Help with Aggression/Hitting in 3 yo Aspie

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My Aspie boy has always been the gentlest, sweetest kid until he started preschool this past fall. Now we are having gigantic problems with hitting and aggression towards the teachers and other kids. We are at a loss as to what to do.
Often the hitting is unprovoked- today he just walked up to one his teachers and slammed her face sideways into a shelf giving her a bloody nose Sometimes it is when someone tells him "no" he can't do something or tells him to do something or when someone physically (and gently) tries to lead him somewhere etc. With the other kids it's the usual things (someone takes his toy or gets too close) and also just unprovoked.
Trying to talk to him about it has seemed to make things worse. He has memorized (as usual) all the things people have said to him "we use gentle touches" "we don't hit" etc. and often SAYS these things before hitting! Or hits more when you do say it! Positive reinforcement of appropriate behaviour and touching is not seeming to get us anywhere. Constantly removing him from play and other kids (time outs) when he gets aggressive so he can connect the consequence also not working.

It's getting to the point where they are trying to start the process of having us withdraw him from school! This is THE best school for him- we live abroad and this school program is really the only one that will fit his needs where we live. If he gets kicked out, that's it for preschool. I really want him to continue or I don't thing he will be ready for kindergarten next year. I feel like it's his last chance for school given our circumstance of living abroad. If we don't get this aggressive behaviour sorted out I'll have to homeschool him - and it might turn out that that's what he needs. But it wouldn't be the best thing for me or our family.

Anyway- any ideas on how to deal with this aggression and behaviour? How do I get through to him? I feel so lost- nothing is helping!! ! What has worked for you if you've ever had this problem with a young one? I am open to trying anything!

Hi

Im sorry to hear your going through this with your son. How verbal is he? Is there a possibility of just asking him what's going on. My daughter is 3 also and we went through a period of her biting people and kicking them if she was stopped from doing something sge wanted to do. The calming bean bag worked for us. It wasn't a punishment but rather a relaxing space away from other's. She was told to stay on the beanbag for 3 minutes and calm down. This didn't work at first and made her more upset but after 2 months of us being consistent she goes to the beanbag and gets a cuddle when her time is up.

Does he react violently at home or just at nursery? It could be that nursery is just too much stimulation for him and he can't control his reaction to it.

Best of luck with him and the preschool

3 is tough b/c he will have a very limited ability to help you sort this out. People here use a 30% rule to describe how delayed an autistic child might be emotionally, but it varies. He may be developmentally like a 2 year old (emotionally) or even younger. Do you know if there are any laws where you are that give you and your child any rights in terms of having some equivalent of an functional behavioral analysis done? (If it is a private placement I am guessing not--but I do not know) I do not know how effective that would even be at his age b/c I think the younger the child the harder it is to isolate causes. Do you have access to an occupational therapist or someone who could observe what is going on from a sensory standpoint?

Are there any obvious sensory, schedule transitions/disruptions that might be adding to it? Is there a way that his environment might be tweaked? Would an aide help? Would they give him one? If they are trying to counsel you out, and if there are no laws protecting you, I do not know how persuasive you would need to be to get them to want to help.

That is all I have for now.

He does this behaviour at home as well.
The thing about it, is it's not really "violent" - his hits are quite soft, more like taps or light slaps- the only time he hurts is by accident. The only time he has actually HURT a child at school is when his hit/push put them off balance and they fell. I know that doesn't make it less serious- it is still a hazard for other children. But he is not an angry or aggressive kid- he is quite lovable and happy. One of his teachers is really trying to paint things in a light that makes him sound violent and angry and aggressive because she is upset he is ruining their harmonious environment and making her job harder- but I know (and really, I'm not just being a defensive parent) that that is really not how my kid is.
Anyway- I've put more thought into it and I think it is kind of attention seeking. Thinking about it in ABA terms there is a trigger (I don't know if it sensory, I think it's more emotional) and also a reinforcement- he is seeking the attention that he gets afterwards or enjoys the reaction or excitement or change it causes. I don't know. But he is NOT hitting out of anger or violent feelings, this I am sure of.
Another thing- we took him off his GFCF diet a couple of months ago (we thought it wasn't effective and he was losing weight) and this behaviour suddenly started along with some other things increasing in intensity- stimming, poor eye contact etc. We are putting him back on it straight away and will have to just find something that he will eat.

They don't allow aides at his school, and we couldn't afford one (would have to pay). We are going in to see if we can have some kind behaviour analysis done or SOMETHING done. He is not in any kind of therapy right now- he was doing so well a few months ago.

I need this problem solved. I wish I could get through to my son and have him understand- it's not funny to hit, the reaction or whatever he is wanting is not worth the cost of how this will affect his life! I know, I know... if only.

This teacher really has it in for my son. I don't want him forever labeled as a "violent and aggressive autistic boy"- it's not true.

You know I was wondering that exactly. This is the teacher that has it in for my son. No one else witnessed this incident and when I saw the teacher that day she looked completely fine. None of the other teachers have reported any serious injuries or incidents like this. And like I said my sons hits and pushes are really not strong. To be honest and I hate to say this but I think she made this up. The other teachers seem to have a more positive disposition towards my son. Whereas this teacher just seems beyond her limit of patience. She probably shouldn't be working with young children and especially not children like my son.

I have observed my son's behavior in the classroom and it is like I said his hits and pushes are very light and he does not do it out of anger and it is not very violent. And no she's not threatened any legal action or any other action. Which is another reason why I think she made this up. It's all very disturbing and stressful.

Does he have trouble with gentleness when doing things like petting a cat or playing with toys? If so, is it possible it's linked to him being bad at measuring how much force or pressure is needed, so what might be an attempt at touch becomes a shove?

Another thought that comes to mind is that he might be misinterpreting how he sees other children, teens, or adults playing or wrestling. To him, it might all look like just going up to someone and applying physical force.

Just throwing out some ideas.

My son is THE SAME. He hits, pushes, but at the same time he's laughing... Here's what I've been trying..
1. teaching him the difference of soft and hard (i put objects in a box and he pulls it out and tells me what's hard and what's soft)
2. giving him many opportunities to be "nice" to his brother and sister (kissing, hugging, handing out food)m, then - plenty of compliments...
3. taking him everywhere I go and forcing and supervising every interaction. I reguide him all the time... teaching him how to initiate conversations instead of just pushing a kid when they get too close...

hope this helps... pls share any techniques that have worked!!

This might not be a popular approach, but our son is 4 and we've been naughty stepping him since he was 2. We're zero tolerance with any hitting/kicking/biting anything physical, even little taps as we want him to know its not okay. He went through a biting phase at 2 which triggered the whole thing, but got over that pretty quickly. He's not very verbal so we've had to be extra strict and immediate in pretty much punishing him whenever he does something inappropriate. This will initially be painful for everyone, but was worth it for us. All kids are different but ours likes very clear boundaries.