Emotional self control

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My son needs some. He is running into trouble at school because he lets his feelings run away all the time. I don't know how to help him.

Does anyone have any advice? Techniques? Things we can read, study or practice??

Thanks.

Is it only in school? For a school problem, it's hard. Because we're a little bit helpless, and they want us to fix it.

I have had to turn to others to solve school problems. I don't like being unable to solve the problem myself and having to depend on someone else, but I have to to get good results. For learning problem that creates frustration and for social confusion, that's been essential.

The best advice I got was stay calm myself. And validate my child's suffering, even if I want to tell her what to fix or do better.

Do you know what is triggering his outbursts at school? Is he having trouble with other kids (teasing and bullying)? The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood is a good read (it covers issues experienced at school).

Also, success is very motivation for practicing self control. If you can identify what he is good at it can be an island of competence around which to practice and increase tolerance for frustration. Because being good at something does help get through when you are not. It could be anything he likes and wants to do, that presents some frustration but that he can succeed at, like a puzzle, or a struggle to communicate something that matters, just something where he needs to push himself, and it's hard, and he succeeds is what matters. Because he has to see the potential for success exists when he is frustrated and push past the negative emotion to stay focused on the task and get it done.

This was out ultimate downfall with school so all my advice is from the perspective of someone who tried and failed to make it work. That said, I did learn a few things.

1) If at all possible, go in and observe, even if you are dealing with people familiar (somewhat familiar) with ASD, you will catch more triggers than they will b/c you know your own child. Yes, everyone (teachers, other children, your child) will behave differently than if you were not there, so you won't catch all of it, you will learn something.

2)If your child who by the definition of ASD has a communication deficit, then you will not get a good picture of what is going on. You may get some information, but likely not all, You will be dependent on others for their perspectives, observations, and interpretations. (see bullet point 1)

If these observations, perspectives and interpretations cannot be trusted, then you will have a very hard time figuring out what is going on. You will need to piece together the truth from your own observations, your kid's perspective (which may be off due to misinterpretations, or just not being able to explain things right.

We had an FBA done and I cannot tell you how much of this information was wrong. That is the stuff I knew was incorrect (what works, what doesn't---heck they checked things I know for a fact they never tried. So, I could trust nothing that came out of the process. Not the triggers, (They claimed there were NONE) and certainly what they proposed to fix things.

So, the TL:DR version is that you need to gather as much information as you can by first person observation, try to get as much information from your child and see if what they makes sense or not. If you can get them to do their jobs and you trust what they say, you have a better shot.

As far as actually improving your child's ability to stop and think before he acts, and get the emotions diffused before they get him in trouble...that is a long road. Changing the environment as much as you can get them to, is the most efficient thing. After that it is a slow process of getting them to understand when they are getting upset, having them make a choice to try to contain the emotions, (My son tends to ruminate and make it worse) and then give them tools once they want to help you help them.

What is your son in this process? I can maybe give more concrete and less babbling information if I know where you are. My son is getting pretty good at understanding he is upset, is making very limited progress on wanting to contain the emotions, but if he does that, he is not too bad at letting me help him talk him down, and has some limited ability to self-calm if he can get to that point.

ASDMommy, you remind me how easy it is for adults to fall into the trap of responding with discipline that creates a problem. This shouldn't be, but removal of the privilege of social time as a consequence for unwanted child behavior happens a lot, because it's easy and it's familiar. And when the child's goal is to isolate, things can get bad quickly because he or she is bring rewarded by escaping something that feels like too much.

A good FBA could really help. But looking at what the outcome/consequence of the behavior is yourself may give you some help resolving the problem. Look at what happens after he falls apart, or whatever happens, that might be positive for him, try to move that experience to happen beforehand and as a support, and try not to give him whatever it is after problem behavior. Looking at things with an open mind, though, because what seems like a punishment to adults or typical children may seem otherwise to your child.

Then you have to engage the school in working on solving things. That can be tough. I'm really grateful how people came together to help when we needed that, but I clearly remember how helpless and angry I felt upon learning that someone was isolating my child as a consequence for her isolating herself to teach her that it is unacceptable to isolate like it was happening now. I know my writing style is sometimes confusing, but that's literally what they did, and those were the words they used to explain it to me. I couldn't even be mad at my child for what she did I was so beside myself over the confusion they were creating. I guess what I am saying is that sometimes well meaning people think something is a good idea so hard they believe things that are irrational, and breaking that pattern is important, because we're asking our children to break through what is comfortable, we need to have adults help lead the way .

