should separated parents do celebrations together?

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After relationship breakdown, is it better for children to do different separate birthdays / christmas or should parents try and get on and host things together?

Is it ok to risk rowing if a party/outing is done together or better to play it safe but not have both parents there?

My parents are with me at the same time on my birthday, but they aren't on Christmas.

I like having both, because I feel like that's just how it's supposed to work, but I'm more attached to one parent than the other anyway, because one was gone for the military and work a lot and then stopped living with me.

If you can do it together without having an issue then I think its best to do it that way, takes some of the awkwardness out of trying to balance two families. Feel more like a loved and wanted child then some hot potato.

Depends on whether or not they can get along.

My folks did my birthday, my mom's birthday, and Mothers' Day together, sometimes Christmas and Thanksgiving (we also did separate stuff).

I ate it up with a spoon. I loved the "together" celebrations, and I loved the "Daddy's people" and the "Mom's people" celebrations too. I think I loved the "Daddy's people" celebrations best, though-- and they would not have been the same if my mom had been there. It would have been awkward-- my mom hated my dad's sister with a purple jealous passion.

But my parents, for all they sucked at being married, were really really good at being divorced.

Not everyone can do that. Better separate celebrations than fighting, snide digging, and (worst of all IMO) forced-polite tension.

Double on the latter if you're talking about a spectrum kid.

That would have been AWFUL!! !!

thanks

I shall attempt to do my little boys birthday together but Ive warned my ex to put our son first and hold back on his cross thoughts and if he cant then I will tell him to go home.

I think in future we would be best to do the things seperate as we row too much. I wish his parents were more supportive as it would be easier for him to do things for our sons if they helped, and its lonely for him too.

My parents divorced with I was in college, so it's a little different. But I can tell you that the divorce was not at all amicable. The only times they've been in the same room together since the divorce (that was 25 years ago) was: 1) my college graduation, 2) my wedding, 3) the birth of my first child, and 4) just before my brother deployed to Iraq. Each time was quite stressful on us kids, even though they did try their best to get along.

With your child being so young, he may not pick up on the tension, at least not yet. And maybe you and your ex can work through your do-we-get-along issues by the time he is old enough to pick up on it.

It depends - are the parents able to hang out together without getting into arguments and ruining the occasion? If you can't stand to be around each other, your kids won't enjoy being with both of you at once.

I can't speak to this issue directly as I've never dealt with it but I would say this:

If you think you might have to send your ex home, don't do it. If it is even a remote possibility, don't do it. Better to have separate celebrations than to risk "cross words" that might become the focus of the day rather than the child's birthday.

May I ask if you're posting here because of a child on the spectrum, or because the adults are on the spectrum? The reason I ask: a child on the spectrum will probably have a significantly harder time with a "ruined" birthday where a family member got sent away than an NT child (though neither would benefit.)

See if you can celebrate something less high-stakes, like the Fourth of July, without incident. I'd start slowly and with events that are less consequential and once you're successful at sharing those amicably and without incident move towards birthdays and kid-centered holidays like Christmas later.

My parents never did anything together once they split. Around the time they broke up, they hated each other's guts, and though my father's attitude on the whole situation has settled, my mother still holds a grudge against him. She has flat-out told me that she never wants to speak to him ever again.

Glad it went well, anyway! (The good thing about the adults in this situation having AS is that - hopefully - you can sit down dispassionately and figure out what will work in a logical manner. Kids aren't as adept at cost-benefit analyses. Looks like you're well on the way.)