How can I help my ASD daughter behave at school?

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My 13 year old daughter just got suspended today, the first time since she got her aspergers diagnosis in November. She was out of control and not listening to 5 teachers that were trying to get her and another friend to listen and they finally called me at work to tell me they were sending her home. On top of this, her and this friend had plans to shop lift (her twin sister told on them to protect them) and when she left school, she got the other girl to leave with her and they were heading for the shopping center together.

Luckily the school suspected they would try to leave together and they had an educational assistant follow them and when they saw they were heading to the mall, they had the police pick up her friend and bring her back to school. So now they have suspended my daughter for today and the other girl for tomorrow. I am to keep her home if I have a rough evening, which I am sure I will.

I tried talking to her at home, but she keeps hanging up on me and says she doesn't want to speak to anyone. But this is so serious, I can't just let it go.

What am I supposed to do? This friend lives on the same floor as us and they seem to get along well and have fun too - but they sure do make some bad choices together.

Was this your daughter's idea or her friend's? I ask, not to judge, but b/c they are two different problems.

If the issue is her friend she needs to learn better judgement and more assertiveness in keeping other people from leading her into trouble. Aspies can be very good followers and it can get them into big trouble.

If it was her idea, you need to find out why. Is it because she wanted the items? Was she trying to impress her friend, etc.?

I am not sure whose idea it was, but I do know my daughter really wants more Yu-Gi-Oh cards - it's a new special interest that the school has been happy about because she has been spending a lot of free time at school with 3 boys trading cards quietly in the library (Unstructured time is when she is at her worst and they try to supervise her every minute to keep her out of trouble).

My daughter got 80 new cards on Thursday with her allowance and I know she went shopping with her friend to get a starter deck at the mall. Now I wonder did she really have the money to purchase a new deck or did they go steal it together?

I cannot believe that my daughter would think this was a good idea. Her twin sister had a shoplifting incident last year where a friend had shoplifted while she was out shopping with her. They both thought that this was a horrible thing - to steal. My ASD daughter wanted to punch this ex-friend out for actually doing something like this. How can she suddenly condone stealing?

Oh dear. That's too bad.
There's something I don't understand... Did they not require a parent to pick her up from school when she was suspended? That strikes me as being misguided, to put it mildly. She should have been put in the care of a responsible adult, rather than allowed to wander around. And a parent needs to speak to her and figure out what was going on, and decide on a plan.
As for the question of shoplifting... It sounds to me like she wants badly to fit in. Both the act of shoplifting and having the cards are ways of fitting in (I've talked about this as buying friends to explain it to my daughter). So that is two reasons to do it, besides the fact that it is a special interest and she had a strong desire for the cards.
Using the disciplinary techniques we use with younger children can be effective with older ones as well. If you were to redirect to appropriate behaviour that meets the same need (fitting in) what could you do? Take the two girls to the mall and buy them a smoothie? Invite the friend for an afternoon to play their game?

]My 13 year old daughter just got suspended today, the first time since she got her aspergers diagnosis in November.

To me this says it is not her first suspension - just the first one since she has had a diagnosis - to me that says there are possibly more issues that just autism or the school system uses suspension so they don't have to deal with the problem.

She was out of control and not listening to 5 teachers that were trying to get her and another friend to listen and they finally called me at work to tell me they were sending her home.

Does the school not have an autism program with a quiet room? - when a child is not listening consistently then perhaps they are overstimulated - again the school is not handling this well

On top of this, her and this friend had plans to shop lift (her twin sister told on them to protect them) and when she left school, she got the other girl to leave with her and they were heading for the shopping center together.

How in the world did a school release a minor without an adult there? - this just screams neglect.

Luckily the school suspected they would try to leave together and they had an educational assistant follow them and when they saw they were heading to the mall, they had the police pick up her friend and bring her back to school. So now they have suspended my daughter for today and the other girl for tomorrow. I am to keep her home if I have a rough evening, which I am sure I will.

So she will be rewarded with staying home - does the school have an in-school suspension option?

I tried talking to her at home, but she keeps hanging up on me and says she doesn't want to speak to anyone. But this is so serious, I can't just let it go.

I agree, you can't just let this go, but it appears to me you have a very poor school system to deal with in addition to your daughters issues.

What am I supposed to do? This friend lives on the same floor as us and they seem to get along well and have fun too - but they sure do make some bad choices together.[/quote]

So for what it is worth here are my thoughts on what you can do:
1. punish your daughter by taking away her cards for the day (and anything else she may enjoy doing on her day home)
2. NO unsupervised visits with this other girl - they may get along, but making poor decisions at this age can effect the rest of your daughters life.
3. talk with the other girls parent(s) if you are comfortable doing so and see if they have any insights and how they are going to handle the situation
4. Start learning about your rights and your daughters rights in regards to what the school needs to do for her and with her - I can not say this strongly enough - the school is NOT doing their job here. I know that every school system is different and many simply don't have the resources but if that is the case you need to know it now so you can make other arrangements for your daughter if necessary.
5. Now that you have a diagnosis it is time to work on finding therapy outside of the school so your daughter can learn to make better choices etc.

I know a new diagnosis can be very overwhelming and raising 2 daughters is a lot, but don't give up. You are doing the best you can with what you have and coming here for advice is a great way to start.

Good luck