10yo increasing isolation and socially induced meltdowns

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My 10year old daughter with AS has been doing well, or so I thought. While trying to make things easier on her and avoid meltdowns at all costs, our world has shrunk and shrunk until now we are somewhat shut ins and socially isolated. She goes to a small school and so she is around other children 6 hours a day 4 days a week and half day on Fridays. Other than those times she prefers to be alone-or alone with me. While this strategy has taken our lives/homes from tumultuous meltdowns to relatively calm and peaceful, it was difficult for me to see the end result of this. Now, it seems my daughter cannot bear any social interaction without a meltdown. This was painfully apparent this holiday when we had to be around others a few times.

Her normally calm, rational self becomes almost a completely different person when around a few people. Her eyes seem to take on a wild stare, she becomes aggressive and mean. This is a huge problem when she tries to hurt others and it almost appears as though she is bullying the other children. Not at all as she normally would be. She is controlling and shouts at them. If I try to intervene she is just in that "meltdown coming" mode where she cannot hear me, cannot rationalize at all and I cannot physically restrain her because she becomes almost adrenaline-induced stronger than average. This usually culminates in an extreme emotional or physical outburst that greatly disrupts the event.

Now I am really left with struggling whether to not go to any social activities like this and be further shut in or try to figure out how to help her in these situations. I know a lot of Asperger's teens and adults are more solitary than the average person, but this extreme has me quite worried and it also is having a negative affect on me--I am getting to be afraid of social situations where something could happen. I've long ago stopped being able to run a quick errand here and there and have to organize my life to where all of that is done while she is in school. Also, the social backlash on me-of being the one to "ruin" the social gathering by my daughter's behavior--this really has me so resentful. I don't know where the resentment is aimed but I cannot continue to endure these social spectacles-they are very hard on me as well as her.

I have thought perhaps medication for an impending social situation but she flat out refuses to take medication-so I cannot force her to take it when she will not.

Any thoughts or advice from someone going through this also?

You will melt down if things don't change and then where will she be?

It's like being pulled in to a black hole, once you start trying to avoid meltdowns by reducing the demand beyond a certain point. I don't know exactly where that point is, but once you cross it, very hard to go back.

Being afraid of meltdowns does not work. And taking responsibility for preventing them, I am learning, works only so far, but really, the person melting needs to be the one learning to avoid the meltdowns.

I've not been through the exact same thing, but I know what it is to be walked on by someone with ASD. Nothing good can come from your child pushing you around this way, and her ASD doesn't mean she isn't doing that.

I work with an individual with severe autism (and I am on the spectrum myself) and in both cases I can assure you that complete isolation is a bad idea. Now, both of us are only mildly introverted in that we function well enough in social situations but in his case there is potential for meltdowns. Having worked with him for three years there have been times when he had no money for activities or got kicked out of a program where there was nothing for him to do or he was sick and stayed home all day. The longer he goes without socializing the more maladaptive he becomes. Right now he is spending at least 6 hours a day socializing with strangers or just being out and about and as far as I know he hasn't had a meltdown since the last time he had a high-pressure dinner with both of his estranged parents.

Conversely when he was allowed to be isolated he would start attacking himself, staff, and even strangers (which he never does otherwise).

On my part I will say that isolation is unhealthy just from a social standpoint and for your mental health. Depending on how introverted your daughter is she may not have the same need to socialize. A lot of people on the spectrum have a very hard time during puberty because of the combination of having already uncontrollably strong emotions and having those emotions tossed in a blender by hormonal changes.

Kids of middle school age tease each other mercilessly and have a very Machiavellian sense of morality so there are lots of triggers for behavior. Unfortunately my experience is limited to adults with autism so I don't have much more help to offer than that.

What seems like a behavior problem is often an over-stimulation problem. Ear-plugs / noise canceling earphones / sunglasses / etc etc can help reduce overall stimulation allowing the person to focus on controlling their mind. Always have a "safe space" where the person can go to take a break and make sure they know they can ask for one. In a social situation this might be done in the bathroom or an unoccupied room where they can just sit and "de-stim" for a few minutes. Process their thoughts, and have a little quiet. Possibly limit the total length of the excursion and plan socializing like a workout. Start with low time - low intensity and work up to higher-time higher intensity. If you can control the number of people and how they interact that can help as well.

