Aggression when dad leaves

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Background: My children's father was in their lives consistently for most of their lives (we are married, he lived with us), with my older son, 13 of his 15 years. At 13, dad had a mental breakdown sort of thing, I'm not sure how to describe it exactly. Long story short, we split up, he moved out. Well, 2 years later, it's pretty much "same old, same old" going on, but he wants to be a good father and he is good with the kids when he's having a good day. The problem is, he is still really struggling with life (was last hospitalised in Sept.) and I think if I let him back in fully, it will be worse for the kids if/when he goes back to that. I think the re-integration needs to be slow (we are currently that our ultimate goal IS for him to move back in at some point, but it has to be a process).

So current situation is the following: We have a 15 y/o severely autistic son. He is very aggressive for about an hour after his dad has left after his visitation. I don't think it's because he's thinking, "Oh dad's gone, so now I'm free to beat up mum"... but I think it is related to me in some way, because he (thankfully) leaves his younger brother alone. Maybe he's scared he's not coming back. Or he just wants him to be there for longer. Maybe he blames me for kicking him out. Whatever it is, he gets "rowdy"- he starts making a lot of noise, moves is body around a lot (like his head goes back and forth, shakes his arms, etc.) and then he'll start jumping at me or grabbing my shoulders and pushing me into a wall or down onto the floor. It's dangerous because he is so big (last time he was measured, he was 6'4" but he is growing still). I get hurt.

I have a sensory room set up in my house, which I can send him to when he gets rowdy. He likes it in there. There's a swing, and other stuff that he likes. It does help a little bit. Sometimes I go and sit in there while he's swinging, because I don't want him to feel like I'm abandoning him by shoving him into a room to get rid of him or something. That room is really the only "tool" I've got though. We do have set days and times for dad's visits (and they are frequently) but my older son doesn't really look at times or dates, so it doesn't seem to help him (it helps my other kid though).

Any advice?

PS. I really do not need nastiness about the situation with my husband. I am already aware that it's not exactly the ideal child-rearing situation.

Hey, I am so sorry that this is happening... this isn't right at all, and you deserve to be safe and free from violence.

The only thing that I can think of is to have your hubby visit just before a natural transition, so that your son does not have the time to get upset when his father leaves and take it out on you, instead. For example, can Dad visit an hour before it's time to get on the bus to go to school, and then put the boy on the bus (that way, the kid thinks he's just going to school, not that Dad is leaving him) ? Or maybe visit around bedtime, so that he can spend some time getting him to bed and staying till the boys are asleep, so again, the kid is not going to be anxious when Dad leaves, as he will be asleep, instead ?

The important thing is to make sure that you and he (older boy) are not alone after the father leaves, because I think that his aggression is his way of communicating his anger and anxiety that he wants Dad to stay longer / not leave / worry that Dad might be gone for good ?

I hope others have better advise for you. I only have lots of hugs to send your way. I am so sorry, this sucks !

If his dad is stressed during the visit or when he's leaving that may be something he absorbs but can't manage. Maybe a clear schedule for what will happen and some choice for him about what will happen during the visit?

Also he may pick up on your anxiety so explaining (in whatever way works, words, social story, pictures) that you worry about/don't know how things will be with dad so you will do x, y, and z before during and after (even a picture of a bathtub if taking a bath calms you or of ice cream if you and he would eat it together after, anything that gives structure and predictability) May help.

And I think having some company after is a great idea if you can do it too.

Sounds like an autistic version of the normal behavior children of divorce exhibit when seeing the non-custodial parent. Transitions like this are hard for NT kids - for a kid on the spectrum, it must be really difficult. I would guess that the reason you are the focus of your son's upset (having been there for different reasons) is that you are his "safe place."

Google "behavior after visitation" and you'll see that parents of NT kids have the same issue. I found this article, which may have some value: http://www.mamapedia.com/article/childr ... d-than-mom and this one: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/ms-n-m ... GTjrDTF8Zg

Thanks for your replies.

I am not surprised that he has a negative reaction; it seems fairly natural considering the situation is highly stressful and my son has this communication issue that results in him not being able to ask me questions about it or talk to me about it, and while I do talk to him, I don't know what he understands, so what I'm saying may be not very useful to him, or he wants to know other things. I'm not really wondering why it's happening, but more like what to do.