Waterfalls,

I agree. They have a toolbox with certain things in it, and unless you have someone who "gets it" they can really punish in an inappropriate way because they do not understand that what is an incentive for an NT kid, might be a punishment to an AU kid, and visa versa. Also they will take away things like recess when you have a squirmy kid who really needs every moment of allowed wiggle time, not realizing or caring that it is apt to make the behavior worse.

**I really do not understand the logic behind punishing isolating behavior, with anything at all --much less with more isolation. Personal space is an important need, when it is needed, and branching out should be encouraged when they are able to do so. What you describe sounds like the worst of all worlds: being told you can't have your space when you need it, and that if you want to branch out later we will not allow you to, to get even with you. Not nice.

Thanks ASDMommy, I'm glad I made sense.

Not falling apart with strong emotion when things go wrong takes a lifetime to learn. I don't feel I've mastered it, at all. And our kids, ASD or NT can't really be expected to get it right all the time either. We just have to keep trying.

If he can learn to observe his breathing, it will help.

We are teaching him basic vipassana and yoga. But he doesn't see the point, so it seems like a formal exercise at the moment.

The emotional control problems are at home as well as at school.

I am worried because they are talking about making him more accountable at school, which I think means "conferences" which is another way of saying after-school detention. His mother thinks this is a good idea because he needs to learn to control himself. I think this may just piss him off and make him feel alienated.

I am concerned because they are saying that this emotional regulation issue is "not part of his disability" because they won't be able to reprimand him in any way if it is viewed as part of his disability… But the thing is I think it is a consequence of his neurology, and I think focusing on showing him that his actions have negative consequences is based on the idea that he will "work it out" and change his behavior. But "working it out" is just what he has difficulty doing in the first place.

I can't help but think that he needs to be taught very specific techniques for dealing with the negative feelings rather than just a "avoid the punishment by finding something new to do" approach.

I am worried that the experiment they are about to do will go badly and hurt his year.

I guess there is nothing to do but watch everything closely and step in if it goes badly. I am anxious because his mom is worried about his lack of control and feels helpless to help him develop this skill, so she is hoping that the more disciplanarian approach at school will help.

I find I am second guessing myself constantly and just don't feel confident about anything in this situation.

I think you are right Adamantium. However, it's useless and frustrating to me to absolutely believe I'm right and be unable to convince others that something is important, and they continue doing things their way, and come up with reasons why they are right, even if it isn't working.

If school is saying problems with emotion regulation are not related to the disability I think they are just struggling and don't know what else to do so they wind up needing to blame someone, even if it's the child everyone might actually want to help. Because I'm guessing your child has ASD, and it sounds ridiculous to say a child with ASD having difficulty with emotion regulation is unrelated to his disability. I'd be furious about that. But hopefully, people are well intentioned and just lost.

This does sound a lot like what happened with my child who does not have ASD, and I stopped trying to talk to the people involved when I realized they weren't hearing me, talked to other people, pointed out how what was being done that was being labeled an appropriate adult consequence for unwanted behavior was actually putting my child in charge and allowing her to avoid engaging in the behavior that we wanted her to do, so while she protested the "punishment" it actually was letting her avoid things she did not want to have to do. I was just extremely upset, talk about emotion regulation problems! But the problem was fixed, and that is what counts.

If you can find anyone who will be on your side, it would help, could be a therapist or evaluator. Because if they're lost, they might be open to trying something else. And I've learned I have to try not to push too hard or people get really stubborn about their position, no matter how ridiculous. And then they're more stubborn because I think they realize they're being ridiculous and get embarrassed, so they won't admit it.

I've never done this, but another thing you could do is say "let's try it your way" specify some reasonable period of time you choose, and schedule a meeting for that time to discuss how things are progressing, or even suggest that if things have not improved, "we would like an independent evaluation, you'd agree if we can't make headway on this promptly that something needs to be done, right?" Said in a polite and nonsarcastic manner. Or something along those lines. Because otherwise it's really hard to put a stop to something that isn't working. Or if you can find a good therapist who can work with the school. I don't know how that works, I'm anxious about it, my ASD child is very well behaved but upset by school and therapist wants me to ask school to talk to him, we'll see how that goes, whether it does anything. I don't know....but your situation is different, because people want to do something for your child, you just want to shift their direction. And they aren't listening to you. So you need them to hear from someone they can listen to, because egos don't matter hear, it just matters that the situation gets better.

I really can't understand why people have such a hard time understanding that if someone does not know how to do something, no amount of punishment will make it happen. So if your child needs skills to regulate emotion, yes, he can fake it if terrified enough, but it's unlikely they'd reach that point. And some consequences and accountability are fine, but will only work if he is able to regulate emotion. I feel for you, and hope you and your wife can come together and be calm for your son---that's been very hard for us as a family, it pulls you apart when things go poorly. And the more you can be calm and supportive of one another, the more you can help him succeed, even if the path isn't optimal. But hopefully find a path that gets there, and there is often more than one.

