5 year old - hates himself/school problems

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Where to begin? My eldest has had issues since he began school. He's a bright, loving little boy, although he had a slight speech delay and some odd behaviours as a child, I've always just seen him as more sensitive than others. When he first joined reception he had extreme difficulty with the adjustment, he simply didn't understand the rules and was ignoring requests, screaming (enough to scare other children so much they had to remove several of them from the room) in frustration and shutting down completely. We thought it would settle down but every time it think we're getting somewhere, another issue rears it's head.

As of September, he started attending Nurture group, a small class for children with emotional/behavioural issues, special needs etc. part time (every morning except Fridays) and spends the rest of the time in his mainstream y1 class. His behaviour at home has improved immensely, he very rarely has meltdowns at home anymore, but at school he appears to be getting worse. He's often stressed there, he struggles moving from task to task and has very poor social skills. He has one friend in his mainstream class and has recently become close with another boy in Nurture. He seems to be rejected by the rest of his class, and has said since reception that other children in his class don't like him. He's so sweet but can be very intense and doesn't understand boundaries or rules, or personal space for that matter. That, coupled with his regular outbursts and strange behaviours (walks with a strange gait/limp, feet turn inwards for no apparent reason, habit I suppose) and speaks in a strange accent quite often, has lead to him being isolated.

He doesn't seem to mind this, as his favourite people are his adults. But recently, I've been getting the feeling that certain members of staff are losing patience with him. He's taken to crying/screaming and hiding under his desk when things get too much, and this week he did just that, as well as scribbling over his work beforehand. A TA had to be called from another classroom to deal with him. She's one of his favourite adults and has been there from day 1 but this week she called me in to the classroom and made him stand and listen to her telling me in a very angry tone that she had to be dragged away to deal with him and saying if it happens again he'll be put in isolation/on the "behavioural step" and told him off for wandering away (he doesn't do it to be purposefully rude, he just goes into his own world and tends to meander around).

I just don't know what to do. I feel like he's being punished for something beyond his control. He still hasn't even been referred for any assessments because I can't get in touch with the school nurse or family workers. He NEEDS help though. He calls himself stupid, says he hates himself (and all of us). He tells me he's giving up being good because even when he tries, everyone just notices the bad he's done. He tells me he can't remember the good anymore. He refuses to try for fear of failure, and if he does try and fail, he takes it so hard, tears, hitting himself/banging his head, so much anger and most of it directed at himself. My beautiful boy is so sad and I can't seem to be able to do anything to fix it.

Are you in Britain? Some of the terms aren't familiar to me. But I imagine the people issues aren't too different. Can you focus to staff that work with him on your desire to work with them and with the system, how you need direction how to best support your child, what can be done, etc? The teacher sounds like she might have good intentions but can't help enough And in her frustrationis trying to pressure the weakest link (your child) for change. Hopefully she has some idea this is wrong and can redirect her energy toward what will help. But yeah. Some people just shouldn't be working with kids. Since shes a favorite, hopefully this is her frustration talking. Would a letter from her about all his problems to give the people that decide about more services help put her energy to more productive use?
Such a letter likely won't be pretty, but it's better than her berating your child while you listen. Perhaps you could discuss her behavior with the supervisor in terms of your frustration getting things done and desire they help advocate for this? Keep the focus on her frustrations how's everyone's trying as hard as we can and we seem to need more help.....

Sounds exactly like my daughter, right down to the "giving up on being good" because it's not worth the effort.

If you don't have a diagnosis, you need one. Basically, the deal with my daughter is that we have to reward her constantly for each and every good thing she does. At school she has a 1 on 1 aid who tracks what she does and gives her her points for staying on task. She gets enough points, she gets a reward. The aid does not nit pick any autistic or otherwise "odd behaviors" doing so is absolutely counter productive. We had an aid for the first few months of the school year who nit picked everything and demanded perfection because my daughter "is so smart" and should be able to do it and is obviously just acting "spoiled and rude" and not at all autistic. This went REALLY BADLY. She went from doing her work independently to refusing to do anything AND having 3 screaming meltdowns a day which included violence directed towards herself and others. She dissolved into the "I"m giving up because I can't possibly meet her expectations, so why bother when it's so hard?" We lost a lot of ground and she regressed a bit as a result. We now have an aid who actually understands autism and knows what shes doing and it's like night and day. My daughter is still regaining her footing, but her worst day since getting the new aid looks like her very best day with the old one.

Anyway, the aid berating the child, for whatever reason is wrong, inappropriate and 100% counterproductive. Nothing will destroy his self esteem quicker than making him feel worthless.

I don't know where you live but in the USA it seems the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Also... The greasy wheel that greases the palms gets the grease. *cough* I have had to be very persistent with the district but also very calm and very generous. I'm not even talking money. Volunteering. Donating items, baked goods, classroom items. I get in there and get to know the staff through PTO meetings. It really helps to get people to "feel" something for your child rather than just labelling them as a "problem".

