Trying to understand my parents

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After having discovered aspergers I realsied that both of my parents have alot*of traits. The primary one is rigidity. Years ago I spent hours obsessing over why my parents seemed to hate me and torment me. Every hour of every day at home was spent in moderate to severe anxiety anad this went on for 6+ years and has returned now that im forcd to be home at christmas.

The underlying issue is that were all very cognitively rigid. My parents enforce rules which have no functional purpose. These are often things like banning me from washing my hands (I have OCD). Noreason is given and any arguments on the subject degenerate into circular reasoning and unrelated accusations.

This made no sense to me until I discovered aspergers and I now see that they are just as cognitively rigid as me. They also cannot stand changes to routines which have become entrenched. The combination is utterly deadly and I feel lead to alot of the agonies I went through at home. It doesnt explain everything by any means but it allows me to see things from their point of view a little better. I realise that they may well be going through something similar or perhaps even the same as me when confronted with things which disrupt their routines.

What can I do to work through this?

you can relate anything to anything one way or the other. they are both neurological disorders as far as I know, however aspies seem to have a better realization, and understanding of self. ocd sufferers change there apperance and additudes to suit others, and tend to loose the reality of self. there is less anxiety when we do what we want. when I am seriously into something, I dont want to be bothered, and I am at peace. we have routines, but it usually changes when we find or make something better. we do not bounce around like people with ocd, and are much more logical. psychiatry nowadays say that everyone is born narcissistic, and you learn your way out of it. It may be wrong, but from what I have read, ocd is born more like sociopathic. I have worked with ocd and it is usually less difficult than people working with aspies. people with ocd tend to be better at relationships, social skills, and keeping jobs. all the dark thoughts, and making things up that arent true (like frequently washing your hands because of all those germs that you probably need for a healthy immune system, and don't need to worry about unless it enters an orifice into your body intead of your hands, also knowing that most of them are airborne, and or need moisture to survive, instead of just magically collecting on your hands all the time because you cannot seem to stop touching everything you come into contact with.) stuff like that is pritty much beneath us you see.

The main complaints that you seem to have about your parents are 1) they are too stuck with their specific rules and routines and 2) their rules make no sense. These can certainly be attributed to OCD or AS, but they are also the kinds of complaints that most teenagers have about their parents at some point. In either case, my advice is the same; you can't fix your parents, so try to accept their quirks and live with them, although of course you can explain to them when and how they are hurting you. If it's really bad, you may want to seek some professional help for yourself (just to help you through it), or just some social support from a teacher, coach, or friend. Maybe as you become more independent, you can have more adult-adult conversations with them, and explain to them what bothered you about this time. I know this time in a person's life can seem horrible, and like things will always stay that way, but it changes pretty drastically pretty quick. You just have to hang in there.
Good luck!

As long as you are not washing them to the point where they dry out and crack (and are more likely to cause infections through bacteria getting through the cracked skin) to me it is whether it bothers YOU that you feel compelled to wash them so much. They were probably advised to stop you from doing that when you were a child, but in my mind as an adult it is your business even if you live there on school breaks. Bodily integrity isn't a "my house--my rules" kind of thing, in my mind.

Are they logical in the sense of being able to argue points with them? The only thing I can think of is just saying something like, "Yes, I know it is a manifestation of OCD, and I am OK with it. It is not causing me discomfort or illness, and It is my decision when I want to wash my hands." They probably think they are "helping" you, but if it comes down to it and you tell them that their complaining and nagging is worse than the OCD, maybe they will understand they should lay off.

(Or pigs will fly, but I still think it is is worth the effort--so they do not think they can run your life in perpetuity)

didn't notice the washing hands thing...yeah, what your parents may be trying to do is actually a misguided version of the best known treatment for OCD - Exposure and Response Prevention http://www.alexianbrothershealth.org/ab ... prevention

Basically it's all about learning to cope with your anxiety by not giving into your obsessions or compulsions. The trick is, the longer you engage in OCD behaviors, the more difficult it becomes to kick them. So your parents may intuitively be trying to help you. As a teen, you are in a perfect position to kick OCD habits and keep them out of your future life. I don't know how intrusive your obsessions or compulsions are, but if they cause you any problems, I recommend reading up on it, and potentially seeing a therapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy.

My therapy was suspended while I wait for my diagnosis assessment unfortunately. My parents were just annoyed that I was using up their water however. Ive spoken to them about how ive struggled. When I told my mum that it takes me hours to shower because I end up having to start over if I touch the door or the walls she simply said "well you have time". She totally missed the point that its emotionally very painful to spend hours showering not out of choice but because you're forced to as a result of a torturous mental condition. Things like this make me think that my parents have alot of autistic traits. My uncle has suspected aspergers and a cousin on my dad's side has been diagnosed ADHD so the gene pool has dispersed traits.

My mum is also fond of saying "there's nothing wrong with you". Ive told her that this is very very distressing becausde it says "I dont acknoweldge any of your feelings or emotions".

How are you with wipes? It will be different from the ritual part of the OCD routine, but it will clean your hands and not waste water, if they have a big issue with that. I do not know if you can manage that, but if you can it might be a way to get them to chill out a little.

It sounds like your mom is trying to get it. If it bothers you, you should definitely try to go back on therapy for it, when you have your diagnostics hashed out. (It was hard to tell how bad your OCD was, and also I don't like suggesting people get help for something unless they say it bothers them.)

They may very well have AS or aspects of it, which will make it harder for them when your internal rules do not match theirs.

How to work through it is going to depend on how receptive your parents are to listening, at least. If they are willing to listen, it may still be hard if your communications are not in synch.

In general, if you do not act accusatory or trigger their defenses, people on the spectrum can be pretty logical. So, I would try to focus on logic, and just spell out the theory of mind stuff. "I know you have a completely different way of looking at this but this is how I feel..." "I am set in my ways and you guys have you own way of doing things. Let me explain why I ..." That kind of thing.

Interesting prospect. I think it's funny-but I'm understanding too.
My parents say there's nothing wrong with me in relation to my austim. When I told them I'm a loner, they tell me nobody will ever want to be with me- that I'm pushing all of them away.

And I wonder if my mom has OCD in relation to her hair. She blowdrys it and straightens it everday. That's not waht bother's me- it's the fact that's she insisting on me doing it all the time!

But she can't force me to value what I don't value.

I hope you can talk with your parents- but if you can't, you're kina like me. I can't have a discussion.
You may be right about the autism- but you may be wrong. They may just be abusing you.

I think a lot of older people (35+) only realize they're on the spectrum when their kids get diagnosed. From observation of other autism mums and dads at clinic and speech therapy, there's a lot of genetics in play. Saying that, they've built lives for themselves and you can too when you leave home, they're not going to change at their age and they're probably doing the best they can by you.