My kid is depressed

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Hello,

I just got a call from my son's psychologist, she wants to start individual counselling for him because he seems depressed and told her he thinks about death regularly. This is not really a suprise, I can tell he is having a hard time.

We are no newbies, I speak fluent Aspergian, I can sense when something is troubling him and I am a great mom to him. Don't mean to be full of myself, but I am now - I learned a LOT. Over the years our relationship went from troubled and frustrating to calm and trustful - in both ways. His dad has more trouble communicating and understanding, but he is with me most of the time. We have pleasant evenings and weekends, there are no more fights or meltdowns.

He changed schools in september, his new school is a lot better (extensive gifted program, team of special ed-teachers experienced with aspies, more structured and just better accomodation overall, the kids in his new class seem to appreciate him and are nice to him), but he says he hates it nevertheless. In his opinion, it is just useless and he rather 'stay at home where he can learn how to become a scientist or an inventor much faster than in school'.

He excels academically and despite the gifted program he is underchallenged, so I asked the school if they could do something about that.
But I don't know whether this is the main reason for his depressive state. I feel like he's disappointed with the world. And I don't know what to do about that. I guess I'm disappointed too, but I got to a point where my special interests became my job, so that balances it out for me. I tell him things get better when he gets older, but that doesn't really help him, does it.

Any advice is much appreciated...

The world isn't set up for Aspie teens and that can be depressing.

Does he like the psychologist? I would talk to your son, see how he feels about going to counseling sessions.

If he likes her and she's good at it, the extra attention and support should make the world feel more friendly.

Waterfalls: she's great, and he talks to her, which seems like a good sign; but he doesn't want to go, saying 'it doesn't help anyway'. I'm going to schedule the sessions during school hours, that should help. But I don't believe that those sessions will make it all ok. I want to know what I can do myself.

oh, also important: he's 8. So young to be depressed.

MAybe just being there? But yes. So young!!

I know this might sound slightly absurd:

But maybe give your boy a vacation from the Abstract.

Maybe take him for an ice cream or something as a diversion?

Or indulge in that famous Belgian chocolate?

DS is 9 and also wants to be a scientist. He struggles with spelling, and told me he didn't see the point because when he's an adult he will be doing experiments all day. So I asked him how he planned to communicate his results to anyone, and we talked about the need for scientists to also be good writers.
If you can relate what he's doing in school now to the goals he has for his future, it may help his outlook somewhat.

Maybe the answer is to skip a grade or two to where he can meet the challenges and not be bored and perhaps make a friend or two at his level of thinking but stay in the specialized programs, and as kraftikortie said .... have some ice cream... and talk to the psychologist as well. Maybe he can get to a point to where he can graduate early and get the ball rolling for his aspirations and dreams.
Best Wishes to you both
My son who is 15 now used to be that way in elementary school - "Everything just stinks", he used to say. He wasn't gifted though but he sort of grew out of it. He took a strong liking to song writing/music/guitar. After that, things started to change for the better. He best work comes from his so/so gray moods. I Haven't seen him in a really dark/black mood for a long time.[u]

If he is not challenged enough at school, maybe he could try Khan Academy? (wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khan_Academy)
It's free and has a wide range of subjects, going from very basic to very advanced calculus. A while ago I watched some of their videos to remember what I forgot about math. The website is in English though (which he would need to learn to become a scientist anyway, as almost all university learning material is in English). There are also translations in French and Dutch, though the Dutch one isn't complete yet I think.

Maybe it's a existential depression, it's quite current among the gifted population. http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10269.aspx

make sure he isn't being bulied

Take him out of school and homeschool if you can or sign him up for an online program. I don't like most psychologists or schools?I don't think most truly do a good job trying to understand our kids, but rather just attempt to change them into someone they are not?

We struggle with this with our 9 almost 10 year old NT daughter. She doesn't see the point in going to school as she isn't going to need any of that stuff later anyway as she is going to be an artist.

We got her into counseling and it seemed to help. I would recommend taking that step as perhaps the counselor can help him learn some coping skills - life is not always going to be what we want and if he can learn some skills now it will make the rest of his life easier.

I was going to suggest looking into having him audit a university course, but if he is only 9 I don't know if that is an option.

Good Luck - and don't give up - you all will get through this.

Counseling is a good-enough first step. There is a lot of navigating the world as an Aspie that is, frankly, depressing. Especially when you are young (by the time you're in, say, your thirties it seems as if you just sort of learn to accept it) it seems like it should all be different. Learning to think about it in ways that keep you wanting to get out of bed in the morning seems to be key-- certainly I don't think it's something that antidepressants can fix.

What can you do?? Listen. Love. Have fun with him, give him materials to learn what he wants to learn with, give him reasons to laugh. Give him the tools to think about the world in a way that makes it easier to get out of bed in the morning. Keep doing what you're doing.

Anxiety causes depression sometimes. It may be a problem, and not the cause itself. Instead of wondering why he is depressed, maybe you should wonder if, and why he has anxiety. Anxiety subsides, you may see depression fade away.

Waw, so many reactions. Thanks everyone. I was so shocked to hear his therapist state it so bluntly, I needed a little pick-me-up.

In a nutshell: homeschooling is not an option, I'm a single mom with a business to run. Also, I know he needs less social interaction than your average Joe, but I still think he needs to be around peers and develop coping skills. Maybe I'm projecting a bit, but I learned so much from social skills classes in college and being around people that had completely different lives and interests; I genuinely believe it made me a happier person. I did manage to get him permission to stay in class to read a book twice a week during lunch recess. And I will continue to avocate for more challenging work. Skipping classes is not an option right now, he just got accustomed to the new class, and he's already the youngest, smallest kid there. But I do offer him a lot of stuff to do and to work with; since I'm an illustrator, there's tons of material here; I bought him an Arduino, which we discover together; I take him to places related to his current special interests; I listen to him, I tell him I understand.
I'm going to let him skip a day of school next week to go out and indeed dive into some Belgian chocolate cake. He's never sick or late in class, he deserves a day off.
And now we're going to make a big Hobbes plush.

Thanks everyone, there's some great advice here! You're the best!!