Eating and manners

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I'd love some tips for my teenager so I dont continue to nag nag nag!

Sounds very familiar.

My 12 yeaa old son is really bad. I hate taking him to restaurants because he does the things you mentioned and he also uses his hands instead of silverware, he is really messy so he will almost always get food all over his clothes. He wanders away from the table and comes back. He doesn't seem to care whos food it is sometimes he's not even notice that he's eating off the wrong plate. When he's done he will pick the plate up and lick it. Of course, We do stop him but it's frustrating.

I'd love some good advice on this, too! Have the same problems, including choking! And others kids turning round and staring when we (extremely occasionally ) eat out.

Maybe it is related to "sensory issues".It is believed that many sensory issues are from being over sensitive but can also be from under sensitivity.When you put a "bite" into your mouth....dont you receive a message from your brain if you accidentally put in to big of a bite?I think this is so that we dont choke and is an automatic reflex for most people.For me,that sense is over sensitive.I have been "made fun of" my whole life because I take a long time to eat and must chew every thing very well(more then 30 times,though I dont count, others have in order to tease me about it..... )If I dont chew something well enough,I feel like I am going to choke(though, at the dentist, I have no gag reflex,so I dont know what specifically why food is triggering this.)Because my family has made fun of this quirck,I avoided eating in public when I was a teen because I did care what people thought about me.Your daughter may not care or be unaware of how others perceive her but no one wants to be teased so I think she would want to learn the basic rules.

Unless she has ADD,I would think having some practice in "rules" and explaining why the rules are important, may help?(I personally have problems following rules I think have no "good reason".)

Specific rules in a variety of situations.Practice eating a variety of foods because some aspies are not good at generalizing from one food to another.Each aspie will have their own "motivator" for changing behavior.All I needed was avoidance of my parents being upset with me but some things I could not change no matter how much I wanted to...I HAVE to chew my food.Feeling like you are choking is more painful then my parents or others scorn.

I believe you could find a book or DVD or class on "etiquette",which ever method is less stressful or helps her learn the rules.The irony? is that few of her peers probably know these rules(have you seen teens eat?It's like pigs at a trough)and her new skills maybe more likely to get her made fun of then her lack of skills.If she follows the rules(and many aspies love rules),she may find her self accused of being "stuck-up" and "pretentious".All the attention she uses focusing on the proper way to eat,may take away from her ability to focus on the more subtle aspects of social communication(it is hard to focus on more then one thing at a time,for some of us)So,you can teach her the skills that doesnt come naturally but it maybe at the cost of her attention to her peers conversation.....How many balls can you juggle at the same time?I am a horrid juggler.

On the other hand.Once she becomes comfortable with the skills/rules...they may become second nature(muscle memory)and give her more confident in social situations and allow her to relax enough to focus on other areas of socializing.I am glad my parents taught me the "rules"...the only down-side,is that it annoys me more when others dont follow the rules(most people).I had them so "drilled" into me that seeing others with their elbows on the table or slurping soup can aggravate my need for order and I can become self-righteous....a very annoying trait.

Thanks Krex, you always have go much great information. We went out last night and it was just fine. Had a system set up if one of us was eating too fast or eating too much at once, we would nudge the other as the "signal." It was never needed! I guess just having the plan in place brought the awareness.
Interestingly, turned out the noise was more of an issue. Irish restaurant with live Irish Music but I think the l music was very distracting.

I always thought this was just my daughter being disobedient and a bit of a pig. I never realised it could be linked to her Aspergers. I've got such a lot to learn (she's only just been diagnosed). She is soooooo messy with her food and ALWAYS ends up filthy when she eats (she's 6yrs old). She also always reverts back to eating with her fingers many times during a meal without even seeming to notice in spite of constant reminders.

Perhaps you shall teach your child instead of putting it off that she/he has aspergers. I mean come on. Teach your child some manners, just because she/he has aspergers doesn't mean they are excused from having manners or learning how to have proper table manners.

i have one student who will continue eating even if her hair gets in her face, and subsequently into her food........

My daughter (13) does not know it when she has a nose full and needs to blow it. I never thought it could be related to Asperger's and sensory issues.

Constantly reminding kids to have manners doesn't always work. An adolescent will either tune it out or get resentful. Sometimes it is a good idea to discuss what is expected before going out to dinner.
Another idea is to go to a place where it doesn't matter if they pick up their food with their fingers eg. a Pizza Restaurant.

It's true that young people often eat noisily and talk with their mouths full, and bolt their food.
Putting the elbows on the table is ubiquitous. I'd say the major thing to concentrate on is eating at a reasonable pace.

Really noisy places are liable to freak out people with Aspergers. Even when I enjoy the food, I hate noisy "family" restaurants because even when there isn't a kid screaming, I know sooner or later there will be and I get more and more agitated and anxious.

Ironically, it is sometimes better to go to a more exclusive restaurant and on a quiet night.
Another strategy is to have a mock restaurant meal at home and role play how to act when one goes to a real restaurant. This is more likely to work with older children and more high functioning Aspies.

It's not a good idea to take really little kids to noisy family restaurants or even older kids if the noise will upset them. It will become stressful and aggravating for everybody concerned.