Guilt...Guilt...Guilt

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As the single mother of a 16 year old with Asperger's Syndrome, I have been dealing with total guilt which seems to want to consume me as of late. My son is an extremely wonderful boy, but deals with such trials and tribulations on a daily basis, and has for as far back as I can recall. I feel guilty that I cannot make things easier for him. He's always handled things more easily than I, because of his Asperger's...which I am so thankful for. I am concerned for his future and what I will be able to provide, i.e. money for college, etc. His father has not been a big part of his life, as he resides in CA. My long-term significant other tries to do things with him, of which he prefers to be left alone...as is the case with him most of the time. He so enjoys his quiet "alone" time. I think it's great, because we all enjoy that periodically. My guilt goes back to his birth. I have read that difficulties during and at birth can cause AS, or symptoms thereof. I had an extremely difficult birth with him...and I wonder were there things I could have done that would have/could have given him an easier birth (which could have given him an easier life)? He has excelled in school all these years and I am so very proud of him, and tell him so almost on a daily basis. But he has always dealt with such difficulties, such as being mercilessly picked on...although he's come to deal with it in such a way, it's difficult to explain. Maybe it's that part of him that appears to not care, although I know he does. He says he is quite satisfied to be a "loner", but then will say "I have no friends"...and it breaks my heart. I explain that it's by his choosing that he has no friends, and that all he'd have to do is go out there and get those friends...then he says no, that's okay. I have attempted quite a few times to have him peruse this web site, but he says no...he likes it just fine on his FanFiction.net, where he actually writes stories under the author name of hellfire64. He's quite the writer too, and it all deals with games and their characters. My son is 16 but is still quite immature. He's still not into girls or anything of that sort...which is fine with me. I told him he'd know when he's ready, and not to worry about it. I also feel guilty because of annoying little habits he's got, such as his need to have an ink pen in his hands at all times, flapping his hands together...and he paces alot. They're all indicative of his syndrome, I know...and I wouldn't have him any other way, honestly I wouldn't. But I feel so guilty at getting somewhat aggravated...sometimes I don't know how to deal with the guilt. I don't mean for this to sound like "poor little me" ... but how do some of you other parents deal with similar situations and the guilt? I love my boy more than anything in this world and have always been there for him, and there's nothing I wouldn't give to help him have an easier life (past, present and future). I guess I was just hoping to have some input from individuals who might possibly be dealing with the same issues and I do. Thanks for listening...

why don't you just put up with him for the few years, most likely, shouldn't be more than one more decade, and then he's gone from you most of the time, he'll be on his own, somewhere, with someone, or some bodies. Just as it is a pain in the ass living with the neurotypical people of this world (from my aspie perspective), we all have to put up with your ways, won't be too much longer, hopefully, i have nearly no room to speak, I am 17, and it looks like there is no hope for me to have a future career, or even to consider going to college, I've given up, being around you people all day everyday, all our lives, really does make us not want to try things and be with people. Can't do a single thing about it.
What should feel GUILTY about is not allowing your son to live his life without your useless attempts of interventions, and distractions, try letting him be, and he will get along much easier, There will always be people, his whole life to give him problems with life, so try just leaving him be in peace.
We DO NOT handle things easier, b*llshit, ok. We see and feel all the same feelings, emotions and things as you....well, sorry yeah we do take things easier HALF the time, Ill say, the other half is living hell.

Wow. SilentJohn that was a bit uncalled for.

No need to be so aggressive.


All people mess it up from time to time...NT's...even (dare I say it) aspies!

I'm sorry that I don't have an easy answer on the guilt issue.

I'm an aspie with an autie.

I knew that I was weird and I married a weird guy...and we had a weird baby.

Your difficult childbirth probably didn't have much to do with your child's Asperger's syndrome and there is no point in feeling guilty about that.

He probably does experience awkwardness and bad feelings---but I understand that even NT kids feel this way.

As far as "going out and making friends"----It definitely is NOT as easy as you think...in fact it is damn near impossible for many aspies. We don't get many social cues, tend to carry on and on about crap no one else cares about, don't particularly care for eye contact, and tend to be extremely blunt. He can't just go introduce himself to people the way that you would, because that may have an equivalent feeling to sticking your hand in a bed of fireants...Most painful and usually COMPLETELY avoidable.

