Friends

Post Reply New Topic

Hi All,

It's been a while since I've posted, and I can't find a way to search through the history for my answer, so here goes:

We're at dinner with my 11 y/o Aspie son, J. He sees a boy he knows from school, and I hear the boy say, "I see a nerd." He and his sister giggle, and their mom tells them to stop and that it's not nice. J doesn't hear them. He's just excited that his "friend" is at the restaurant, and keeps looking back at them. When the other family begins to leave, J blurts out loudly, "Hi, Billy!" and the boy just looks at him and walks away with his family. It's clear this boy is not J's friend even though J thinks so.

I ask him how he knows this boy, and J says they play together at school on Fridays. Billy is a fifth grader, and J is in fourth. So, I ask J who he plays with all the other days, and he say no one. I ask him what he does, and he says he usually walks around the track and talks to himself because he is his best friend. He declares that he has friends, but that he just doesn't like playing what they are playing. My heart sinks!! !

See, I was that child that everyone picked on in school. I was thin, mousy, immature, and my family was poor, so my clothes were from the second hand store and alway not "cool." I was constantly picked on, thrown dirt at, and beat up physically and verbally from the second grade until about the 10th grade. I don't want my child to go through this! I'm so sad for him that it makes me cry because I know how hard the next 10 years are going to be for him.

My husband tells me that the next 10 years are going to be rough on me because I'm going to want to rush in and solve J's problems, but that I shouldn't. I say yes and no to this...small issues no...bullies yes. He also told me that J broke the kid rule because he spoke first to an older child...kid rule??? What are these kid rules???

You see, the thing is my husband and I don't socialize with a lot of people. He has one friend from grade school he still talks to over the phone and sees ocassionally since he lives many states away from us. I have a few aquaintances and maybe one sort of friend. However, on the whole we don't like to socialize. We love our home and and our small family and life is good. I just know how to tell J that not having a lot of friends is okay. During childhood having friends is a big thing.

So, I know most of you have had to have gone through this at some point. What do I do? How do I reassure him that this too will pass, eventually? How do I help him stay happy? Is there a way to keep him from feeling the pain of a rotten childhood?

Hi JsMom. From your description, it doesn't sound like J is having as hard a time with this as you are. I think your husband might be right. It's gonna be hard for you to sit back and watch. I'm really sorry to hear you had such a rough time growing up and that you have to relive it through your son.

Like you, I used to be devastated hearing that kind of stuff but like your son, he never seemed to notice or didn't care. Now, whenever I feel like jumping in, I always have to ask myself - whose issue is this? You can't help but bring your own baggage along, it's natural, but probably not helpful.

I wouldn't worry yet. Keep asking him if he needs your help with anything but back off if he says he doesn't. Sounds like he's holding his own pretty well so far.

Without being able to read your son's mind, just reading the info you gave, I agree with Goku. Talking to one's self is not a sign of discontent, per say. Unless there is some kind of bullying going on, and you haven't given an indication of that, then I wouldn't worry too much. For one thing, you and your husband aren't modelling a very social lifestyle. You probably don't find yourself doing unpleasant activities just to appease other people or keep friends. You probably don't engage in "butt kissing"(sorry, lack of better phrase) with other people to maintain social status. All these things show your son that it's okay to be alone and to prioritize your favorite activities. This is exactly my family's lifestyle. We would like to have more friends and a better extended family, but we aren't willing to do those things to make it happen.

I had a similar childhood to yours and a lot of the stress and sadness came from my own mom pressuring me to be like the other kids and to play with kids that were mean to me and if I wasn't accepted, it was my fault.

I'm sorry I misunderstood your post. I didn't realize J was upset about spending time alone at recess and was being picked on. I wasn't trying to be dismissive or heartless. From your description, his pain just didn't come across.

Let me explain my thinking: J said "he usually walks around the track and talks to himself because he is his best friend" and "he has friends but that he just doesn't like playing what they are playing". He didn't say it was because nobody wants to play with me or because I have no friends. Both of those responses would imply a desire to interact. His response seemed like a personal preference.

