When. how and who?

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First off, forgive me if this is a topic that has already been discussed but, I'm new around here.

Our son was diagnosed PDD-NOS a couple of years ago (he just turned 9 this past Nov) and while we've had a rough road since then, things have gotten better. Recently it has occurred to me though, and this may sound silly/ridiculous to some, but we have never had a conversation with him about this. Why? Well, I guess we just felt that 1) he wouldn't really understand it 2) he wouldn't really care 3) we didn't want to overload him with something this huge (to us, it's HUGE) when he was so young.

So here's my question... how did you explain to your child their "difference" from others? (I'm sure I'm probably using the wrong terminology for some of this) at what age did you have the conversation? (I notice that a lot of the people who post on here have/ are older than my son) and who gave the talk? Was it you and your spouse? You, your spouse and a counselor or a doctor? And if your aspie child has siblings who are NT how did you explain it to them?

My husband and I are meeting w/ son's teacher on Friday and I plan to ask if we can meet with the counselor to get ideas on how/when to go about having this conversation with him but I wanted to get some ideas/input from people who have already done. Thanks in advance for any and all advice/input.

I wasn't diagnosed until my 40s, so there was no 'conversation' as a kid, though there was also never any illusion that I was anything other than 'different.' My parents didn't have to tell me, it was more than obvious. I stood on the playground at school by myself, or on the periphery of any group, observing, but clueless as to how to interact and become part of the social activity or conversation. Mostly, I went straight to the swings and stayed there, unless a teacher forced me to participate in a kickball game. The only diagnosis I had was given to me by the other kids and it was "Weird."

However, I would suggest that you explain it to him something like this:

"Different people have brains that are wired differently. Sometimes those differences can create problems, like when people with Dyslexia, who have a few wires crossed between their eyeballs and their brain, get certain letters and numbers mixed up and it makes it harder for them to read or do math.

People on the autism spectrum have different brain wiring, that can make us more sensitive to lights or noise, or the way things feel when they touch us, and it can make it harder for us to talk to people we don't know, or change the way we're used to doing things, or keep our attention focused on things that we don't find very interesting.

On the other hand, that same wiring can make us really good at paying very close attention to things we do find interesting, so that when we find something we like, we can learn a whole lot about it in a short amount of time. It also means that we often pick up on sounds and lights that other people don't even notice. Mostly it's like we have a pair of goggles glued to our head that causes us to see the details in stuff that other people can often miss.

But those same goggles can cause us not to see things that other people do see - like how to tell when other people are happy or sad and how to make them feel better; or like noticing when someone else needs our help, or sometimes we don't notice when we're bothering people and we should stop talking so much.

Everybody's brains are wired a little bit differently - most people don't have a name for their brain's settings, but in our case, we know what our type of wiring is called and what it does, both good and bad. It's kind of like being in a special club."

Hope that's helpful.

How does your son like to be given information about himself? My son does well when I minimize the fanfare and speak matter-of-fact, yet I built up to it gradually. If I remember correctly, it went something like this:

1. Now and then, made simple, benign statements about Asperger's or people with Asperger's.
2. Showed him the book, All Cats Have Asperger's. I remarked about how much he loved cats, and how much he was like cats.
3. Told him he has Asperger's and showed him GreenTurtle74's Guide to Asperger's.
4. As thing come up, I may mention what are Aspie traits.

DS made it easy on us -- when he was 6, we had several appointments with a developmental pediatrician, and we used the term "Aspergers" in front of him. The first time, he said, "I don't have burgers -- I don't eat burgers." Later he came out and asked "Do I have Aspergers?" I whipped out a copy of "I'm an Asperger Kid" that I had purchased awhile back (DH had disagreed about reading it to him). When we finished, he said, "That book didn't help me." But at least it got the term out there and opened the door to future conversations.

With a 9 yo, I would suggest this cartoon: http://www.dudeimanaspie.com/2012/04/dude-im-aspie-kids-edition.html (I think Greenturtle is the author).

Willard said it really well - that is basically how I told my 13 year old daughter last fall. I had read a lot about it over a few days and when I felt I had enough information to explain it to her in a way that demonstrated why she was different and the good things about it too, I let her know and she was quite relieved and very accepting about it. She has very good working memory and was able to explain it to others too. She seems very proud to have aspergers.

When my son was 7, the year he was diagnosed, he was collapsing in tears and asking why he wasn't like other children. I think he knew he was different before that, but in 2nd grade it became very hard for him. It was heart wrenching to hear him bawl about how he must be a bad boy because he did things he knew were "bad" but couldn't help it. Having a conversation with him was easy. He was relieved to learn that his brain worked differently than most of his peers and that is why he found some things really hard. I also pointed out that the way his brain works also made him better at certain things (for example, he has a really strong sense of justice and so he is exceedingly fair in his dealings with others. Once, when he was 7, he was in an afterschool program where there were all boys and one girl. He didn't even really like the girl, but when the boys made a "club" and said you had to be a boy to join, he refused to join because he didn't think it was fair for one kid to be excluded over something she couldn't help.) I have always told him I wouldn't want him any other way. He is perfect to me, even if he doesn't fit the "perfect" mold of other people. And I also tell them that even people who seem perfect are not perfect. We all have our own quirks and oddities.

My daughter was diagnosed before she turned 2. She still doesn't know her diagnosis. She is 8 now and in third grade and she is only beginning to realize that she is different than other kids. I mean, she knows she is different, but she sees it as part of "everybody is different." She has school smarts and has problems with social smarts. Other kids have social smarts but have problems with school smarts. No big deal to her. This year, though, I think she is starting to realize that the way that she has social smarts problems is different than the way other kids may not have school smarts. We recently reviewed her report card (above grade in academic areas, below grade in behavioral areas), and I think it is dawning on her that there are things that come naturally to her peers that she really doesn't understand. We started with just saying that her brain works differently and it makes things like art and school stuff really easy for her, but that social things are harder for her to understand, and so she needs more help. The conversation has since progressed to her asking me if there are other things that made her different when she was a baby and a toddler. I explained that she learned to speak later than most kids do and that she didn't learn how to do things like point by herself. I still have not used the word. I don't know why it is so hard with her. But I am answering her questions as frankly as I can and if she asks me outright, of course I will tell her.

When he was 10, my son asked me if he had autism (he doesn't. He has ADHD and NLD). I asked him why he asked and he said that a book he was reading had an autistic character in it and he thought they were alike.

My son strongly believes my daughter has a right to know about her diagnosis. I don't disagree with him. She just has a much different personality than he does, so it is a lot harder.

I think as long as you focus on being factual and being sure to include ways in which his autism is a good thing, you should be OK. For both of my kids, making sure that they understand that their brain works differently, but that it is not broken in any way has been the most important part of the conversation. I also have ADHD and some shadowy traits, so I find my kids feel comforted when they know that I have some of the same issues they do.