Your terminology indicates you're not from the US. Because if you were, I'd suggest not waiting until the school decides to do an evaluation, but instead get that done privately. Wherever you are, is that an option? Because it sounds like the school doesn't think he has a problem he needs help with, but that they think he has a problem he needs to be punished out of.

Ah! Welcome to what I've decided to name "Alphabet Soup and Crackers," the Internet home for kids with letters and their crazy moms and dads!!

Step One: The school-aged child needs a diagnosis. Whether it's ASD or something else, he needs accommodation and teaching and support-- to have these things viewed as something he can LEARN TO CONTROL if taught properly-- not to be treated as if it is already under his control and can be punished out.

Been there, done that with my ADHD DS7. STILL cleaning up the mess.

Step Two: Once Kiddo gets the requisite paperwork, he needs a pain-in-the-ass Mommy who will INSIST that he get both teaching and accommodations. No matter WHERE you are, the school system will not just GIVE them to you. You will have to pry it out of their self-righteous, bureaucratic little paws.

Odetta, DW, zette, momsparky, YippySkippy, and some others here can REALLY help you with that.

Right now, keep pointing out, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, the good things in him to him. Spread the praise on honestly, but thick. Don't get caught up in needing the school's approval, and don't let him give up on himself.

They don't need to like you. Just respect you won't stop advocating for him.

And seeing you don't give up on him and that you do believe in him (even when not everyone does) will help him learn to believe in himself.

And, as I do to almost everyone on this forum, I'm going to recommend that you have him assessed for a pragmatic (social) speech deficit.

Many kids on the spectrum learn to speak as though they're using a phrasebook in a foreign language (it's commonly called "scripting," in less social kids it can be copying movies, etc. but kids like my son copy other kids) Since they are plugging in the "right" answers without really understanding what they are, and don't necessarily understand the responses - at least in my son's case - they are constantly frustrated, and blow up easily. This might account for the behaviors both at the beginning of school and the escalation you're seeing now.

It's wildly inappropriate for someone to complain about a typical five-year-old's behavior in this way (lots of kids are clingy at 5) but grossly so for a child that has any sort of disability.

Can you send an email to the school? You can politely describe the things that concern you (try to keep your tone as neutral as possible) and make a list of suggestions on how you've successfully handled your son's behavior at home. Email is a great tool because it documents for you: everything you send and receive will be date-stamped. This gives you something concrete to refer to if there are more issues with your son.

For instance, you could write (and I would copy the TA in question, your child's classroom teacher, and a supervisor one step up from them, whoever that is - emails are going to slowly go up the chain of command if you don't get a response that satisfies you.)

"Hi, this is _______________________________, ___________________________'s mother. I noticed this week that ____________________ seems to be struggling to make friends and play with other children, and I learned this week from TA ______________________ that he is having trouble in class and needs one-on-one attention. It is my understanding that it is difficult to accommodate this need, as TA______________________ expressed that she had to come in from another class.

We have noticed that ______________ has been doing much better at home, but I am concerned that his behavior at school indicates that he has needs that we have not yet uncovered. At home, we've been concerned that he is calling himself names, is becoming afraid to try harder because of fear of failure, has been showing his frustration with tears, anger and has recently started to self-harm by hitting his head. We believe this indicates a need for more supports and more specific services, and would like him to have a formal assessment including an assessment of social speech as soon as possible"

Something like that. Try to make your tone professional, slightly conciliatory, but descriptive and as specific as you can be without sounding like you are accusing anyone of wrongdoing.

Make a file on your computer; if they reply to you verbally, write another email saying "per our conversation today, I just wanted to confirm that ___________'s behavior will be handled by doing ______________ at school." Make it clear that you're going to be keeping a record of whatever they say, but also make it clear that you are trying to be as collaborative as possible.

Thank you for all the replies. Bit of an update:

I had a meeting with the head, TA, family worker and children's center outreach worker (they're all involved with the family to some degree) today and it didn't exactly go well. I'm currently "burned out" and have been regressing for a month or so now, so I'm very on edge and emotional lately as well as being unable to tolerate tight clothing, in fact the only outfit I feel comfortable in is my black vest top (I need to buy 10 of these) and my partner's soft tracksuit bottoms, so I wasn't exactly presenting well, I stimmed almost constantly, burst into tears on several occasions, my mother had to hold MY hand throughout the meeting. I kept losing focus and couldn't look anyone in the eye, losing track of what I was saying and babbling, I stopped making sense and would become so frustrated I'd burst into tears, again. Anyway.

The school aren't interested in giving any more support as Jack's academics are average, therefore not an issue. They feel his only issues are emotional. I disagree entirely, as does my family and a number of professionals who've met Jack. I'm now going to have to make an appt with the GP to express my concerns and hope they'll refer him to a psychiatrist. If not, I'll save as much money as possible and find a private child therapist who can give me some proper insight into what's going on in that confused little head of his.