We are struggling with this same problem. 7th grade has not been a good year. My son has always been one cry easily, and hide when anxious, but in the past he has only lashed out in anger with object, like kicking the wall, shoving a desk or knocking his books to the floor. This year, he has decided he is no longer going to put up with the bullying and if the teachers won't do anything then he will. He has been in so many "fights" this year that I lost count. Luckily, the school does see it as part of his disability, and the vice principal is a good advocate for him. I have allowed him to get consequences for his actions, such as lunch/after school detention and ISS as I know that I won't always be able to protect him from consequences if he keeps being violent into adulthood and I think he has to understand he has to have consequences for certain actions. At the same time I have explained to the school personal that these consequences will not change his behavior as it is not addressing the root of the problems. For the past two years, he has had a special class and understanding teacher to fall back on during emotional events. They decided not to continue that at the JR. High school and this is the result. So.... As many others have done, we decided that home schooling is going to be the best option for us. All jr. High has done is teach our sweet gentle sensitive boy that violence is a good first choice.

Adamantium, I hope you find a good solution, maybe your school district will be better than ours.

As for things that help, I find liked The Explosive Child by Dr. Greene, and my son likes the book How to take the Grrr out of anger. It's for younger kids (8-12)and I don't know how old your child is.

So thanks to a home visit by the dark angel of projectile vomiting*, we missed the big day on which the new, punitive approach was to be implemented.

I took the extra time to organize my thoughts and send in a formal protest note with several PDFs documenting that emotional regulation problems are a well known feature of ASDs.

I suggested that we should be very clear about not following a path of punishing him for not perceiving what he does not perceive but instead find ways to support him that will actively teach him techniques to reduce the stress factors that make him lose control and techniques for dealing with the overwhelming feeling that follows. Still no response but I feel a lot better for having done it.

Along the way, I found these:

https://www.middletownautism.com/fs/doc ... etin-8.pdf

http://spl.stanford.edu/pdfs/2012%20Sam ... ergers.pdf

I thought others here might be interested.

*I think this I am borrowing this evocative phrase from Garison Keillor.

Adamentium,

That is exactly the approach the district was about to take with our son. I wish I could give you concrete help. I hope you can make them change path. I agree with you that it will most likely backfire. I will also check out your links.

Eureka-C, That sounds like a book we need to check out as well.

Will pre-empt by saying I have only read the original post. Sorry if I am repeating.

We are also struggling with this. 7th grade. My son is generally very laid back and even-keeled. One thing that has seemed to help is education about puberty. He is now better able to recognize that his emotional responses may be out of whack and that it really is out of his control, but "normal" to a certain degree. THe knowledge seems to help buffer him from throwing self-loathing at his lack of control on top of whatever is bothering him at the moment, because for him, negative self-talk when he first starts to lose it is the one thing that always tips him all the way over. It was very illuminating when I first realized this. What looked like lashing out at others is actually extreme frustration and contempt toward himself for not being able to do what he "knows he should be able to do" because his typical peers can do it. Now he understands that puberty is probably making his feelings exaggerated. Putting a rational explanation that he can cognitively grasp while he escapes helps.

At home, he simply asks to be left alone. Period. And we back off. Then when he feels back in control we talk about it if it needs to be talked about. At school, he can go to guidance when he starts to notice himself revving up. He also is allowed to go to the nurse. For him, removing himself from the situation before it gets out of control seems to be the most viable answer.

I don't have the answer, but I have been taught to ask questions and look for school to offer solutions. Otherwise they cement themselves into a position while labeling us difficult and rigid. So, I try to stop myself when I'm arguing and find someone who will listen to the question "is this/is this likely to work?" Because they need to be right, and a direct confrontation gets nowhere, even when the facts are on your side.

And I feel it almost killed me. But I've changed how I act and learned, from a lot of people, and I really hope you can find that as well! Because sometimes, it is possible to make things better. Meantime, I guess all you can do is look for alternatives and support your son getting through this. And maybe tell him grow ups are trying to help, just haven't figured out what will work yet? Because even very difficult school people can usually be appropriate if it would embarrass them not to be. Unless they are truly evil, if you can or your child can mention of course knowing how hard they are trying it can sometimes shift the tone a bit, and makes it easier for your child to be cooperative if the adults aren't being so outrageous. And when the adults behave better, they'll see your child respect them more, helps them behave in a more positive way toward him, helps him control himself to see them behaving well.

I do understand your sons behavior started this, I just don't think it helps if the adults go downhill as a result. He needs the direct instruction you want, and he needs the role modeling of calm teachers. At least if this is at all like with my kids, understand may not be that way for you.