kids.

The "when-to-call-the-doctor" list that our pediatricians gave me basically went like this: If they're looking dazed and not crying, CALL THE AMBULANCE. If they're yelling their heads off, pick them up and comfort and evaluate them. If there's a cut, assess how much it's bleeding-- but remember than even minor head wounds bleed profusely. Call the doctor only if bleeding doesn't stop within a few minutes, if the wound is large enough to gape or pucker, or if you're not sure you don't see bone. Check their pupils for unusual or uneven dilation-- one to be larger than the other, both to be too large, or one or both to be slow to shrink in response to light; if you see that, CALL THE AMBULANCE. Check for fluid running from the ears; if you see that, CALL THE AMBULANCE. Monitor the kid for a while-- if they seem unusually sluggish or disoriented, CALL THE DOCTOR to have him/her assess them.

If you're really panicking, CALL THE DOCTOR. Not because something's probably wrong, but because no one needs to just sit there and panic. That's a lousy experience for the parent, and tends to eventually feed hypochondria in the kid.

Other than that-- kiss the kid, put a BandAid on the cut, ice the knot, and then give them a kiss and send them back out to play when they're ready.

Of course, I did grow up (and raise most of my kids) in the sticks, where the doctor understood that most people were uninsured and working poor and had to do most of their own extremely basic just-checking level medicine. I suppose the standard for this varies by culture.

Thank God I'm a country girl.

Might be a good idea to have someone there to keep you comfortable and serve as a communication intermediary. Because DW is right-- misunderstandings are all too common, cause the situation to escalate, and generally make unnecessary unpleasantness. And-- I don't know about Britain, but in America, giving disclosure generally doesn't mitigate those problems. Generally it only adds to them. I could hope Britain would be better-- Asperger's has been in the ICD since what, 1982??-- but I sadly somehow imagine that it's actually worse.

You've drawn some unwarranted attention. You're in a bad place and you need to be somewhere else.

It's been my experience that if you are a NT parent you tend to fair better through these processes than if you are ASD, ADHD or any other kind of different. I've seen determinations made by these people that directly defy the science they claim to practice. You tend to face the same problems here as everywhere else. Often the obstacles are so significant that any benefit is outweighed by the problems it causes.

You have stated that your SO is not so accommodating of this avenue for the child. If he is reasonably adapt and assertive, I would be inclined to encourage him to deal with these matters for a while. As far as social services, while the social worker was zealous, they tend to much more severe cases and are generally extremely under funded. If they bother to investigate at all, just do the “white picket fence routine”. Our kind tend to become anxious when accused even if it's not true, instead of just being offended. Don't try to explain anything, if you don't know then just say you don't know.

Once it blows over, without being obvious, make arrangements to move the child outside of the influence of the person/people who are causing problems. If you believe the paediatrician had anything to do with it, I'd be getting another one of those as well.

I don't know what the laws are like where you are, but here the laws around child issues make the authorities a law unto themselves. Even if you could prove them wrong it wont stop them from acting. The department of community services themselves have openly state for the last half dozen years that their practices are inadequate, and they have no idea what they're doing. It hasn't slowed them down any though. It is definitely an avenue of witch hunting. Just don't be near it.

I get the precautionary thing and agree with it, but-- calling over a minor bruise on the head is reactionary foolishness at best, agenda-driven harassment at worst.

You don't need it-- it isn't good for your mental state, and it isn't good for your kid. The same people who do that also tend to overpathologize special-needs kids, and that's TERRIBLE for their development.

Yes-- the white picket fence routine is the way to go with the social worker. Make the place look like a magazine spread and keep it that way until it's over-- not merely clean, but neat and tidy and visually appealing. No toys on the floor, no bills on the counter, no dirty dishes allowed to stand in the sink for any length of time, no getting behind on the laundry.

This is just in case the social worker turns out to be a high-tit b***h, or agenda-driven his/her self (it happens-- rarely, but it happens).

Then-- you figure that they get lots of frivolous calls. They deal with ignorant people; they also deal with people who wish to perform harrassment by social worker in divorce cases (happened to a friend of mine, and I'm cribbing straight from her advice). They know a frivolous call pretty quickly once they meet you.

So you put on your ABA-graduate manners-- mind your tone, volume, and eye contact. You offer said social worker coffee and a donut (or tea and a biscuit, or whatever your cultural thing is). You basically treat them like a formal acquaintance dropping over-- that relative you like but rarely see, or your kid's teacher, or the home therapy aide. Serve 'em lemonade, and level with 'em.

Kids turn up with far worse than a bruise and no one calls the authorities. I don't think it's got anything to do with the kid. The bruise is just an excuse. It's probably more got to do with the relationship between lwolf and the social worker.

Social workers come from the same screwed up mass that every body else comes from. Just because they have a title doesn't mean they've passed a “good person” test.

I'd just take it as a warning sign. The circumstance so far is not that significant. Let it blow over then slip out the side door when no one's watching. Formal positions have the advantage. Their word will be taken before yours, and the authorities in this have no bounds but their own. If you know you've done nothing wrong, just play with some one else instead. It's not fair or right, but it's the way it is and your families welfare comes first.

Thank you for your replies. It's made me feel a lot calmer reading them.I will be back on later to answer them and tell you all what's happening now but little one needs nursery and I have a class to attend. Have to make sure everything looks perfect so they have no more ammunition.
Hope everyone has a good day

Just a reminder - you don't actually have to answer us. If we've managed to put out enough useful information somewhere in those posts for you to move forward, then more information isn't really relevant. Although you are, of course, also free to share and talk simply because you would like to. Or if there are new questions you want to run by us, that might require us having all the accurate background.

And so on.

I had to deal with social services for a long time after one of mine hit the other one with a Dancing Debbie doll and left a bruise. I explained about it, even the child told what happened, and I had taken the doll away and put it up. Once they get involved you can't ever get away from them it seems. Best advice I can give is to be nice to them and cooperate, even when they seem insane. I wasn't nice and it got me nothing but trouble.