Crisis with my son and his gf.

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Thought I'd post it here and folks with older kids or those who have been in my kids situations myself please answer. They have been together since November and she lives here. They are both 19. She's his first gf, and a little on the heavy side, but she's very pretty and she knows how to handle him very well. He fell ass backwards into this. Well now she's all causet up in having the guido boyfriend, which he so is, and does identify with but she doesn't know how to chill about it and not make his guidoness a big thing.

If I was there I'd give him a high five. Thats all I have to add

She likes guidos, he's a guido, but you'd prefer she didn't always view him as a stereotype. Understandable, but where's the crisis?

Don't tell me he has a Monte Carlo and wears leisure suits LOL

First of all, men think differently than women. Unless they look like George Clooney, they don't usually have the luxury to care why a woman likes then. They're just happier than a pig in a mud wallow that someone is actually interested in them. In your son's case, if she likes him because he's a guido (what's that?), it's still good enough. Second, your son is doing way better than I did at his age. You said that his girlfriend is very pretty; my first girlfriend at age 23 wasn't good-looking at all. (Although by then, I outgrew stupid things like checking a map when planning dates to avoid areas where my friends hang out.) So if anything, I'd give him a congratulatory handshake and a manly pat on the back, and leave it at that. Let him have his first relationship (and sexual) experience.

Is the problem that he isn't offended and he ought to be; or that he is offended and does not know how to handle it?

I would not want my son viewed as an ethnic stereoytype, either, but I am not sure if he shouldn't be allowed to figure it out on his own.

Given that she lives with you, though, if she says something way out of line in your presence, it might not hurt to make some kind of dry comment.

I guess I need more details b/c the decision to say or not to say anything is kind of nuanced.

***When I was a bit younger than your son is now, I had a "bf" for a very short time who was a little bit too interested in my ethic background in a way that was not so great. (Prejudiced, but interested---if you know what I mean) If my mom had known, she would have went ballistic. I don't know what the hell I was thinking other than I had decided to overlook it. The whole thing imploded for other reasons, but I am glad I didn't have anyone mixing in. Of course that situation was different because we were no way going to co-habitate or anything. It wasn't necessarily a good indicator of self-esteem on my part, but I think self-esteem was something I needed to work out on my own. Anyway, not meaning to bore you with that, other than to tell you what my perspective is in trying to answer the question.

A "guido" is a stereotypical, urban Italian guy who drives souped-up cars and has some kind of good-luck charm on his front mirror. At least in past years, they had a strong tendency towards wearing tight polyester pants and tightly-wound shirts. They are most prevalent in the NYC/New Jersey area. In the 1970's, they tended to drive Chevy Monte Carlos.

If you've seen "Saturday Night Fever," the teenaged characters are supposed to be "guidos."

My husband's ethnicity (his accent, actually) was one of the first things that attracted me to him. Some people are attracted to physical qualities, some people are attracted to money or power, some people are attracted to a good sense of humor, etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, per se. It's only a problem if the relationship doesn't progress past that initial admiration into a deeper appreciation of the unique individual. Perhaps that's what you sense is going on with your son's gf? You feel she views him as interchangeable with other "guido" men?

Is the real crisis here that you do not want him to be a 'guido'?

Never mind.

Last edited by HisMom on 29 Apr 2014, 8:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The crisis is, he is a guido, he knows he is, he's happy being one, but she won't shut up about it. Every little thing has to be guido geared. She can't let him chill and just enjoy being who he is without several times a day bringing up the fact that her bf is Italian or pointing out something he likes or does is "so guido" and she does that because she likes him being that. She needs to just be quiet about it and enjoy it. She wants to guido him up even more so but there isn't a whole lot left to do to make him more of one except move him to NY or NJ and get him on a reality show. Her keeping on about it, even in a good way, is making him uncomfortable. Otherwise they are great together.