Life is what you make of it. If your kid seems happy to carry a pen and hang out in his room, as long as he's safe---then there is no reason to feel guilty. Schedule time with him to have family time. Make contact with him and offer to hear any issues that he may be willing to share.

You know, all of the regular parent stuff.

Aspie or not, he's a teenager...they're all pretty weird and tend to withdraw from family during this time anyway as a healthy mechanism to get them out of your house.

Good luck! I hope that a parent of a teenaged Aspie responds to this for you! I'm just an aspie parent of a young autie.

Wow, pretty hard-hitting SilentJohn. Don't think that I deserved that attack. You're pretty angry. You know, when I posted my topic, I sure didn't expect to be attacked the way you did. Gee, I was just trying to get a little input from people that might have a little positive input on how I can better deal with my son growing up. As for some of your remarks, you know nothing of the way we live. My son's quite happy and content...my issues were mainly with me...that's why I asked for input from PARENTS of teenage kids. You should think long and hard before you attack innocent people asking innocent questions asking for innocent answers.

And thank you Agent79 for your input. I really appreciate it and wish you the best of luck with yours.

i am sorry

Guilt....I thought that was the birthright of all GOOD parents.It's the ones who never question if they have made mistakes or could make improvements who should feel guilty....not the ones who make occasional mistakes and are willing to self examine.You love your son,that is obvious.That is the best thing you can offer and have offered him.Every child gets on the nerves of every parent and vice-versa.....tiss the nature of such a close bond.

It is too bad that your son doesnt want to visit us...to see the good and bad times.I have found it very helpful.Other aspies here have said that when they first found out about their DX,they were not interested in learning any more about it but later developed an interest,so this could change for him.In the mean time....just keep loving him.It goes a long way and like oxygen,you dont realize how important it is until you dont have any.The only other concrete advice I could give is keeping learning about AS and how we think/feel,and how it relates to your son(since there is so much diversity,some things wont apply to him)It would have been so nice growing up,if my parents had understood my perspective.They didnt know about AS and assumed I was lieing,manipulating,selfish,defient,disrespectful.I could not have tried any harder to be "good" and still maintain my self identity(it was obvious,they hated my"self", because they were always trying to change it).If he struggles with anything that "he" wishes to change....see if school offers any social skills classes or a psych that specializes in AS(None of those nutty Fruedians,,,they are death to aspies with their illogical "voodoo")

I definitely feel like whatever I am is a noticeable improvement on the "standard" model of humanity, so whatever my mother did to make me the way I am, at least part of it was something right, perhaps more right than she knew.

The trouble with the idea of a syndrome, as I think I've mentioned here before, is the tendency to see something negative about having it, that requires something negative to have happened to the person. Enhanced intelligence seems to be part of this package, and that is not negative. A tendency to see violence as something other than a one-size-fits-all solution for sticky problems is another mark. Intolerance of "society" just comes naturally to people who have a brain that can see reality clearly. A lot of things that may be seen as negatives aren't.

I so agree with Krex. Good parents feel guilty sometimes. But don't let it eat you up. Aspergers and autism is often mostly genetic. As parents, we do our best and try our hardest. We make mistakes, but dwelling on the past won't do you any good! It is not about being a perfect parent, it's about doing your best.

Being made to feel bad about what is wrong with a child is bad when the parents had nothing to do with the problem, and it isn't really useful when the parents did cause the problems. In the latter case the way people act about it doesn't leave a place where the parents can try to correct their actions without being labeled as criminals or something.

It is even more maddening to be made to feel bad about what is right with the child, and this often goes side by side with being made to not see what is right with the child. The parent affected may see what is right as something wrong, or not see the good child that is there.

I remember one test that I took that I guess said that I had an IQ of about 87, though it wasn't considered an official IQ test. I was around 10 years old at the time and this one teacher who sort of liked me and sort of helped me (emphasis on sort of, he wasn't a bad sort I guess), tried to insist that this proved that I wasn't smart. He was telling this tripe to a child who had been reading at college level for at least two years and who had taught himself (because how else would I have learned it?) how to read on that level. I had taken actual college level texts on stellar physics, read them, and understood them so well that my mother banned me from the college library until such time as she could no longer stop me.

There is a lot to be told from the perspective of someone who has been through this mill. Somehow my life devolved to being totally locked out of what my potential could have lead me to.

