Need advice with my step son

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Hello all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

My stepson was currently diagnosed with high functioning austisim(asperger's), ADD, and depressive disorder. He's 14 but I've been in his life since he was 4. He has always been extremely difficult to deal with and every day with him is a struggle. I DO NOT want to make things worse when it comes to punishment. But he does lie a lot and will still not listen when he is told otherwise. It becomes even worse on weekends my son comes over and stays. And of course him and my 7 year old daughter will have conflicts a lot.

I just need to find a way to punish him but not in a way he doesn't understand and hopefully get through to him. For example, he will get in trouble for something he did, get yelled at...then ten minutes later he will ask to play a video game or whatever. But he can remember something from five years ago!!

Here is some other things he does, becomes worse when my son is over for the weekend:

makes annoying sounds, gets really loud at times
tries to control my son (telling him what to do when playing a video game for example)
will giggle at everything...I do mean everything
my son will ask me a question and he answers for me

I'm just looking for ways to get through to him. I am currently beginning to read some books on this and research. Thanks in advance!!

Well, speaking from a personal point of view, I would say that the reason he asks to play a video game ten minutes after being shouted at is because (and I do this) he doesn't realise that the being shouted at stops him from being able to play the game, unless it is explicitly stated. And the controlling your son part comes from lack of patience as he thinks he knows better than your son, and gets annoyed as he doesn't understand why your son doesn't get it. And the answering questions is probably automatic,as he knows the answers and is just trying to help. The only advice I could give to punishments is make sure you state what the punishment is in a way in which he will understand, and when you do don't change it without explaining it to him first.

Punish him with kindness. . Sounds like a button pusher. If he lies, call it out. Say "I don't believe you". As for him telling people how to do things, maybe he actually knows, but that doesn't change the fact that right is wrong, because people are different. It sounds like he is generally a happy person. You must be doing something right.

I think the depression is going to make this harder then it would normally be, and it is not so easy even without the depression. Punishment may not be the issue so much as that he lacks skills or needs help, or at least with a lot of this. Is he getting treatment?

A lot of what you list are behaviors that are just annoying but not logically punishable. Those are things he will either want to curtail, or frankly he won't. At 14, it is harder because the same motivators that will fly for a little one, won't do you any good.

The giggling is something I would not even worry about other than in the context of improving his social skills, and at his age, only if he is open to the help. I would guess his peers have already let him know it is annoying. If he wants help on it, then you could ask him what he needs help on---if it is that he doesn't realize he does it and wants to be told, or if he needs help figuring out an alternate response. There may be a speech specialist or something he is eligible for at school that could help him with this. It is very common for people with autism to have inappropriate responses to things because of wiring differences.

Autistic people have notoriously bad short term memories (completely different neurologically from long term memory) and also as Vacant_Entity said have trouble making connections between events. he may seriously have no idea that prior behavior will impact your decisions about later favors and requests. I would have a conversation letting him know that good behavior facilitates favors and such and that he is more likely to get privileges and perks when he makes good decisions. I would also expressly tell him if he asks for things right after getting into trouble, the answer will likely be, "no." This is not necessarily common sense to him. When it happens remind him of the discussion and tell him he might have been allowed, but he isn't because he just did x. It may take a lot of repetition.


Annoying sounds, are just that, annoying. He is probably stimming and needs it as either a vocal thing or an audio thing, or both. Just ask him to do it in his room if you are trying to do something/concentrate. An occupational therapist might be able to help him with less disruptive ways to satisfy his sensory needs. He may be eligible for this at school, too.

Reciprocity is another big thing that is really hard, not to mention impulse control. When he interrupts or answers for you, gently remind him that he needs to wait his turn/let you answer etc. This may be another thing that has to be a very specific conversation. He needs to learn self-control, but punishment is not the point. It is acquiring the skills he needs to get along with others.


Compliance can be another issues. Some autistic people will follow any and all rules no matter how stupid/nonsensical, dangerous, or no matter who makes it b/c it is a "rule." Many won't follow them unless it is a rule they make themselves or it makes sense and seems fair. Many are a bad mix where they will do dangerous stupid things their "friends" tell them to do, but won't follow "simple" directives their parents make. The main thing here is to explain your rules the vest you can and be consistent about consequences and make sure the consequences are ideally natural or at least are consistent and fair.

As far as the lies go...why does he lie? Is it that he is afraid of consequences or is there some kind of pattern beyond wanting to get his way? Sometimes it can be a difficulty in communicating the truth so more info might help here.

I probably have not addressed everything, but hopefully this will give you something to start with.

