Camp complains son's behaviour was "sexually inappropri

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He was sent home on his first day of camp because they said he was behaving in a "sexually-inappropriate manor". So what was he doing? He was touching a girl's hair repeatedly. He has a 1:1 support worker with him, so I really have no idea how this was happening repeatedly anyway (wouldn't they just separate him???), but apparently it was. As soon as they said that, I knew exactly whose hair he was touching. I saw her when I dropped him off and immediately knew he'd want to touch her hair. She's black and she has that hairstyle with millions of skinny braids, which would be interesting to him on its own, but in addition, she has lots of sparkly beads in the braids. OF COURSE he wanted to touch her hair. He loves looking at sparkly beads. The reason I don't believe it to be sexual is that he loves looking at strings of beads that are not attached any human...

They didn't kick him out forever, but they did reprimand me over the phone for his heathenish behaviour and suggested he write an apology note to the girl as well as be punished. The apology note I can go with, because I understand that she didn't like it, and her feelings should be respected... but I feel like they're blowing this way out of proportion. I'm not saying it's impossible that he was being sexually inappropriate "because no child of mine would ever do such a thing". I just think in this particular instance, it's not. He just likes sparkly beads, and lacks the social skills (and impulse-control) to not touch her hair if it has beads in it. Is that really that bad?

(ETA) Tomorrow, in addition to apology letter, I am planning to send him with a string of beads to hold so hopefully that helps. I also suggested they separate him from the girl and they said "okay". So hopefully tomorrow goes better.

He's 12 years old, by the way. Classic autism.

I have mixed emotions on this. On the one hand feel like a bad mother, but on the other, feel annoyed with the camp for their reaction.

Thoughts?

You aren't a bad parent.

At this point in time where too many in the world see a child biting a PopTart into the shape of a gun and demand the child's prosecution, I amn't surprised with any (health, education, government) provider's Chicken Little antics.

I agree with you. Write the apology, but you might tell them that, "on the advice of" your legal counsel, any punishment will come from you if you believe that it is necessary and warranted, not them. Watch how fast they back down.

Last edited by AspieUtah on 30 Jun 2014, 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

What sort of a camp was it? If it wasn't a specialty camp for kids with autism, I can see why they would've viewed it that way. You may have to explain, and you're definitely going to have to talk with the support worker to find out why he wasn't separated.

You're not a bad mother, and they reacted in a way that'd be appropriate if he weren't autistic. It sounds like they just don't get it.

It is mixed ability camp- they have more kids with special needs (also mixed) there than *you'd normally find, but there are also typically developing kids (mostly siblings of kids with special needs). He's never gone to it before.

I didn't know touching someone's hair was sexual behavior. I guess at a certain age it becomes sexual and I think they over reacted. It may not have been sexual for him but because of his age, they looked at it differently. But with what aspieUtah said, I agree because even kids young as four have been accused of doing sexual harassment and I am like "WTF" and they have to involve the police for it. At least they only sent your kid home than calling the cops and having him get charged with sexual harassment. I don't know if it was because of his autism or because they don't take it that far like some places do. But I think it should be handled that way either with any child.

I would also try and teach your child about touching other peoples hair. I used to do this all the time because I always got the urge to do it and it would drive me crazy if I didn't touch it and thank goodness I got more control as I got older. Even if he may know it's wrong, the urge may still be too strong for him to not do it.

In terms of how to treat it - it should be handled the same as other inappropriate stims. Give him an appropriate alternative, some sort of stim toy that checks all the same boxes for him (sparkly, bendy, etc.).

Then discuss it with the 1 on 1 (and their supervisor), and make sure that they are on top of him while he's at that camp.

Depending on his verbal skills, you could also make a social story explaining that he can't touch people's hair, but he can ask for his stim toy if he needs it.

"Heathenish." "Sexual harassment?" Really? It does not sound like they have a good handle on autism. I agree that it is inappropriate behavior, but I think that the aide is the one who is primarily at fault for this happening repeatedly. I agree with your idea of sending him with a string of beads. Hopefully that and keeping the 2 kids separate will fix the problem.

This is the camp's fault. Why do they expect an autistic kid to act NT? Why wasn't his aide able to handle what was really a very minor problem? They reprimanded YOU? ppfffffft. They need to do their jobs and stop blaming their ineptitude on parents.

First of all, I did not know that 12-yr-olds could be "sexual" and indulge in "heathen" behaviour.

Second of all, he had an aide, for crying out loud. What was she doing when your son was touching the girl's hair ? Catching a few winks ?

As for writing an apology letter, who is the apology really coming from ? Does the child even understand that what he did was allegedly "sexually inappropriate" ? If he does not get it, then how can he apologize for indulging in that behaviour ? Catch my drift ?

I would write a note of explanation that he likes sparkly things that move and shake - regardless of where they are found - and that you are sending appropriate stim toys for him to use so that he wouldn't be stimming on the girl's hairdo

Oh, BTW, who provided that aide ? Was it you ? If the camp provided her to help your child, then I would have some words with them about one of THEIR employees.

Re twelve year olds.... You have something new to research, then.

Some children have begun to explore their sexuality at this age. Not everyone enters puberty at the same age and once tha chemistry starts cooking a whole chain is set in motion.

That realist doesn't make what the did rational or right in any way. I would not send him back into the care of these ignorant people.

