Dealing with Neurotypical Parents

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A few words of wisdom would be nice. My parents are, as the subject line says, Neurotypical. Ever since I was diagnosed with Aspergers, they have appeared to start treating me like some kind of alien larvae. It's incredibly annoying to have to deal with my two parents (as well as my sister), that constantly make cracks about my Aspergers, and keep thinking I'm acting like a child for disagreeing with them on everything. I am 17, and I really can't wait until I'm 18. I honestly have no plan for the future, but I can't handle this another minute.

I've given up hope for them honestly just leaving me alone and letting me do my thing instead of constantly trying to force me to do stuff. The little "abrasives" I hear on a daily basis from my entire family is just not feeling nice. I honestly, do not want to change. I like having Aspergers for various reasons. Is there some way that I could get them to leave me alone? Out of the many people I'm mute with, my parents are somehow not one of them. This is how ridiculous it is now. I care about my parents, but they constantly interpret things that I'm not saying and get mad about it. For example, I cussed accidentally in front of my mom becuase I almost tripped, and she got mad at me for thinking I cussed her out, even though I was not even aware of where she was at the time. So I proceeded to explain to her that I didn't cuss at her, I cussed next to her. Then the yelling started and the bad feelings and so on.

Any advice is appreciated.

The last bit you wrote just seems like a typical argument a parent would have with their teenage child.
As for the first bit. Have you tried telling them that you are the same person you were before the diagnosis and you just want to be treated normally because the way they are behaving is bothering you?

Yes. I have explained such things and have poured out my feelings on many occasions, with the reply "you have no idea what you're talking about" resonating in my ear every time.

My suggestion is that you draft a letter to your parents that expresses what you most want them to hear, and then post it (with identifying specifics edited out) so that we can help you "translate" it into "NT speak" or "parent speak" depending upon which most fits each item. That way you will have a solid script that can't be misinterpreted.

I have a 17 year old son, too, and I think my husband and I are a little better at communicating with him than it seems your parents are with you. But that was a process. Changing how one thinks isn't something that happens the moment you find out your child has a diagnosis. Parents will research it all and try to understand, but how much they will eventually understand will vary by where they have done their research and how well they can adapt to the child in front of them. I really had to turn my ideas about parenting and communicating completely upside down in order to be successful with my son, and that was something I did on instinct, not because any professionals were able to tell me how to do it (in fact some professional advice was downright destructive). My guide was always my son: if we were butting heads and getting frustrated, I knew I had to try something different. Him and I will never, ever think a-like and there are many things we will never agree on, but there is a lot of mutual respect and love there, and the conversations we have are fascinating. Hopefully you can reach a place like that with your parents; we will be happy to help you try.

They're more understanding now, but the order of the day growing up seemed to be "ignore it and it will go away". If I was interacting incorrectly or not at all, I was wrong.

I don't think it is an NT parent thing so much as how your specific parents react and interpret.

I am not NT, but from my experience on this board, not all NT parents do what yours do.

Belittling you and your AS is not OK. This is also not the typical (NT or AS) parental response. That sounds like a form of bullying. It is common for parents to be confused about what to do with a diagnosis. That said, your judgement/opinions are no more or less valid than before diagnosis. You are the same person. Theoretically, they should just have more insight. It should not be used as an excuse to demean you and dismiss what you say.

(Sometimes autistic people, myself included, can interpret social interactions incorrectly. Sometimes parents will attempt to ask questions to gauge that and might interpret it differently. That should be done cautiously and respectfully. As in, "Are you sure X person did not intend Y?" It is not a reason to dismiss every conclusion made as wrong, but maybe shed more light. That does not seem like what you are describing.)

In addition some people have a problem with their kids having a diagnosis. It is embarrassing to them, or they think it makes the person less or weak b/c the parents have a survival of the fittest mentality. This is not an NT thing so much as a closed minded way of thinking. Not all NTs are like this.

Edited for horrific typing

What is it they are trying to make you do and what is it that you do not want to change? Please be honest.

I don't really have much to contribute, as I am NT with a much younger AS son, but I wanted to reply and send you a virtual ((hug)). It is never easy when your family, the ones who you feel should understand you the best, actually get you the least. I hope that some of the suggestions from the other posters prove fruitful and you are able to improve understanding and communication.

Is there anyone else in your family, such as grandparents or aunts/uncles whom you could discuss things with, who might be able to act as a bridge between you and your parents?

Good luck.

It's cool to see all these responses. I haven't been able to log on becuase of moving and no internet connection where I now reside.

My parents are very... set is the word I guess. I do think my mom particularly finds certain things about this situation embarrassing. She's very strict on almost everything. An example would like when I was in elementary school, she would just lose it whenever there was a wrinkle on my shirt, even though almost everyday I would play tag with a couple of people, fall down, and get dirty. She claimed that such a wrinkle that was barely noticeable made her look like a bad parent. I'm certain I have OCD from things that I do, but when I told her that I think I have it she didn't yell, but she said it loudly that "I do NOT have OCD".