Make sure to set aside time for yourself for the same reason. If you let yourself become overloaded then you will project and aura of stress that your kid will pick up on.

When trying to work with your kid make sure you aren't adding to the overstim by repeating yourself frequently or with an agitated tone of voice. The guy I work with needs 5 minutes to process a... command? ... Your kid may need a few seconds to hear what you said, process it, and decide on a response (as opposed to not listening at all which is usually the assumption NT's can make). If you kid can understand the reason for them, breathing exercises can help as well in addition to breaks (not as replacement). The guy I work with does not understand breathing exercises and gets very upset when asked to do them, but if you just stand near him and loudly breath evenly and consistently he will unconsciously match pace and slowly calm down.

I don't know your situation but hopefully some of my information is transferable.

It is a two-edged sword, isn't it. Shielding them from things keep them from gaining skills, but too much of whatever it is, makes things way worse b/c they get overwhelmed.

We are struggling with similar issues, (socializing with other children is our main problem) and the solution that would help would be a gradually work on it with one child and ramp up etc. but we cannot get playdates for him, so that is out. The general principle of what I am advising has worked for other things, though.

In your case, your child is socializing at school, so you have to analyze how these other outings are different. Is he melting down b/c the environment or the people are less known to her? Figure out what the triggers are and why they do not trip her up at school.

Then try to expose her to whatever it is gradually, or try to manage things with less stress somehow (I would have more suggestions If I could figure out what the trigger is--)

Thanks. I do not know exactly what makes her meltdown in the social situations. Before the outing, she WANTS to go, in theory. These are people she loves deeply, in theory. However, when the moment of the event comes she is just completely overwhelmed with everything, even if just her and one same aged child is in her room or their room, she takes on this nervous energy and becomes more and more aggressive until she is too rough with them or starts to order them around or want them to do things a certain way. I watched her on 2 occasions this month try to play a game with a few others--both instances she was so rigid with telling everyone how things need to be done that everyone became mad and quit. When that happens she gets even more upset and angry and spirals further out of control. I think perhaps the meltdowns are triggered because she doesn't know what's going to happen, what people will say, and she cannot control any of it.

At home with me, none of this happens at all. She is calm and quiet. Nothing except possibly the internet going out or something else going wrong sets her off.

When I try to intervene to take her to a safe place or a calm down place she is very resistant- and will not go willingly. If I even try to pull her to a quieter place she screams "You're hurting me!! !"

It's so exhausting! And the easiest option has just been to stay home where things are easier.

She is also very resistant to earplugs or headphones lately. She is a very strong willed person.

In our city there are some ABA therapy groups that specialize in taking groups of high functioning ASD kids into community settings (shopping, bowling, amusement parks, baseball games, etc.). They usually have a 1:3 staff ratio, but will do 1:1 if needed. I think they also have sessions where they explain the outing to the kids beforehand, using social stories, etc. Is there a city within an hour of you where you might look or something like this?

She handles school, OK, but cannot handle one on one, unsupervised? I think you are right about it being about the unpredictability of it. I don't know what is going on in school, but if she is mostly supervised and sticks by herself mostly or is in heavily structured activities that may feel safer to her and that would be very different. School was OK for us before he attempted to socialize, when he just went along (mostly) with school activities and didn't try to deal much with the other kids and their unpredictability.


Given what you described, what I think I would try is one-on-one supervised structured playdates. My son can handle things like birthday parties with a couple of cousins if we are there to act as a buffer and provide structure (suggest activities I know will work) and allow him to withdraw when needed.

So, maybe if you have a playdate where they stay in the living room, or family room, or whatever you have. Maybe put on a movie both kids would like (You can limit the socialization to more manageable levels b/c a lot of it is in parrallel, by watching togehter), or play a game with them (if she can handle the competitive aspect), something like that. If she feels like things are safer and more predictable, it may go smoother and then once she gets some practice you can reduce some of the scaffolding.

Every now and again we are obliged to participate in a larger family function. It is not terrible that this happens as occasional, infrequent practice is manageable. Luckily I have a family reputation of being a helicopter mom, with my brother's wife, and the entirety of my husband's family, so that provides shade for my son, when he hovers around me with uncertainty or is reluctant to join in with things.

