Son's first term at community college not going well

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Hello,

I'm new here so I'll introduce myself. I am married and have two teenage sons. My older son was diagnosed with Aspergers some years ago and received a lot of help getting him through school. His issues in school were losing assignments, forgetting to write assignments down, and forgetting to turn in completed assignments. He is a loner in school and has extreme difficulty making and keeping friends. His only passion in life is computers (and eating) and that is ALL he wants to do all day. Games, programming, hacking, etc. He spent most of the day at school daydreaming about games and programming instead of taking notes in school. There is some family history of OCD also. He barely graduated.

He's 18 now and we knew starting college would be a challenge. We really pushed him to sign up and start going. We still have to wake him up in the morning, drive him to college, and confront him about doing homework on a daily basis. If we didn't do those things, he would literally do nothing but computers, eating and sleeping. He seems to care nothing about anything else - even showering. On the positive side is he's a good natured kid and is very sensitive to the feelings of others. He is very intelligent and learns quickly. He was always top of the class at spelling bee's.

So, his first term of college we thought 2 classes might be a reasonable start. Unfortunately, we live in a small town and the only classes offered were writing and literature (humanities credit) which he hates. He seemed to be doing okay with us constantly pushing. Well, he just admitted to us that he's been lying and has a 20% in one class and a 40% in the other. It appears to be too late in the term to come back from that and he's determined to quit going (he already missed yesterday). I really hate to see that happen and I'm tempted to go talk to his teacher. But he's an adult now so it's a little trickier.

Basically, I need some advise. Should we be tough on him, meaning, should we really push him to continue and potentially go talk to his teacher or should we let him make mistakes (or at least what I consider a mistake) and hopefully learn from them? We paid for tuition so I'm a little annoyed all that money is wasted. He has talked a little about getting a job but I have no idea what job he could handle right now. I'm afraid he'll end up sitting on our couch playing computers for the foreseeable future unless action is taken. Also, I'm afraid leaving school will just add another thing he didn't accomplish and make him depressed or discouraged.

Does your son's college have a computer center where students can use computers for research and writing, and printing out homework, for a small fee? These centers almost always need student workers to staff the facility and know enough to help others out of the problems that occur with students who aren't as tech-savvy as your son. There are also computer centers which operate to keep the college network up and running. These centers are less public and require more tech knowledge. You could entice him to stay in college so that he might find part-time employment with the student center and, later, maybe at the operational center. This way, his skills are utilized, but only if he maintains his student status at college. Getting and keeping these jobs would also help his resume in the future, especially if he chooses a career in computer science.

Just my thoughts....

Hi, I have a 9yr old, and so my advice is going to be based on experiences having to do with relatives of mine that I highly suspect are on the spectrum. (My experiences differ b/c I (also not officially diagnosed) was more well-rounded in school.) I also have a 9 yr old son who is not well-rounded.

I know you are frustrated b/c you paid tuition but I think that starting with two classes that are not in his wheelhouse, was a set-up for failure. I know it is not your fault that this was what was available, but it started him out on the wrong foot.

He may just not be wired to get a degree with requirements that include those subjects. If he was struggling with a balance of courses in high school, even with less classes he may not be able to do it in college, even with a light course load b/c he may not have the foundational skills/abilities to analyze literature etc. Literature and social studies are very social and require insight into how (most) people think. I would encourage him to attempt to finish the classes (If he can do it without getting depressed) with the understanding that you will not worry about the grade but you will be proud if he can push through and at least complete the work.

I think if you want to give it another shot, it should be a legit online program connected with a brick and mortar college, where he starts out with comp sci or something in wheelhouse.

Some community colleges also offer stand-alone vo-tech programs that do not require irrelevant classes. Obviously I am not advocating for overpriced, for-profit BS. Alternately, he could study to get Microsoft or other legit certs. I am not a career counselor so there may be more options than I know about.