He also showed a positive response to Billy at the restaurant (despite the obnoxious comment), looking back, calling out Hi Billy! You didn't mention J's response so I assumed he was ok with it. He considers Billy a friend and says they play together at school on Fridays.

I used to personalize my son's social experiences until I realized that he didn't feel the hurt that I felt for him. He either didn't notice or didn't care. So I decided that if he didn't care, why should I? Who am I to say how much social interaction he should have? As long as he was happy doing his own thing, I should be too.

This was not an easy thing for me to do since I like social interaction and never had a hard time with it. I have greater social needs than he does. And I was embarrassed by his lack of understanding. I picked up on the cues he missed and then felt that they were directed at me but I couldn't respond to it because then he would know that he was being picked on. It was such a strange, uncomfortable situation. I finally had to accept that this was my issue, not his. That's all I was trying to say. I thought maybe you too felt that way.

I'm sorry. I guess I didn't explain very well. I think so much faster than I type, so sometime important things get left out.

The part about him saying he has friends but doesn't want to play what they are playing, is really a cover up. When he goes out to play soccer with some of the boys, they boys will all of a sudden say, "Wow, what a great game!" and then all walk away even though recess just started. It's happened lots of times with different activities, so I can only assume they don't want to play with my son. So when you you know no one wants to play with you, but you don't want your Mom to worry, you say, "Oh, I have lots of friends." However, he's not very good at lying and I can see the hurt in his eyes and hear it in his voice. He'll try to change the subject. Sometimes I'll press a little further to see if he'll tell me any more of what's going on.

There have been times when they hit or kick him and curse at him. One time a boy pushed him into a goal post, and we had to take him to the emergency room where he received 14 stitches in his forehead. J wouldn't say who had done it because he didn't want any reprecussions from the other boys for sqealing. Of course, everyone knew who it was. Now when he sees the boy coming to play where he is at, he just leaves to avoid any problems.

As for Billy, J didn't hear Billy call him a nerd. Only I did, and I didn't tell my son what he said because it would hurt his feelings. I think at one time they might have played together and then Billy probably thought J was a little strange because of his AS tendencies and now doesn't want to be J's friend. Unfortunately, J hasn't figured it out yet because he can't read the social ques Billy is displaying.

As for our social lifestyle modeling...we still do things, even though we don't necessary want to do them. We spend time with family and church. Also, we've had J in scouts and soccer since the first grade hoping that these activities would help him with his social skills. While they've helped out some what, social stuff is still difficult for him to maneuver around. I suspect it always will be. So, even though I know I can't "fix" everything, I do try to see where I can help him learn or understand something better.

it's hard to see your kids hurting.
as he sounds higher functioning, you run the risk of totally "gasp" embarassing him if you step in too much....what about talking to a teacher or social worker about your concerns, and emphasize that you don't want any finger-pointing..ie; have a talk with the class about friendship & bullying~include role-playing etc...

I think I would have been an adolesant suicide if my mum had of asked me... Why don't you have any friends?

--Work on hime from behind the lines.... give hime something that you know the other kids will want to attatche to him for OBJECT value... eg.
POKEMON cards or something.... the key to social triggereing amongst the young is OBJECTS.(the object can be immaterial, like a common interest like dinosuars)

Every fibre in my being hates to do this...but Erlyrisa makes a good suggestion.

Hannah loves dinosaurs...and snakes...and crocodiles. So do the boys in her class. She is often a hit in class because she takes along her dinosaur books, her toy snake, photo's of her pet rat, dinosaur toys etc. Her class is predominantly boys, so she is less likely to be made fun of because of her 'boy-like' interests.

She is only in Grade 2, but these objects have given her the opportunity to mix with other kids with similar interests. She'll read her books to the kids that struggle with reading, not because she's kind, but because she can and she likes the sound of her own voice

It may be different with boys though. Remember that some children may not get the concept of 'trading' cards...they'll give them away as bribes for friendship. Teach him the rules of his card-games first. Focus on the interests he already has, especially if they're typical of other children his age.

