The "R" word

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So my son and daughter were walking home from school the other day and another boy from school walked by muttering under his breath. He spoke just loudly enough so that my daughter could hear that he mentioned my son's name and then said "ret*d."

My son was oblivious to this, thankfully--it would have really hurt his feelings. But my daughter is upset.

My wife is worried that his differences and unusual behavior will increasingly make him a target.

I find the whole thing really depressing. It brings to mind times when I was walking alone in London and some kids were throwing stones at me.

But I need to set those painful memories aside and think about how to help them navigate the presence of the nasty young man in their lives and others like him.

I don't have an answer, but I agree, it is important to set one's own painful memories aside for the sake of one's child.

I do know that even bullies are responsive to peer pressure. If there are any children who will interrupt, it helps, I've seen bullies back off. At least for the moment.

It could cause problems for your daughter if this happens a lot, and could even be done to bully her rather than her brother, so you might put thought into helping her with figuring out what, if any, response makes sense.

I did not typically notice if I was being bullied when I was growing up, it's protective but also puts you in danger. Does your son normally have the ability to detect when he is being bullied?

You could work with your daughter and the school to try to set up a club where people befriend and spend time with people with developmental disabilities, like your son. One of the schools I work at has a program called "Best Buddies" that is actually hugely popular among the NT students. It has created this atmosphere at the school where insulting a person with a developmental disability would carry some pretty heavy social costs. I know this type of club is not realistic everywhere, but he's got this advocate in his sister, and if she could rally some of her friends in support, it may at least have some effect. At the very least, it may be worthwhile having some conversations with her, and priming her with something to say or literature / cards to hand out to ignorant people ( for example: http://www.squidoo.com/free-printable-a ... tion-cards ).

I liked Best Buddies, they have it at my daughter's school and I was hoping she would get involved. The kids in it seemed nice and accepting.

My daughter hated it, though. I think the issue is they are providing a buddy to a child with intellectual disability or ASD, and she could have become a Big Buddy (for lack of a better term) but she has ASD and was looking at how things were run and not liking how it was crowded and loud and chaotic, which she saw bothering the Little Buddies, too. And she felt the Little Buddies were talked down to. She is very independent, but does not have a single friend and I am a bit saddened, as I wish there were an option for her to have some help making a friend and connecting to kids she sees as different.

Nice idea, people seemed nice, and there is a structure to follow. But at least at her school, aimed for kids with a lot of needs, and brings together but also emphasizes differences. I hope that made sense. I still like the idea, though.

I really wish I had a solution, but all I can offer is my empathy. I knew I was an aspie basically all my life. I was officially diagnosed when I was 6 years old. Of course, my unusual behavior coupled with the fact that adults always treated me differently attracted the attention of other kids. I can remember walking around a small town called Carlton here in Oregon where other boys would throw stones and pieces of scrap metal at me periodically.

I can remember running and hiding from them periodically. Once, when I was in middle school, I was in the park and about five of them walked up to me and one of them brandished a knife. So, I pulled out my knife and prepared to recieve more of the bodily harm which seemed inexorable at that point. Fortunately, a man came and threatened to call the police. He had no way of knowing who the aggressor was, so he acted quite upset with both them and myself. It certainly wasn't the worst way that could have turned out.

It wasn't usually so dramatic though. Usually, the other kids just teased me. Sometimes I was aware of it at the time, while other times I wasn't aware that I was being teased until my dad or someone else explained it to me. However, personal experience has shown that I usually prefer physical pain over fear and a feeling of isolation. Almost every time I've been involved in a physical confrontation in public, someone has saved me. That totally made up for having to walk with a limp for a while or deal with whatever injuries I sustained because I knew there were a lot of really nice people out there.

That's why it's sad that most of the abuse I've recieved has been verbal. Since it's not as dramatic, people are less likely to come along and help (though a couple times people have stood up for me even when no physical harm was being done). So, that silver lining isn't there any more. Not only that, but it's hard to tell what the proper response is. When someone punches me, I know that I can either run or fight. However, when someone calles me a freak or a ret*d, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I've found that sticking with a group is helpful. For some reason, people are more willing to be verbally aggressive to someone they see along than someone who's with a friend or two (even if those friends are at the bottom of the social heirarchy). I've been involved in a number of programs for people with various socal issues and most of the people in those programs have faced similar challenges. I started meeting up with a few of them after school and found that to be helpful with my social situation. It varies between individuals, but I've found that it's usually easier for me to talk to them than NTs.

About 15 miles from my house, some county organization hosts a weekly game night for people with ASD. I haven't ever actually gone, but if there's something similar in your area, it might be worth checking out.

I hate the way kids can be at that age. I hated it as a kid and I hate it now.

I don't have much to add other than he will be protected more in a group, provided he can find one that will accept him and not target him within the group. I don't know if this is a false generalization, but I noticed as a kid that boy friend groups often have a socially weak member that they seem to pick on.

Edited to add: I thought about this a bit, and i think my own personal experiences colored what I wrote.

It may be that this one kid is an isolated jerk, and it portends nothing. I do not know if you are plugged into the parent network and can somehow find out if this kid has any social capital. I don't think I would want to upset your daughter any more than she already is, but if she brings it up. you might ask her how successful the rude boy is socially. He may well be an outcast himself, and have no influence and not be any kind of reflection of how the other kids treat your son.

I think that using the word "ret*d" in that context is very rude, but I also think many people have become too sensitive to the term as well. It reminds me of George Carlin's old routine on euphemisms...

"No one's deaf anymore in this country; it's hearing impaired. No one's blind, either; its partially-sighted or visually-impaired. No more stupid folks, either; everyone has a learning disorder."

I know such things exist, and as someone with epilepsy and AS, I'm not diminishing the impact of medical conditions...but the PC mindset has really warped how we use various words nowadays.

Since my AS son (13) and NT daughter(14) are only one year apart, she often overhears and witnesses interactions between kids that no one else sees.

She has told me some stories that both break my heart and make me so proud of her. One of the best things I have been able to do is educate her which gives her ammo.

For example, when someone called my son a ret*d, she was able to reply with something like "He has autism, you dummy. You shouldn't talk about things you know nothing about. His IQ is probably higher than yours. And don't you know that saying ret*d for someone who has learning problems is as bad as using the N word for someone who's black. You must be ignorant, in case you didn't know, that means you sound stupid because you've never been taught better."