Edited to ask how old the other son who comes to visit is. If he is older I would think that your son could tell him not to try to boss him around, himself. You should reinforce this of course to explain that he can play games as he likes even if he thinks heis way as better, but I would leave it to the two boys to settle if you can.

Kid sounds like a young me. My younger brother says I was pretty controlling back then.

I like ADMommy's advice, wow, I would listen to her first.

Keep in mind I figured out I had Asperger's last summer, here is my opinion ......

With my kids I like to turn things into a question (if I have the time). So for instance, "Does that seem fair?" or "Would you like it if he did that to you?" You have to watch his face and body for clues (LOL because I am an Aspie too) for if you are pushing him too far. Go meltdown and its not going to do much good. I still mess up and my son goes meltdown on me.

The second book I read after figuring I was on the spectrum was by Robison "Be Different" and he said that we don't have whatever you want to call it, social intuition, we have to think it thru instead. So you need to get that part 'rolling', the thinking it over, put yourself in the other person's shoes thing.

Poor kid, I feel for him. Sucks.

Classic parenting advice: PICK YOUR BATTLES.

ASD kids often stim as a method of self-regulation and calming, and by trying to "punish" the stims you end up making it more difficult for them to conform and "behave" on the more essential items. In my book, the annoying sounds are probably stims, therefore, off the list for something you need to try to control.

Giggling is often a nervous reaction when someone has no idea how to respond. With my son, the more he starts to laugh or giggle inappropriately, the more I know he is getting stressed out and may be headed into a meltdown. I hear that and I send him off to pace or walk or do something else that helps him ground himself. Again, off the list for something you would consider punishing.

Answering for others - ASD kids can have trouble with theory of mind. This may be an automatic reaction for him, or he may not realize it was not for him, or he might not understand why if he knows the answer it isn't more efficient for him to provide it. Calmly and politely tell him that you asked your son, not him, and remind him that you would appreciate it if he would not answer questions not directed at him. Also consider if you are making it clear who the question is for by using that person's NAME.

I would put trying to control the other kids into a battle that I WOULD pick for he needs to learn that other people are not his puppets. But that can be difficult for many with ASD because, again, there are theory of mind problems. He thinks he is helping. Or he gets agitated by the style of play the other person uses and forgets that they have rights that need to be balanced against his. Correcting this behavior in my son took hours of discussion (listening carefully to and understanding how he is thinking and then explaining why that is not enough to justify the imposition), as well as some basic consequences along the lines of, "if you can't stop trying to control your sister, you will have to leave this room."

Lying is a more complex issue and we've delved into it pretty deeply in the past, so I will suggest you check out the Parenting Index thread (stickied above) first. Often it comes down to ASD kids being so literal that we have inadvertently either TAUGHT them to lie, or have gotten them to believe we are all hypocrites on the issue and they need to lie to survive. And sometimes they have just given up on their ability to be understood by you so completely that they start saying what they think you want to hear, because that is easier than telling the truth and always being either misunderstood or punished for some reason they can't understand. You also have to be very careful with whether or not he knows that he is lying in the way he understands the term.

ASD kids respond much, much better to being SOLD the logic of a request than they do to being punished for failing to meet it. They NEED to learn and understand the logic or they can't extend the learning beyond the one situation at hand, and you will find yourself constantly dealing with what you see as rule breaking, but that he sees as a new situation. It just adds up to frustration on both sides.

That said, consequences remain a way of sending the message that you are serious. Personally, I found the most effective one to simply be time out, although I'm not sure if that is still true for a 14 year old (I don't think my 16 year old son has been "punished" for at least 3 years). While it may not seem like much of a punishment, it DOES cause them to reflect on their actions AND they will usually use the time to engage in self-calming behavior, both of which are highly beneficial. If my son were to do something huge at this age ... I think holding him out of something he enjoys would be the tool I would use, or maybe I would add a chore ... tough call. The stuff lately is so small we really can just sit down and talk about it.

I know that all of the above can be hard to swallow for parents in a world that is always telling them something different, but I KNOW that it works. NOT JUST for me, but for many other parents who have come on here in situations like yours, and had a hard time swallowing what I was saying. But, they tried it with some minor modifications so it would suit their style better, and were surprised at the positive results. Living with an ASD child takes throwing out a lot of conventional parenting advice and assumptions and changing the way you see the conflicts.

Thanks for the replies!!

He is getting treatment and has the 504 plan at school. He is also on medication.

My son is 13, so they are really only about six months apart in age. He has no friends that he hangs out with or brings over, so I guess maybe he enjoys his step brother's company in a way.