It's worth a shot at this stage. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, but at least you've given it a shot.
He sounds like a bright boy, and I know it kills you to see him going through this, but there are so many things you can do to help him. Be ingenious, but don't force the situation. Sometimes NT kids are just completely feral and you really don't want your son associating with them (we know a few NT kids that I'd like to slap on sight!).

I have to agree, Erlyrisa has made an excellent suggestion, diamonds are made from coal, kids this age do love things. Z's interests are extremeley varied and he has a large collection of "stuff". The kids in his class will stop to look at his beaver stick, mummified frog, Pokemon cards, Hot wheels, boooks...... things are great ice breakers.

Erlyrisa also said in another post to offer your son alternative social outlets, ie. Scouts, Youth groups, dance etc. We also love our family and are most comfortable at home, but, [knew it was coming didn't you?] we also realize Z has to learn to exist in a world of people and if he doesn't learn how he will end up the reclusive oddball in apartment 7734. You and your husband may have to venture out of your shells a little also.

As a note of encouragement, Z, now 10, has developed friends in the last couple of years in spite of our fears to the contrary.

javajunkie80, re: comment about feral NT kids, Oh how right you are! Could it be their parents' fault for not teaching them social skills?

Well...I don't know if we can blame the parents all the time.

I think a lot of NT kids are out of control because they don't see their parents often enough (and I'm not bashing working-Mums, I'm one myself), and I understand that that's a cultural thing, but some of these kids are just crying out for attention, and help. Plus, there is no discipline in school's these days, nor at home.

I understand the legalities involved with the school's, and I get the whole 'attachment parenting' philosophy of today...but I can't help but wonder if this is the cause of so many NT kids still living at home when they're 30yrs old.

As parents, we all have responsibilities that we miss sometimes...some of us drop them more than others...maybe the feral NT kids are the result of that...maybe they're just feral because they are programmed that way...who knows?

Maybe there's just a whole other spectrum of disorders out there waiting to be researched and catagorised.
I just feel sorry for the kids really...whether through nature or nurture, they have a lot to overcome...and I have to overcome the urge to slap them

There is a lot of sense in what you say. I was a Scout leader foe 14 years and a lot of parents seemed to think the troop was a cheap baby sitting service. It is a shame that some parents ignore their kids. We had some very involved parents and it was a treat to see the bond that developed in their families. Parenting any child is a huge task and requires commitment we often didn't plan on. Parents who throw their children away aggravate me beyond words, Z was one. Fortunately he was caught by his grandmother [now Mom] and I joined the family when he asked me to be his Dad five years ago [a good thing because his Mom and I wanted to get married]. We caught another falling child two years ago, Z's cousin also 10 but a girl. They get along great and have been mutually helpful to each other.

Sorry for rambling. just felt like blabbing.

Thanks for your imput, tkmattson. J really loved scouts when he was younger but has grown bored of it, and wants to try something new. He's been playing soccer for over four years and really loves it a lot. He's at the level that he could go into Select, which is, I think, the highest level a "kid" can go in soccer. J's wish is to play soccer in high school, and I've told him that he would have to go Select if he really wanted to play in high school because the schools in our area won't pick a kid to play if they haven't gone Select. (I think that's B.S. personally, but that's just the way it is). J is a little nervous about it because it will be different; it will be harder; and he probably won't be the "star" anymore. However, we've been through all this when he changed out of the YMCA soccer club and went into a more competitive league two years ago, and he did so good!

He's also interested in football...sort of. I think he's worried about the change and that he might get hurt. My husband believes that if he goes into football and gets good at it, he will probably have lots of friends, and no one will care that he does silly/kind of weird stuff.

I'm really proud of J. When he was little he couldn't catch a ball to save his life. He was so uncoordinated and clumsy. Now he is so agile and so sure of himself on the field. All that practice has certainly helped. out.