tantrum/meltdown when praised for making the right choice???

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Does anyone have this problem? I have a five year old son who is just beginning to slowly stop and think before acting when he is angry..... I am starting to see him do this at least once a week.... when i praise him for doing this he has a fit.... i dont think its really an angry tantrum more like a meltdown like he is confused or maybe mad he didnt do what he wanted to .... i dont know does anyone else have this issue and if so what should i do with that.....thanks....

Is it possible that he is stressed over making decisions? My 8yo has always said that "kids with aspergers have a hard time making decisions" He always worries that he hasn't made the right choice and gets really overwhelmed quite quickly even after he's made the decision. I found it was hardest from ages 5-7 but better now that he's 8. He still has his moments but it's getting a bit easier the older he gets.

I'd say if he keeps his cool...don't say outright that "you avoided a tantrum..good job bud!"...because it seems a bit patronizing...you're son has aspergers I'm assuming.You just need to give him a little room to breathe, he's probably trying to relieve himself of some pressure...and saying that just put's more pressure on him.

...reward him indirectly, maybe wait a bit after he's avoided a meltdown and give him a chocolate bar(or do something with him that he likes). He'll have a positive association with avoiding anger.

....I'm not a parent, I just remember responding in the same way when I was a kid.

ok that all makes sense. thnk you much.....

I remember when I was a kid I hated feeling like my parents were manipulating me into doing what they wanted me to do. I recommend you avoid overtly praising him for "doing the right thing"; perhaps something more understated, like a smile and a hair-ruffle, would suffice; then just move on. That way he can feel that doing the right thing is something he should do because it's right and he wants to, not because you somehow "made" him do it and then "rewarded" him with praise. As another poster stated, it can feel quite patronising, especially when you're a little kid trying to exercise your own will.

well this is what i tried to explain to behavior counselor and she insists on not listening but then again she does not deal with autism only adhd and odd soooo what does she know ...... this is all making sense to me.....and then like later just point it out when going over behavior chart (he responds well to that )

You're wise to go with your gut. My son is a definite extrovert so vocal praise and high fives are a big hit with him but behaviour charts are not. Each child is different and no matter what the experts in your child's life will say, there's no one model that fits all types. Stick with what works for you guys.

You're trying to do the right thing, but you might be dealing with something (meltdowns) that he's very uncomfortable with...they scare the person who is melting down too. Maybe you ought to just let it alone when he's behaving, and not remind him that he misbehaves. My son used to rip up the behavior charts. He's turned into a nice, tractable, nearly calm individual as he's gotten older.
btdt

yeah i could see that but i dont really acknowledge bad behavior i just point out good ones cuz i dont think he understands what he is supposed to do hard to explain

My 8 year old never wants me to acknowledge when he has done something good or right. If i say great job bud he goes crazy, he hates it. i try to explain to him but he doesnt want to hear it so for the most part i just smile at him just to let him know im proud of him, that avoids a tantrum, because we all know it is better to try and avoid them if we can.

ok then that seems to be what i need to do..... i just thought that was odder (is that a word?) than normal but as I am learning I do not need to know why everything is the way it is How to handle it is the important thing thank you all

Adding my own two cents:

I have always loathed being complimented for "doing something right". As far as I can work out by looking back, what went on in my head was

a) They don't trust me. Doing the right thing, or doing a thing well, is the obvious thing to do so I shouldn't need to be complimented on it; it proves that they think I'm immature.

b) They're trying to control me and modify my behaviour; they aren't really happy for ME about what I just did. This is an attempt to ensure I do the same thing every time because it's more convenient for them.

As a ferociously independent child, I had much bigger issues with the effusive "Oh, well done sweetie, good job!" style of reward, perhaps because I didn't sense it as sincere (what's so WONDERFUL AND FANTASTIC about getting an A on a piece of homework? it's not like I discovered the cure for cancer). I'd second the suggestion to give a more subdued "nod and smile", as one adult to another. Sounds like your son is one who finds the act its own reward; he might feel that when you compliment him it takes away from his own personal decision to do well.

I felt the same way as freawaru. Might help if you phrase it differently and say it casually "I like the way you handled that" rather than direct praise that sounds more like a judgment. Hope this makes sense ...

The last 2 posts had some great info there, its so good to hear it from a more mature aspie, where my son is so young i feel he cant explain to me why he doesnt like it when mom says good job bud or mom is so proud of you he really goes on the defensive so i tried the smile and nod and worked out good. Its all trial and error i have come to find out.

well that certainly helps me out... .. i hate knowing he thinks im patronizing him thats not at all what i was doing I was truly excited to see him making a good choice but now I know how he sees it and will try to do better..... I honestly believe thats the answer thank u

When my son scored in the 99% on the SAT and we told him how terrific that was, he said, "Why does everyone say that? What's so great about that?"
Whether it's criticism or compliments, most Aspies seem to hate being judged.