What my mother couldn't give to help me, and won't give to this day, is the release from her control. It sounds pathetic, but there still doesn't seem to be a way to disconnect myself from her or my past enough to go my own way. I'm learning what it means when an ASD person places his hand on his forehead, props that arm up with the other hand, and rocks. He is trying to bring his physiological and mental processes into harmony so that he can control what goes on inside his head. He is trying to release himself from outside control, from the control exerted by people who throw things at him instead of relating to him the way that he is.

guilt, i know it well. i feel guilty for feeling guilty, but that's just the way it is...

i think too as far as dealing with guilt you have to think about the good in your son and in you..... it isnt all about annoying things or hard times.... there are great characteristics too ...... in both of you.....annnd i dont care how many impatient thoughts or even mistakes i makes there has to be something thats said for the love i have for my child.... I am only just starting this journey(my son is five)... but I am slowly learning to take one day at a time and every day i think of and speak out all the positives that happened and I am slowly learning that if he seems content and happy then I am doing ok..... for now.... there may be an issue i think he needs to deal with but if i am doing my all and he just doesnt want to deal then sometimes my all means stepping back from what i feel i should be doing..... The main thing is you try and love..... Love conquers all .... i believe that it is a strong enough force to heal any hurts my son may go through love and a whole lot of prayer ..... if he is surrounded by love as much as he can be... of course i know its kind of hard for me to relate because mine is only five....but yep i know the guilt issue and am holding my breath till they actually find a reason why for sure.....

Teenagers are a tough crowd to begin with - and believe me I've cornered the market on guilt!

I've been on several sites where polls were done about the childbirth of the child with AS, and it was all across the board from snoringly normal to high risk full fanfare. No one knows.

My DS was dx'd at age 10 and felt that I'd missed some golden opportunities along the way for interventions. Many adult auties I've chatted with however felt that more interventions would have been worse, rather than better.

Getting friends is not a walk in the park. My son thinks a kid is his friend if he talks to him, not realizing the kid is being sarcastic, or worse yet setting him up to be beat up. He's lucky to have one, true friend. Your son may or may not find that, now or later.

Stop pushing. If his stims annoy you, go in another room or look the other way - he needs them like you need air.

He'll be alright. He'll be who he can be.

I hope I didn't drive SueJ away. I'm not sure that I was that appropriate.

The schools often frighten and coerce parents into false belief systems about their children. I suppose that some guilt may be appropriate on the part of such a parent, but the parent didn't want it that way, didn't deserve the guilt, and the guilt itself is a problem, a mental trap. It makes it hard for the parent to see what to do, and it makes it hard to fight the school system when they choose, as they often will, to behave inappropriately. By inappropriately I mean destructively and unlawfully.

I can't thank you all enough for the input. That's exactly what I was hoping for were comments from other parents dealing with the same types of issues. Your comments are invaluable...I only wish I'd done this a long time ago. Please continue to submit more!

I pray everyday for my son...and I love him more than words can say. But just knowing that he's not alone with this syndrome...and hearing your words, have inspired me as you could never imagine. I will continue to pursue more information through this website as well as other informational techniques to obtain more knowledge in hopes of giving him the best opportunities possible.

I do truly thank you all...even you, SilentJohn, for you allowed me to see and understand my son's anger sometimes. Thank you for the apology though. I pray that you can learn how to deal with that anger though, as I do for my son and his anger. Of course we all have anger issues, even I don't know how to deal with them all that well sometimes. But I try not to lash out at others...that's first and foremost.

And believe it or not, I almost have my son convinced to check this site out...I wish he would, because I have gained so much from just reading all the chat forums.

Anyway, thanks again to all! God bless you all for your help. And don't stop contributing, please!

Hi everyone, Speaking as a mother with an 11 year old daughter with severe learning difficulties and autistic tendencies and a son who is awaiting confirmation of aspergers I think some level of guilt is normal, it has to be, whether justified or not.
I know for me its not guilt that eats me up but seeing my children constantly rejected by society as idiots freaks,etc.
Hopefully though it breaks my heart to see my children upset in that way, they are learning a valuable lesson from it.
I always tell them you are 100% priceless, you are loved and respected for who you are, it does not matter what someone who does not know you thinks, as long as they know their own self worth it matters nothing what someone with their own issues to deal with thinks.
I think this is possibly one of the most important gifts we can give to our precious children.
Cos each and every single one is very special in their own way.