I honestly do not know why he lies, sometimes I feel like he actually believes his lies. When he has been caught red handed and lies about it, its like, I don't know, he just can't admit the truth. He will go way off to left field with excuses. And he is really smart about it, like really really clever. So if something does happen and it wasn't his fault, its really hard to believe him.

I don't know, the worst seems to flare up when my boy visits for the weekends or if it is me, my wife, our daughter all together. It just seems like he wants our attention. But the kicker is, if is just me and him at the house, he barely speaks to me. Heck, he naps most of the time!!

Some of it may be that even home socializing is too much. Sibling stuff can be hard to navigate, and he may be having trouble with that as well. The more people, the more unpredictable the social interations; and people with AS/HFA have a lot of trouble navigating the unpredictable. It feels scary, hence the need to control as much of the interaction as he can, which will at least partially explain the sibling issues you are seeing.

Maybe when it is just you and him, the demands are not so bad and he can relax. His mom may require more interaction and then adding more kids in the mix makes it harder. Kids are so much harder to predict and relate to, and they do not have adult abilities or patience.

Do you think the 504 plan is enough? Does he need more support in school or is he doing just fine there with what is in place? Stress from school can seep into home interactions, and I am guessing that it is possible ,especially if he has a depressive disorder, that he may need more support then he may be getting there. School often try to cheap out on assistance if they can get away with it.

He has been on the 504 plan a short time, he was just diagnosed in Jan 2014. But it seems to be helping with his last progress report showing some good grades. All the teachers are on board and the school counselor seems to care. He has been going to therapy for a longer time and he seems to cope well with them. My Wife and I had considered a local charter school but they don't have band, and he plays trumpet and loves band.

I have to leave in a few, so I probably won't get to my whole answer, which is probably OK because I tend to write too much anyway!

My son and I both have ADD. I can speak from experience when I say it can cause you to live WAY in the moment. IOW, if you punished me 10 minutes ago, that is history. I'm not likely even thinking about it anymore, unless I have become "stuck" and ruminatory about it. But if my mind has moved on, it's not that I am trying to annoy you by asking if I can play a video game. It's because I want to know if I can play a video game. Also, many of my feelings are fleeting. I can be livid one minute, and 10 minutes later...I'm just "over" it. Again, unless I get stuck on it (and believe me, it is not good when I do, because then I get fixated and cannot move on), I will be on to my next thought/desire/wish/feeling quicker than it seems other people are. I notice this is true with my son as well. His feelings are intense, and they burn out quickly, as opposed to my daughter, who tends to smolder.

As to your list of annoying things, I agree that they are annoying, but I do not agree that they are things that should be punished. Having your son over puts an extra "strain" on him, so I suspect he is probably getting overstimulated and some of the behaviors you notice are either his way of trying to regulate his system or maladaptive responses to being overwhelmed.

I skimmed responses after your first one, and I think you said it doesn't seem like it bothers your son? If it doesn't bother your son, then I would really try not to make a big issue out of these things.

The lying is a tough one. For most of his life, my son did not lie. I don't think he understood how to. Now he does, and he is doing it more frequently. We have spent a lot of time talking about it. I think a lot of his lying is due to a kind of wishful thinking. I think he tells the truth the way he wishes it was, with grand plans to either rectify the situation after lying about it, or plans to never let it happen again. The problem is, with his executive functioning issues, none of his good intentions help him follow-through. There are also times when he simply perceives something differently than I do and he is telling it the way he sees it. One of the best tricks I have learned is not to ask questions I know the answer to. So, instead of "Have you done your homework?" I say "Finish your homework and when you show it to me, you can play Minecraft." And sometimes he will surprise me by handing it over right then and there.

Good luck. There's a lot of knowledge on this site if you stick around.

Syrix, reading your description of the lying, he is playing up the literal? If so, best way to handle it is to be very specific and literal yourself. "Did you wash your hands" becomes "have you washed your hands in the last five minutes." And watch for non-specific answers, because in his head they are not lies, but avoids. For example, he can honestly answer he has washed his hands if he has EVER washed his hands, and even if you add that last five minutes part, he may dodge by saying "I wash my hands."

ASD individuals tend to be very literal naturally, but they can also reach an age where they fully understand the world isn't that way, but find the mind games they can do with that to be interesting. Well, or at least my son did, in part because I was teaching him to do that as a way to get him to be socially polite on things like gifts and compliments when he thought that being nice would be a lie, so of course he turned it back on me, wondering if I would pick up on it (I did).

Like I said, there are many other possibilities that are discussed in past threads, and those tend to apply more than the above. Just something in your comment made me wonder if the above might be it.

