bad meltdowns at end of school day

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So lately when I've been picking up dd7 she becomes very upset if she thinks we are even a minute late getting out of the school. In fact lateness had been a bit off a thing lately, inducing meltdowns if she's a minute late to art, or two minutes late getting to class from lunch. Today apparently issues started in gym when she thought some kids were playing four square unfairly and she thought they intentionally slighted her. This got her pretty upset and then she basically started meltdown. By the time I got to school to pick her up, she was an utter wreck. But then she got mad at me because we had to stay after the bell- we had to stay because she was in no shape to go any where. She was rolling on the floor squealing. She then became very abusive and started hitting, kicking, and biting. I'm fairly dinged up. She demanded that I make up her lost time that I was wasting. I obviously refused and stuck with it. She now, hours later, still blames the students who slighted her during the four square game and thinks I should compensate her. I'm obviously not going to do that. I have no clue how to handle this anymore. Her end of day meltdowns always include some bizarre circular thinking, perseveration, and the idea that she's due some reward. I never give in. Yet it keeps happening. The worst is the hitting and violence. I try to get away, but she just comes after me, or who ever is closest...

Our last year in public school, we had those kind of end of day meltdowns. He was always very conscious of the time school ended and it would be very bad if it was delayed for whatever reason...children being slow..kids blocking their class in the hall...etc. He also did this for recess, too.

One day they stupidly tried to give him ST at recess b/c of their own scheduling issues, and you can imagine what happened.

In our case, the reason was because it was very hard for him to get through the day, be compliant enough not to get in trouble, and just deal with all the sensory issues, social issues et al. So his issue with time and time precision became much worse because he really counted on those breaks. We became unable to go anywhere after school, like a doctor's appt without giving him tons of heads up, and even then it was iffy. He needed to be home ASAP. He even complained about it if traffic made him late.

It could very well be just the regular aspie time precision thing, but it is something that can be exacerbated by stress, so I think I would ask her if anything unusual or upsetting has been going on and maybe do some sleuthing just to make sure that it is not a stress issue.

As to how to deal with it, honestly given our situation, I honestly just tried to make sure there were no delays on my end until we got through it. I tried desensitizing him gradually by taking him to the park at that time, but it was no go. He still wants to be home at that time of day, even now, out of habit, and we homeschool now. He uses that hour after school to just chill. We have succeeded in going to fun places,within that time frame, but never at exactly that time.

If you can introduce some flexibility, gradually, that is probably the best thing to do. It is what I tried and failed doing. If your child is less stressed/more flexible though it might work.

She is ok if we don't go directly home (she will complain, but will deal especially if she has a book she can read). I think it's about getting OUT of school.

Is there anyway to get her to be less violent towards me an others during meltdowns? I'm seriously bruised up today. Looks like I played rugby.

I think different children respond to different things. My son cannot read facial expressions, so in addition to my warning face, which I hope he eventually figures out, I hold up one finger and warn him not to be physical. Sometimes, depending on what I think he will do and if I think he is a bit farther in the meltdown process, I will just say "calm" as a short code word or "snuggle gently" (He often does a rough snuggle thing that he doesn't think is violent, but is really rough.) It works if I catch him early enough. If your daughter is in full-blown meltdown mode when she comes racing out of school, it will be harder b/c she has to have the awareness and ability to stop.

What generally calms her? I would try to have calming objects, if she has any, in the car to bring with me.

There's not much that will make a meltdown less violent. Preventing the meltdown means figuring out what is stressing her out at school (probably lots of things) and addressing the root cause of the stress. Hard to do, I know. Do you have a Plan B option for if this school situation doesn't work out?

You might try reading Lost at School, and see if that method can help you figure out what is going wrong at school.

Can you come to school with some sort of lovey or fidget? We used to have those on the way to school, and somebody here suggested giving him a square of bubble wrap to pop. Ideally, someone at school would give that to her before you get there - it seems she's really struggling with transitioning out of school.

I know this doesn't really help, but keep in mind that all of this is coming at you because you are her only safe place - so even though it doesn't stop the bruises, you are doing something right. The intensity of the outbursts at home are because she's been holding it together trying to be "good" all day long, and she's used up all her energy doing that by the end of the day. One of our therapists used to liken it to holding a beach ball under water.

The next issue is to troubleshoot through the school day to find out what is causing her frustration. For instance, DS also had endless trouble with foursquare - kids often use it to bully. Here's an article on Peaceful Playgrounds that shows how just entering a game can be incredibly complicated, even for NT children http://www.peacefulplaygrounds.com/lear ... layground/ Now add to that how the "king" in foursquare can change the rules whenever they want...you can see how a child who has a rigid idea of rules would get frustrated.

Does she have support at school for social skills and pragmatic speech? How did the school respond to the four square incident (at our school, it became such a problem for so many kids that they made rules about it - it wasn't just my kid who was struggling.)

It also sounds like she's having difficulty orienting herself through the day, and isn't sure what is expected of her when. A visual schedule of the day really does help with that, as well as an explanation of places where she may have to be flexible (e.g. "you may have to wait after the bell, but I will be there before X happens"

I love this article, it really shows how rigidity, meltdowns, and a lack of communication skills can be a part of this behavior: http://www.oneplaceforspecialneeds.com/ ... utism.html

I also recommend taking a look at the indexed post stickied at the top of this board; there's a lot of threads about violent behavior that are very helpful.