What is best for the children?

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I am having problems. And to make my story incredibly short as not to bore you ... I will state that my wife of 14 years divorced me for a friend and coach at my Brazilian jiujitsu gym of 6 years and are now married less than 1 year after the divorce date. During the course of an argument I splashed her with a small amount of water and was arrested for it. Along with the water arrest came a restraining order for my ex-wife and a protection order barring me from seeing my two children. Jake 12 ( Aspie) and Zac 7 (NT)

Not that I am able to make contact with any of my ex family my mother still tries to see her grand children ..... This came to an abrupt end yesterday when my ex sent her this text ...

"Because of how you have treated me and how you have not taken my concerns seriously and even threatened to sue me and take me to court, I do not feel comfortable with you seeing the boys at this time. Your emailing my mom and saying you will come see them is I don't reply, only makes me feel more certain of my decision at this time. The boys are do better than ever. If you want to earn my trust feel free to do so through mailing the boys using my parents address. Otherwise please discontinue the emails and calls. Thank You."


now .... I sit here with my mother in tears because she cant see her grandchildren (for something I had done) and me wondering


What is best for the children?

1) The orders end next year in April .. and I cold attempt to see the kids on the schedule that my X had created.

2) I could petition the court to see my kids even more.

3) I could abide by my Ex's wishes and simply not try to see my kids.

What do you do when someone hates you so much that they email all your Facebook friends that you are a sociopath and a pedophile. Someone who has called your employer trying to get you fired. She has said so many hateful comments to me ...

I am concerned that if I force her to let me see my kids that someone how she will put the kids in the middle of it and the person hurt in the end will be my boys.

What to do?

http://rollingpandaart.blogspot.com/201 ... -kids.html

The kids need to have a relation with you. If you don't they will hate and resent you because they will think you abandoned them. They will believe whatever lies their mother tells them because your lack of presence provides the proof. You should never call her a liar, but you can defend yourself and say, "No, that is not true, and one day I will explain everything to you but now is not the time." End of story. If you don't have a chance to do that, they will create worse stories in their heads. They will have trouble raising their own kids because they will think fathers abandon their children. You need to be there for your kids. Go to court pro se, see if they can appoint legal representation for you if you can't afford it, and make sure you NEVER SHOW that you are out of control of yourself EVER.

She has already put the kids in the middle and is controlling what they think of you. I would say to fight like heck to get as much face time as you can. Your ex-wife thinks that she is in control and everyone needs to dance to her tune. It would be worth getting a good attorney to force access to your kids.

What is best for the children? A stable home environment.

My advice, from experience: Think "Long-Term Goals". Keep in contact with the children, but minimize your physical presence until they become legal adults. At that time, you can visit them freely and alone without any interference from your ex. You can also speak to them as adults and explain everything from your point of view while being on your best behavior.

It is likely that your ex is already trying to "demonize" you to them, and your presence will actually make it easier for her to do so.

"Your father was 30 seconds late to pick you up! How could he do this to you? Doesn't he love you?" ... et cetera ... (While she is doing this, you are obviously becoming more and more upset, and anything you say or do in response will only serve her purposes.)

In the meantime, work on improving your own situation. Take classes, earn a degree, develop a hobby, and just generally become more interesting. Once your children are old enough to see for themselves that you are not the "demon" that their mother tried to make you out to be, they will be more likely to want to be around you.

They will also begin to wonder if everything their mother said was a lie, and not just the things she said about you.

Not being around is also going to be a problem, where she could say, "See, he can call you on the phone but not make time to see you!"

Being tangentially in touch with the kids is going to be problematic where the kids will ask why can't he visit? What would OP say then? Excuses will not suffice. He has to show up, no matter how ugly it is. Period.

Most importantly, being there IN PERSON helps create memories. What kind of memories would a kid have WITH his father if they can't really ever see, feel or hug each other? They need to share real life experiences.

This is what I told them: "Because your mother and her boyfriend told me that if I did not do as they say, they would accuse me of child sexual abuse. Then I would lose my job, go to jail, and not be allowed to ever come near you."


What kind of memories will the kids have of their father if the mother is always trying to provoke him into a confrontation? What if she actually succeeds? Their memories will likely include how their daddy was taken away in handcuffs.


"SHOULD"? According to my divorce decree, the court only "allowed" me to have visitation - it was not mandatory. My ex also moved with the kids to the other side of the state, so as to make it extremely difficult for me to see them at any time other that the times that she said I could see them. Roughly half the time, she would change her mind before I arrived and give me some lame excuse as to why they couldn't come with me (ie, napping, homework, cleaning their rooms, et cetera). Then she would tell them that I hadn't shown up.

So here's what I did instead of playing her game: After her boyfriend got me fired and blacklisted, I made sure that the kids were safe, healthy, and being taken care of, then I joined the military. Ten years later, I sat down with them and showed them all of the paperwork. After they'd read through everything, we all learned the following things about "Mommy Dearest":

Their mother had told them that I'd never made support payments. I showed them that I had paid enough money in "Child Support" to buy each of them a new car on their 18th birthdays.

Their mother had said that she had lost my address and did not know how to find me. I showed them the letters my commanding officers had written to Child Services to inquire into my children's welfare, and the letters my ex sent back saying "all is well".

Also, even though I wrote to my children once a month (or more), they never received any of my letters. The gifts that I sent were re-package by their mother as if they had come from her and her husband. I showed them the receipts and photographs of the gifts, and they remembered each one. (The receipts and photos were in case the shipments got lost in overseas transit.)

The long-distance overseas Autovon phone calls I made to them on their birthdays and holidays were put on hold or "accidentally" disconnected.

Yeah, I know exactly how ugly it gets, so don't even try to preach to me.

This is why all those things have to be documented, documented, documented, and taken to a lawyer to preempt that strike.



This is definitely a risk, but as long as there is a documented history and a lawyer involved, this scenario becomes less likely.



No, visitation is not mandatory. I didn't use the word "should" in a legal sense, but in an imperative sense, that even the attempt, no matter how futile, shows the children that at least you TRIED. Those very scenarios of her impeding visitation are actionable. Visitation is in fact your legal right as a parent.

Also, courts are becoming more privy and sensitive to parental alienation. It is a very serious matter and a lawyer would be able to easily document this. It sounds as if your kids went through this a long time ago, when the laws were still automatically bent in the mother's favor. It is not so much the case now in many jurisdictions.



I'm really sorry you and your kids went through all of that. My husband went through an ugly protracted custody case (I was witness to 3 years of it) and I had another ex-boyfriend who was in the midst of an ugly divorce when I met him (with him through 3 years of it), and yes, those women tried many of those tactics. Some succeeded, many didn't. My husband has custody of my stepdaughter, despite the fact that the child's mother is a successful physician. This wouldn't have been heard of 10, much less 20, years ago. But the laws are changing, and that is why it is not a good idea to give up so easily!

How is the relationship with your kids now? And what about their relationship with their mother?