As for the "heathen" part, that seems to suggest a religious camp or camp staff. This sort of judgmental labeling is probably inevitable in that context.

As far as them asking that he write a note, I think thats a good idea, no problem with that.
Separating out what your son did - which was clearly annoying and inappropriate, what is of real concern to me is this:

- By using the phrase 'sexually inappropriate' they have made allegations of a serious nature, and you cannot be allowed to invoke a phrase like that without being able to substantiate it.
- If your child has classic Autism he may be unable to provide any defence against their allegations, which makes you and him vulnerable.

This is what I'd be doing, I'd ask that they either provide detail of what happened which clearly shows that it was of a sexual nature (and not something more innocent as is far more likely the case) and therebye back up their allegations - or alternatively they must withdraw those allegations and apologise to YOU.

I'd also ask what was the 'aide' doing while this apparent 'sexual' misconduct was happening and unable to intervene or do the most basic of redirection?! ! Chewing gum and texting all day?

Last edited by nostromo on 01 Jul 2014, 6:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

I say the apology to the girl needs to come from the adults who said they were competent to take care of autistic kids in this environment. I would not send him back, and I would ask for money to be returned. Don't get mad. I'm sure simple mistakes were made - unintentionally.

I left my kid at a NT camp with specific instructions to make sure there was no bullying and make sure he was not starved. One kid, upon finding that he was homeschooled, let out a continuous stream of cussing while jumping on my son's bed. Did this several times during the week. Also, he was so hungry he didn't go on the field trip. They say they can take care of these kids but they have no idea.

This is sexual discrimination. If he were a girl he would have just been asked to stop repeatedly. Since hes a boy it becomes something else, but solely in the minds of the people working there. I doubt he was thinking much of anything other than "hair... beads... nice...." Or whatever these kids think about when in sensory mode. You would THINK with it being a camp of mixed ability that they would have gotten this by now because honestly... you really think this is the first time a boy got fascinated by a girls hair there?

The camp did not handle that well. You must be very upset. I don't have experience with this. But as someone who worked at camps for typical learners in my youth I can say that, and I know the environment is different, but from the description you provided it does not sound like they did much to a) prevent this, b) deal with it. There must have been different areas if even in the same room where the kids could have done their activities or worked on whatever. Also, not only does your child have a 1 to 1 person but there must be other adults in the room who should be shepherding the kids through their day. That means they had more than 100% coverage over the situation. I have to admit I never had a problem that parents weren't aware of before hand and they warned me about ahead of time. And the fact that they said it was sexually inappropriate is worrysome. Is there more going on? As a parent I would almost want to be there to see what exactly was going.

I would certainly confirm with the camp that your child has a dedicated support person and isn't unofficially sharing, and to make sure they have a plan in place.

I'm going to play a little bit of devil's advocate here. Keep in mind that I do agree that the camp's reaction was inappropriate and should be addressed: if they are a camp specializing in mixed-needs kids, they need to be better prepared to handle situations of this nature.

First of all, from what I understand from my African-American girlfriends, touching hair is a very serious affront. It can have implications far beyond the intent of the person doing so, because in this country we have a history of treating African-American women as non-persons who don't have the right to bodily autonomy. It may be that the girl or the girl's family applied the sexual label to the incident because the girl or her family took it that way - and its important to remember harassment gets defined by the recipient. (if the tables were turned, wouldn't you want your son to be able to define the behavior that upset him?)

Second, it's not beyond reason to correlate hair touching with a sexual advance - it's a gesture that is rarely made between males and females outside of that context. The book "A Five Is Against The Law," a book I recommend you purchase and go over with your son, mentions hair touching explicitly; it's written for kids that are more towards the classic side of the spectrum (although I got it for my son, who's in the AS range.)

Now, all of that said, I understand completely that this was an innocent gesture by your son, who was interested in this girl's hair completely outside the context of the situation - but you do need to look at his behavior from the other point of view: it probably doesn't matter to the girl what his reason is, if she doesn't want her hair to be touched, it shouldn't be touched, and the camp is probably not prepared to police this type of behavior, which speaks a lot to their expectations of special needs kids maybe being too high.

I'd ask for a meeting with the camp director and explain what was causing your son's behavior (sparkly beads,) your side of the situation, your concerns that the aide was not being attentive enough to stop this behavior, and ask them if they have experience with kids with classic autism. Let them know that you chose this camp because you expected them to be able to redirect your son's hyperfocus when it lands on something inappropriate, and you're concerned about the way this was handled and framed. A behavior like this should not happen "repeatedly," as you would expect the camp to do something about it the moment it became a problem. You should also say that since the camp framed this as a sexual issue, you're now concerned about your son being bullied by other kids, and you'd like to know what their plan is to manage that.

^^^

I agree with this, with an emphasis of how badly the camp messed this up. The girl and her family had a right not to want this contact. The camp should have framed it in a different way. It sounded like the camp was characterizing it that way and it shows a complete lack of understanding of autism for a place that supposedly is a mixed camp.

It would not have been hard for the camp to describe what happened, talk about why this is an issue, and have a constructive talk about how to endeavor to prevent this in the future, with the OP. Also the aide screwed up. "Heathenish" is a ridiculous word, particularly for this. It sounds like the way Olde Time missionaries are depicted as speaking when they run into naked people on an island, don't attempt to learn about the culture, and are patronizingly trying to "civilize" and Christianize them.