I've showed her how to make every dish he likes. She knows how to buy clothes for him. She knows when to shut up and leave him alone when he's with his friends or playing his games. She knows not to stick her nose in his business. But every time she sees something she notices as guido, she says "Awwww, thats so guido. I love having a guido boyfriend. I'm just scared you're gonna leave me for somebody better looking" and he tells her no, he's not, he loves her.

So the crisis is, she's stuck on one little part of him, although she loves all of him, and it's bothering him.

Give your son a script to have a conversation with her about it: "You know, I am happy that you like how guido I am, but it actually makes me uncomfortable that you mention it so much. Could you please tone it down?" He can be gentle about it, preferably mentioning it when no one else is around.

If he has to fill in "why," he can just say that focusing on any one aspect of who he is makes him less whole and loveable.

I would tell him that he should be honest with her about how he feels about it. If he needs help being diplomatic, and he asks, you can help him word something. If they are living together, (even if it is with you) he needs to figure out how to tell her when things bother him.

OK, he is good looking and not just because I'm his mom. He's had girls all over him for years but he's just now got interested in them. He looks like a cross between the one singer in One Direction and one of the Gotti boys. He dresses like the Gotti boys too. Yes. That is a guido. He wears good jeans, good shoes, but to top it off he usually wears a black or white undershirt wife beater. When he goes out he wears a nice button up shirt thats a little too big and tucked in with the sleeves rolled up some and unbuttoned a bit more than normal. Yes to the jewelry. A horn on a gold chain, a bracelet, a nice watch and sometimes a ring, and always an earring. His hair is perfect standup messy bedhead. He works out but he's tall and skinny but he does have the arms and the gut. He's naturally dark olive so he doesn't tan. We have no gym here to go to so he doesn't go to one, he has weights in his room.

He's the one I think is the slight aspie, which I've noticed over the years. He's so freaking picky about everything and when things, anything at all, go wrong, it's the end of the world. I've seen him cry in a shoe store last year when me and my oldest daughter took him shoe shopping because he was so frustrated that they didn't have the exact one pair in his size in the color he wanted and for some reason the other pair that I couldn't tell the defference in just wouldn't do. He threw a fit and slammed out of the place and sat in the car crying and punching the airbag thing and couldnt talk for a few. Over shoes. Thats why I don't go shopping with him. That kind of behavior and the holding grudges for years and taking such offence to absolutely nothing is why I think he's an aspie.

She's done a lot for him to make him grow up. He really loves her. He's been out here talking to me on nights when he's had vodka and since he doesn't really drink he's a lightweight and a little just gets him openeing up and he's told me how much he loves her and they are going to get married and everything and how perfect she is for him. Our whole family loves her for him. She's gotten him to eat green food before and to try other food besides whats in his usual acceptable food diet. She's making him go get an actual legitimate job. We love her. But the crisis is because it's making him uncomfortable for her to constantly talk about his guidoness in front of him. I told her talk to me about it, talk to his sisters about it, we all know and it's fine. It bothers him.

He was going to get a car but he's afraid to drive. I've tried and tried to teach him but he just can't. I end up screaming PULL THE f**k OVER NOW BEFORE WE DIE! because he sucks at it. So he can't get his dream car, the IROC Z. Although he's fine with her driving him around in it, which is a sort of unguido trait there.

Thats the crisis. She's making him feel uncomfortable and she's already insecure that he's with her. So telling her to shut the f*** up about it to him will only upset her. Accept the fact that he's a guido, do not try to become a guidette because he already likes her as a GRITS, and be happy. Although she does wear some guidette stuff, in fact she dresses like a stripper a lot of times.

So what do I say to her? How to I convince her to just chill about him and enjoy and accept the love and not worry. Because he talks to me more than any of my other kids do. If he has a problem with her, I'll know it before she does. Again, guidos talk to their mothers about their girlfriends way before they talk to their girlfriends.

I can understand your son's discomfort. Is the only reason she cares for him is because he seems "guido" and that's the only catch? What if he decided to change his style? Would she cease to care for him? It seems her interest is based on a superficiality. It's a legitimate concern.

It's ot a style, he's been this all his life. It's an identity.