I am sure they still think he is "odd" but most of the blame gets thrown at me, which I can handle. A lot of times my husband's family does things outside, and I always plan certain things outside, so that he has an easy escape to a playground or something when he needs it.

My daughter is 6, but this sounds a lot like her. My daughter does OK going out to places like the mall as long as she doesn't have to interact with anyone. IE right now, I would not take her to the mall with a peer or friend who would expect to do social things.

But right now she doesn't want to go ANYWHERE because she is too tired or the activity is too exhasting. In her own words, "Just want to sit at home on the couch and do x, y, or z or even nothing. I hate leaving the house." She does not even want to go to the zoo anymore and that was one of her favorite things because she adores the animals.

My son is energized by being home, and drained from being away from home. We have certain things (food shopping) we do on a regularly scheduled basis that work out Ok, and he is better at other outings now, but that is b/c he is home now most of the time. When he was in school he needed to be home more on weekends to recharge.

It is a balance like everything else b/c staying home to recharge=good, but avoiding outside activities out of fear or hermit inertia=bad.

It can be hard to judge.

She handles school ok because it is a very small class with 7 other kids she has known for years. She has some difficulties but generally she is happy with school because it is a challenge and she likes that-she is very bright and aces pretty much everything with minimal effort (except for reading-she hates reading) and so the teacher gives her a lot of latitude to leave class when needed, zone out when needed, etc. She does have some social difficulties there that we deal with when we need to.

It was very helpful to have the description above about needing time to process commands-yes I think that is part of the issue when she is overstimulated. Her mind seems to go into fight or flight and no outside messages get in-her brain just seems to be rapid firing "danger" signals. Not even I can be a comfort to her at those times.

We have done counseling to help her with calming techniques to no avail-when her mind becomes overloaded none of it takes effect.

After the episodes she is apologetic and extremely sad-as though she has let herself down. I know she hates to have these reactions-and I do feel it is the way her brain works so I am at a loss on how to change the progression and outcome in these situations. She is an extreme introvert, as am I. So, these types of spectacles are horrible for both of us.

One of the early things that I said when I learned to talk was I don't want to go shopping I want to stay home and be quiet by myself, and my parents complied by leaving me alone at home while they went shopping.

I was not isolated or protected though to prevent meltdowns, it was more like people let me be and didn't interfere with what I wanted to do, which included leaving the house and journeying the streets for fun.

I hope I am not repeating---do you or could you have a short, structured play date periodically with one classmate? Rather then infrequently falling apart with people she views as unpredictable, and then wanting to avoid a socializing. The other thing I thought reading your posts is to limit the time to 1-2 hours and prepare her for what will happen when, if you can. I still think there may be an aspect of her being controlling of you. That doesn't mean I think she yet knows how to control herself, rather that her being sad after an outburst or meltdown is very appropriate and, hard though it is, not something to rescue her from, something she needs to go through to learn---the regret, that is. This isn't anything I've figured out, and maybe it doesn't appy, just something I have realized with my children and have not at all worked out yet. I just thought maybe it would help you too, the idea that being completely overwhmed is real, but there are real capabilities, too. And I think that is true for your child, with so few children in her class, at that age they must have some down time, if she interacts well with peers in school with their structure, she'll have trouble generalizing the skill, but you could ask to observe and try to work out what helps there. And if she isolates but does not melt down in school, you might still learn something you could use. Or you might be able to sway the school to add more work toward increasing her tolerance for interacting with other people.

I hope it improves for her and you, soon.

Lots of good advice here. I would also suggest speaking to the school about this issue and see what they can recommend. They may have some programs that specifically target social skills in an similar situation. I know that my daughter had trouble interacting with large groups of people during the holidays for many years. We would always bring familiar toys and find a room where the door could be closed and the lights be turned low. We started this when she was very young and at first she would resist being 'taken' to the quite room but as she got older and was able to understand that her brain didn't process input the same way as others she began to go to the room on her own when she felt herself getting overloaded.

Your daughter is old enough to understand she doesn't process stimulus the same way as other people so perhaps having her help to determine how to react to that feeling of being overwhelmed might help her be willing to move to the quiet room when she needs to do so. I agree that helping her feel in control is essential -that often proved key for our daughter. She didn't want to do what would help if we were telling her to do it, but if she chose to do it she was fine.

Good Luck.