My parents are huge on who's right and wrong, and my mother will never ever admit she is wrong (even though I call her out on it multiple times).



My mother has told me I don't know how many times to "Play the game", meaning just follow society's rules. I will not do that. Forcing me to fit in and sugar-coat everything and all this stuff, it's ridiculous. They don't like my binary point of view so to speak. If something is stupid, or inefficient, or incorrect, I correct people on it, or tell them a better way to say/do it. I mean that with really no emotion at all, but people hate it and think I'm making fun of them when I do that. A good analogy would be a scene in a TV show I like, The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon and Penny are talking (Sheldon could be me and Penny my mother) and Penny says " ...and yes, you love correcting people and putting them down." To which Sheldon replies "Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up." That's exactly how I feel about it. Trying to change me, just me. My views, my stances, my personality. Just me. At this point, the fear of not being me and possibly losing my Aspergers is at the point where it's pathologically obsessive.



My grandparents are of little help. My mom once so far as to ban my grandma from seeing me for a while becuase she let me do something my mom disagreed with.

The letter idea seems interesting, though I don't know how much it'll do. It would be written down, but I don't understand how the fact of it being written down would change anything when I've spoken my thoughts out loud to her face.

Thanks for all the responses people.

Reading a letter you have written helps an NT person to focus on just your words, without getting distracted by all the nonverbal information we're constantly receiving. Think of it as an accomodation for NT folks.

The point to the letter is multiple. First, it allows us to help you choose the best way to word things and to make sure that you don't misspeak when it comes time to share. Second, it helps us identify things you may be saying that are giving the wrong impression and could be conveyed in a way more acceptable to the NT population. Third, it makes sure that your parents hear what you are saying accurately, so there can be no question of who meant what when they said something, or of what the context is that the statement needs to be put in. Fourth, it makes sure you don't leave key points out, that you might in the moment consider less significant, but are actually important to having effective communication with your parents.



This is something my son struggles with all the time, finding the balance between "being me" and doing what has to be done to get by in the world as it really is. All of which is a lot of the reason why he much prefers the world of computers to the world of people, because computers (although not necessarilly everything they connect to) let him be him.

I use the same line as your mother, "just play the game," at times; there are some things in life you don't have to understand, you just have to DO. Holding your tongue at the appropriate times is one of them. Here is the thing: you can't lift someone up if they think you've put them down. The effort becomes 100% counterproductive. So why do it at all? You've hurt someone else AND failed to achieve your goal. You have to get pragmatic about it. What is the point to communication? WHY is a thought verbalized v. kept alone inside your head? You will always have complete ownership of your thoughts, and you don't have to change a single one; what you have to consider is what you choose to VERBALIZE. What will come of that choice, and what drives you to make it. No one is asking you to change who you are, we are asking you to stop trying to change who someone else is, and the way everyone else handles all the world. All you have to do is keep the thought to yourself, and let the other person be who they naturally are.

It is different, of course, when someone ASKS you to teach them. Then they are looking at you to share your way of viewing things. But that can be done without pointing out any of their mistakes.

Do you have any siblings? Can you SEE how your words and actions affect them? Can you tell what has been productive and what hasn't? If choices you make on what to verbalize cause them pain and make your relationship more difficult with them, obviously you haven't quite managed to lift them up. My son has learned a lot by having a younger sister in the home. It has also created many stressful years, but long run they really do learn from, care about, and support each other.

How are you at playing the game that is a school's grading rubric? My son hates the way grading rubrics works, but he also knows he won't get into the college he wants to go to if he doesn't conform to some degree. He has this so carefully calculated in his head it is mind boggling to me. I hope he is right, because I get scared when I see grades I know he could have done better with. It stresses me out how close to the edge he plays it, but it isn't effective for me to push there and I know it (although sometimes my own stress takes over and I just can't help saying something).

When you hit 18, you may be legally able to move out and be on your own, but will you have the resources to? Earning a living is going to require, again, playing the game, to at least some degree. I've seen so much frustration and disappointment on the job board of this forum from people who can't hold jobs; playing the game there isn't about changing who you are, it is about SURVIVING. And we parents ALWAYS worry about whether or not our kids will be able to survive. Again, you will have to seek and eventually settle on a balance that honors both who you are while also allowing you to live and work and thrive in the world that actually exists, not the one you wished existed.

My son has told me at times that he worries he has become too NT. I've told him I have no worries on that at all. Yes, he knows how to ACT NT to get certain things accomplished, but that has not and will not ever change who he IS. It only takes a 5 minute conversation for someone to see that he is not, most definitely not, NT. Playing the game hasn't changed a thing about who he is, who his friends are, what he values, or how he thinks. What it does is allow him to access things he values and once he has what he values, he stops. Everything in life is a trade off; we all have to make trade offs. Do I really think it is "me" to sit at a desk working all day? OF COURSE NOT. But there are bills to pay and there is a sense of satisfaction in knowing I've worked hard and done a good job. We don't have a lot of ways in the world today to NOT have to engage in the world that is, so your choice is HOW you will do it that best gets you what you want in life while letting you remain as true to yourself as possible.