In terms of him picking up on stress... I think that's quite likely. Obviously, I TRY to limit the stress, but the truth is, there's a lot of stress surrounding this. His dad is always "on edge"- his main problem is an anxiety disorder, and of course I'm stressed out too. I have told them that dad is "sick" ("sick" is the word we use to mean physically unwell- I'm not telling them he's a sick person or sick in the head or something- felt like I should clarify), it's not their fault that he's sick, he loves them very much, and he has some people helping him get better. That's basically what I've read that you tell a young child. My son is a not a "young child" but I asked his longest-servicing therapist (who knows him really well) and she suggested I keep it at that level. Truth is, I don't know if he even understood that, or if he is thinking at a higher level.

Changing the time of the visits so they their ending corresponds with the beginning of something else is definitely something that could potentially help. I really like the idea of having something we always do after the visit. I don't know why I never thought of that!

Maybe it's the saying goodbye that upsets him? Especially since he may not understand completely when/whether dad is coming back. Does he also get upset if dad just quietly slips away?

I know you're not really interested in the whys...

...but on a pretty simple level, I figure that Daddy leaving HURTS. And, since he doesn't have the verbal skills to talk about it, he takes the hurt out physically on you.

The best thing I can come up with is what has already been said about having Daddy leaving coincide with a natural transition.

I'm sorry one of the "quaint windmills" in "beautiful Holland" is currently whacking you upside the head with every passing blade.

I don't know he'd react if dad just left without saying goodbye... but I feel like that would be even more confusing and upsetting, no? I mean, that would upset me, if my dad, who I know to come and go, was just suddenly GONE and nobody mentioned it to me. My son himself doesn't "say goodbye", and dad isn't the kind of guy to push a response, especially not when he's leaving, so he says goodbye and whatever our son's response is, is how it is. There's no outside pressure on him to respond in a particular way.

BuyerBeware: He has a special bond with his dad. I'm sure it hurts him a lot.
And yeah "Welcome to Holland" is more like how I'm striving to think than how I actually think most of the time.

The not saying anything is a bad idea I think. When we had school functions when my son was in SPED/pre-k they tried to get me to leave without saying anything b/c he would want me to stay, and they did not want to deal with it.

I almost did it, and then thought that while they might think that is easier for them, it wa a sh***y thing to do. I am sure he would have noticed and thought bad things even if he did not say anything.

I'm not crazy about the idea of leaving without saying goodbye...

...but I guess it might be worth a shot. I dunno. On the one hand, the worst that can happen is that he gets violent. On the other hand, the worst that can happen is that he gets more violent, and traumatized, and the problem gets worse and stays that way for a while.

Not an enviable position.

If his dad is upset about saying goodbye and wants to be very low key about leaving it might work for him to do that. Your son picking up that his dad is anxious as he leaves wouldn't be good. But sneaking out is too confusing. I think he should try to act like a normal adult and normal adults don't sneak around.

Would his dad want to circle the day of his next visit on a calendar or something like that right before he goes? Even if your son didn't understand the date, a ritual like that might be calling for both of them. Unless your son doesn't like visits. That would be a problem.

Super random, but how is your access to technology? Could something like Facetime or Skype help? When his dad leaves, he could videochat with him right afterwards. And perhaps a every day at the same time, they could video chat each other? I'm not sure if there is anything to this idea, or if your son would go for it (I could see a case where it could actually be more distressing, too), but maybe a part of the solution could be more access to his dad, in a way that doesn't push the limits of the things you and his father are trying to work through.

So we tried the visit ending when something else starts yesterday. Yesterday is the "different" day because it's a Saturday and dad has them for a couple of hours (I'm still around, but he runs the show), but we ended right before we left for OT (which he likes for the most part). It went well actually. He was a bit difficult after OT, but I'm not sure if it was related. I'm not so sure about having the visits in the morning before school, because he's not a big fan of school, and we still haven't worked out how that would go, but we'll see.

I asked dad what he thinks about leaving without saying goodbye and he wasn't a fan of the idea, to put it mildly. So that settles that. It already is pretty low-key.

We have the technology to use Skype and we used to when he was away for work, but he has recently become paranoid about lots of kinds of technology, including (especially?) skype and refuses to use it... We do look at photos of him though- my son likes looking at photos.

It sounds like you have gotten some pretty good advice so far - I just want to add one more idea along the technology line - when I used to travel for work I would record myself reading a book for my daughter. Then when she missed me she could play that tape. Today of course it would probably be an App on a smartphone - but perhaps the sound of his father reading a favorite book, singing a song or just talking about a favorite subject would help calm him - particularly if it is something that he could listen to anytime he wanted.

Good Luck and God Bless