I'm just so discouraged

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I have a teenage daughter (15) who was diagnosed with ASD/Aspergers in April 2014. She is also diagnosed with ADHD/Anxiety/Panic and has been identified as gifted. The challenges we are facing are overwhelming. She's in a regular, mainstream high school (Grade 10), but is having trouble with English and other non-fact based courses. She also has personality conflicts with some of her teachers. Unfortunately, there are no ASD/Asperger specific programs where we live. I received a call from her school today to discuss her completing her English class in the resource room independently as she now refuses to attend the class. I am on a first name basis with the entire special ed department at her school.

I had her seeing a psychologist briefly for help in managing her anxiety, but I ran out of benefits before much progress could be made. I had her pediatrician refer her to the hospital's Child and Family Mental Health clinic for assistance covered by OHIP, but was advised yesterday that she didn't meet their criteria. She was also turned down for the Disability Tax Credit as they stated they don't consider academic issues a severe disability although her many other difficulties were also outlined. The denial leaves me without the funds to get her private therapy.

I'm just so discouraged and don't know where to turn anymore. The local Autism organization really has nothing to offer besides workshops on various topics for parents. The teen groups they run are fully booked and not close by. They offer no counseling resources and none of the places they have referred me to can offer assistance. It seems my daughter is too high-functioning to fit the criteria for help.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to get that out there

I am sorry to hear all this. Not having resources to access is very isolating at a time you really need to feel supported.

My son had the same issues with English classes starting in 6th grade and my answer was to basically take the courses with him (without physically attending class), and then talk about his homework with him. I read every book he read, and dissected pages and paragraphs with him. It was a HUGE investment; I'd say it was about a year or a year and a half where I not only did that, but also worked nightly with him helping track homework assignments, helping him mitigate stress (deciding when it was time to take a walk together, etc), and so on. I was his study partner until he could cover the developmental gap and be where he needed to be to keep up on his own. Without that, he would have gotten discouraged and mentally dropped out - I saw him starting to do that, and so the mama bear in me came out, and he became practically my full time job.

I know that sounds huge, but it worked. It evolved to where it became obvious I wasn't needed anymore. And this kid has now completed AP English Composition, getting a very good score on the AP test. He was going to take AP English literature, too, but there was just too much work load - you'll never get around the fact that a child who has stress issues isn't going to be able to take on everything they theoretically are capable of; they have to pace things out more carefully; that just "is."

Sometimes we parents can actually accomplish a lot more than any professional can, if we can find a way to find the time. We need support, too, simply because we can't possibly know everything or how to approach everything, but never underestimate what you can do by investing time with your child. Assuming, of course, that she will let you - I also have a teenage daughter (not ASD) so I know how different the mother-daughter relationship can be, and how much stronger the child's need to pull away from you is! Is she like that, refusing help from you?

I would also consider posting at school - or a neighboring school - to see if anyone there would be interested in acting as a tutor. If you could find the right personality match there, it would cost much less than hiring a professional. The key, of course, will be the right personality match. Someone with a lot of patience and the ability to explain things in multiple ways should be able to help your daughter with the types of issues in English that you've mentioned.

Good luck, I hope you can find a solution.

I'm just so discouraged and don't know where to turn anymore.

Counseling may sound appealing, but it may not be the best first place to start. Your daughter is going to have to learn to take responsibility for her life and one of the ways to learn to do this is to learn how to solve problems like the English teacher.

If she is having problems with other teacher, she may use those people as experiments to learn how to manage to cope with difficult people. If the English teacher is the worst one, you might want to use that as an experiment to explore alternatives.

For example, the school may allow you to drop the English class if you have her complete one on line.

I assume you are not able to home school.

Learning to manage frustrations with people can be difficult. I once worked with a guy who quit the Navy after 19 years. I asked him why he couldn't make the last year and get his retirement. He said he would have killed him (referring to his last commander).

You may want to take your daughter to something like Toastmasters club where people learn to feel comfortable in public speaking. Exposure to a completely different environment may work wonders to help her put her school frustrations in perspective.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. You didn't say why she doesn't like English - that would be where I would start - if it is just the teacher, like you said a personality conflict, then perhaps allowing her to complete the coursework without that teacher to supervise is the answer. Another idea would be to move her to a different english class - if there are others available.

If that isn't possible check into online english courses and see if the school would allow her to complete one of those instead. She could work on it at school in the resource room during her english class period and that would get her away from the teacher.

If it is more than just the teacher - that may be the excuse she gives, but not actually be the problem - you may need to dig a bit deeper. Does she have trouble reading the assigned books? Get books on tape - does she have a hard time taking notes - let her record the class - Does she have trouble writing the papers - get Dragon Naturally Speaking or let her dictate the papers to you while you type them.

You have found a great resource here at WP and while there don't appear to be any local resources - you may be surprised to find a lot of other parents who are having the same problems- perhaps you can get together and share ideas?

I hope this was helpful - don't give up - you will find a way to help your child.