So I guess in some ways I agree with your mom. In others I will probably agree with you. Regardless, I am willing to help you try to find the balance that is right for you. But you are going to have to be willing to be pragmatic about it, and accept that EVERYONE does things at times they don't feel reflect their true selves.

I don't know you parents, but I agree that change doesn't happen overnight. It takes time.

This sounds so much like my son, who is 5 years younger than you. I agree with DW on her responses to this -- she's made many, many good points, and I hope you read them and consider them.

I say it differently to my son- I don't say "play the game," but I do say he needs to learn to live in "both worlds." I'm trying to help him see that by learning to function in both worlds, he'll be in a much better position to accomplish his personal and professional goals. I tell him outright that I have no desire to change who he is. I love that kid more than life itself, and I think he's amazing and wonderful and just all around awesome. However, I can see how difficult potential jobs and school can be for him, and I want to help him learn skills to navigate the NT world, while still being himself. He's not there with me yet- he thinks the world should change to accommodate him, that he is just fine the way he is. He makes a good point, but I know that's not how the world works.

So I try to help him see what expected behavior is, and that I expect him to do this behavior (just simple things, such as responding to others verbally, refraining from sharing unkind thoughts verbally). Most importantly, I want to help him understand what he can expect from NT people, and help him anticipate some of their behaviors and the reasons WHY. It's like being a detective and then an actor. He's using detective skills to understand NT behavior, and then being an "actor" to behave in "NT" ways when necessary. At their core, actors are not the characters they play. There are times we all have to put on our "actor faces" and pretend in order to get the best results. It's not lying or denying who we are, it's understanding when acting is called for.

I agree with others here that your parents and sister need to respect your Aspergers and not use it to undermine you. I don't think it's an exclusively NT specific trait but perhaps they are judging you by their own benchmarks which is a sign of ignorance on their part or just self-centredeness.

I'm NT. I have an NT mother - with a range of non-spectrum mental issues (depression, anxiety, touch of OCD - but not too bad, narcissism, probably a touch of ADHD). Some of the issues you're having sound a lot like issues I had when I was your age. My relationship with my mother is still quite difficult although on the surface everything looks fine.

From your second posting, it sounds like your mother has MORE than a touch of OCD and some rigid thinking. From her perspective (maybe) the Aspergers thing is like the wrinkle on your shirt. Something to be fixed and its effects something to be prevented. Aspergers is no more your fault than playing tag as a kid (less so, really - not that there is ANYTHING wrong with a kid playing tag!)

I hate to say this, but sometimes our parents can't be who we want them to be. Mine wasn't and still isn't. She is incapable of providing me with emotional support in the way that I need it. And when you are in your late teens I think it's natural for us and for our parents to start getting a bit prickly with each other. It's part of the separation process.

Unfortunately, there is very little that you can do to get your parents to leave you alone.

There are however steps you can take to make the relationship at home smoother. You need to pick your battles - try not to overreact to things (I know this is very, very hard). You can use the "I statement" approach. "I feel uncomfortable when you say things like that." etc. etc. etc.

You can also use this time to prepare yourself, get a plan, and put that plan into place. Take steps toward living independently and away from home. It sounds like you will be much happier living away from that environment so see what you can do to make sure that you can live away from that environment.

^^^This. All of this.

Heh, your mom frankly sounds like an Aspie. One that has beaten herself into not only playing, but worshipping, The Game. She probably has OCD, and a fistful of other anxiety disorders as well.

If it makes you feel any better, her head is an extremely painful place to live. My grandfather lived like that, and I find that now I do too. She's living in misery, believe me.

Notwithstanding-- up to a point, she is right. Don't correct people unless it is life-threatening-- you might see it as raising them up, but just as you are happy in your Asperger's, they are happy in their error. If it's not TRULY harming anything (and in 98% of cases, it isn't), LEAVE THEM ALONE. Say something nice (by which I mean complimentary), and MOVE ON.

Your ASD traits are for YOU to enjoy. That's fine and well and good-- but you also have to deal with, or pay the consequence of, the fact that other people do not enjoy them. Go to school-- sit down, shut up, fit in, and do your schoolwork. Come home-- stay out of your folks' way, keep your opinions to yourself, do your chores, do your homework. THEN you can have fun with your special interests. THEN you can log onto the computer and enjoy your opinions on http://www.thesepeopleagreewithme.net. Then you can stim, perseverate, and generally roll about is Aspie Heaven to your heart's content.

It's good practice for getting a job-- where you will have to sit down, will not have the luxury of shutting up but will have to know the right things to say in the right way, fit in, and do your work. Which you need if you EVER plan on getting out of your parents' house, not having to listen to their mouths, and having a modicum more control over your free time.