Yes he is a very literal person. The lying part I am concerned about is when he is actually caught doing something in the act. When confronted right then and there, he will just not admit to it or say sorry and just spill out some bizzare excuses. I just worry that if he really believes that or its tied to what he is dealing with in ASD....or to expect this sometimes because he's only 14 and kids do this at times??! !

As far as when my son comes over on weekends, I agree that he becomes overwhelmed. I see a lot of things now clearly since I have researching this. My son does get aggravated at times and but I think that scenario will be ok since my boy takes after me and has patience.

I appreciate everybody's responses and they have been quite helpful. I intend to stick around here for a long time since I have learned so much and still have a long ways to go. My biggest thing with him is learning what I can do to help him and not make it worse. I don't want him to end up hating me when he gets older. Thanks again!

Before I read ASDmommy's brilliant reply, I was feeling disturbed by the emphasis on punishment in the OP. I think this is a destructive, toxic focus.
There is no point in punishment but to deter some bad behavior and a lot of what was listed in the OP was not bad behavior.

I would try to focus on skillfully promoting interactions that are mutually positive. Don't worry about your authority or the need for compliance. Ask yourself what will make the current situation better? In the moment? Forget "the principle of the thing" and deal with the specific circumstances of the now.

You can both be happier if you put down some of the burden of command and control.

Rather than thinking "pick your battles ' it might be better to transform the time you spend together into something other than battles.

I really agree with ASDmommy and InThisTogether.

I wish you the best of luck in making your family stronger and happier.

Last edited by Adamantium on 04 Mar 2014, 11:54 am, edited 2 times in total.

Correct me if I'm wrong about the lying, but does he lie to get things or to avoid punishment? If he's lying to avoid punishment, then changing the punishment won't solve that...and making the punishment worse will just give him more incentive to lie.

I find it's helpful to switch things to a positive perspective. Rather than thinking of the negative things you don't want him to do, try to think of positive things that you want to see more of. Try to find positives that are incompatible with the negatives you want to avoid. We call those positive opposites. For example, if the issue is him bossing your son around, then positive opposites would be asking him for advice, playing cooperatively or waiting for your son to ask for advice before telling him what to do. Set up a situation to practice it, such as having the boys play video games with you supervising, then remind him ahead of time: "First Joey's going to have a turn. Remember the rule: if he asks for advice you can help him, but otherwise you can watch patiently, and quietly. If you can follow that rule, then you can have your turn in 5 minutes." If he makes a mistake, remind him of the rule, and start the clock again. As he's watching, if you see him getting frustrated you can remind him to take deep breaths, and try to calm down, and that his turn is coming up soon. If 5 minutes is too long, do 2 minutes.

So the idea is to switch from a position of punishing inappropriate behaviors to rewarding appropriate behaviors. Ideally you pick appropriate behaviors that are incompatible with those inappropriate ones. The rewards or reinforcers don't have to be extravagant. They should be everyday things that he enjoys, like praise, or toys/TV/video games. Things that he has restricted access to, but can earn access by doing the right things.

I also want to piggy back on what ASD mommy said regarding the stimming - rather than saying no, make it clear that that is ok, in private. Again the positive opposite here is: go ahead and stim in your room. If he's stimming in his room, he won't be stimming near you and annoying you with it. You can also work on concepts like "indoor voices" and "indoor sounds". Sometimes kids with ASDs don't have a lot of awareness of things like their own volume, so this may take some practice, having him say things loudly and quietly, and then reminding him that this is a quiet place not a loud place. Loud places are his room, or the backyard, etc.

Find out more about the bizarre excuses. They may be actual windows into how he thinks and what the roadblocks on this issue are. Remember that ASD kids have trouble expressing themselves AND see the world in a very different way, so what may seem bizarre to you may be sincere to him.

With all due respect, I have to be honest and say I don't know if this is an age appropriate approach. This is the approach we used with my daughter up until about the age of 6. She is 8 now and I really don't think she would tolerate it anymore. I am certain my 12 year old son would not. He would be very embarrassed if I coached him on how to interact with his friends, with his friends sitting right there. I know this boy is the step-brother, but I still suspect the kid with the ASD might find this embarrassing.

This is not to say that I am not in agreement with the underlying concept, because I am. But "setting up a situation to practice" social skills for a 14 year old boy will likely alienate him from his "hang out" buddies and make him feel belittled. I do, however, firmly agree with setting up rules and discussing them in detail. Moreso with my daughter than my son, but this is the one thing that seems to keep social gatherings in check.