I know you want the bach degree for him, but it may not be something that he can do, or at least not right now, depending on what his level is in his limiting skill sets. The NT timeline doesn't necessary apply to our kids, and college may be something he needs to do at a later time. Pushing/nudging etc. can't just get it done in all situations. I suspect we will be in that situation, also, so please do not take offense. If the maturity levels/foundational skills are not there for the NT trajectory sometimes you need to figure out a detour.

I don't understand this. I live in a small town myself, but I've never heard of a college with so few options.
Have you thought about community college? They often have more technical programs, and don't require as many "bs" classes. He could work towards an associate's in a computer-related field. Later, he could use those credits towards a bachelor's if he wanted.

he needs to learn from experience.

Make him get a low paid job like grocery store bagger, or McDonalds employee,

Then he will be eager to learn!

Thank you for the replies. Let me elaborate a little. Our community college here in town is a very small offshoot of a larger campus 45min away. They offer mostly general education for students planning to transfer to a 4 year university. They don't offer any vocational programs that I am aware of. I'll explore this a little more as my wife has been doing most of the research. My son has already taken all the math and computer courses offered there through high school college credit classes. I'd love for him to take a 2-year technical program and avoid most of the gen ed classes, but it will require driving 45min. He does not yet have a license and it is not a simple drive down the highway, it is a maze to get there. He has serious internal compass issues -he gets lost in our small town. He could possibly ride the bus - I'll need to look into that option.

He could try online classes, however, I have taken several myself and found it hard to be motivated enough to follow through with them. I felt like it would be setting him up for failure that way also.

Yeah, motivation for different people is different. If your son is apt to get distracted by other things on the computer, or just other things in general, that can be hard too. You can be -there- physically but your mind can wander off. I was kind of thinking if it were something he liked, he might be more motivated than by a in-class lecture on something uninteresting. YMMV It just depends on your kid. Sometimes autistic hyperfocus can work to ones advantage, if it is the right subject.

My son is much younger, but we have had to home school, and I find for us, the material on the computer about subjects of interest is better than when I drone on about something he doesn't like. Of course sometimes the online stuff is in lecture format too, but my son will pay more attention to Sal Khan's lectures on math than when I ramble on about literature. (He likes math and lit is not his thing) So sometimes doing the right subjects will help.

My kids are too young for me to reply from parenting experience. Though I do admit that I fear I will be facing your fate in a couple of years.

However, when I graduated HS, I told my parents I wasn't ready to go to college. I just knew I was never going to be able to make it. They said I was going anyway. So I went, and I completely bombed out. I really wasn't ready to go.

A few years later, I felt ready to go and I went and I graduated with honors and distinction. I think it is important to keep in mind that sometimes kids on the spectrum are a couple of years behind developmentally. I know that doesn't help you now because you already paid for the tuition.

I will add that my parents forced me to get a low-paying job after I bombed out. It was a condition of living in their house. The low paying job did help motivate me to realize that if I wanted more for myself, I was going to have to find a way to make it through college.

I skimmed so sorry if I missed something.

My parents had no idea how depressed I was in and after high school. It was a continuously miserable experience. I can literally not think of more than 3 good memories from that time. Depression tends to kills motivation and pleasure, makes executive dysfunction worse, and pushes people away. It makes everything harder.

I had to deal with it on my own with exercise and such until I knew about and could pay for treatment on my own (my parents also didn't "believe" in depression). I wish it had been dealt with years earlier.

Anyway, I don't know if it's the case with your son, but it's something to consider. After I was feeling better I found a direction and followed it: nearly flunked out of high school and had to attend a local JC, but got my grades up there and transferred to the U. of California and graduated 2 years later.

I'm glad you brought that up. I try to watch carefully for depression in my kids as it ran rampant in my family growing up (both my brothers' attempted suicide). I have talked with him about it a few times and I *think* he's okay in that department, but it's good to have a reminder.

Very good advice. He is definitely immature for his age (as I was then too!) This may be what needs to happen.

Sounds like it might be time to try online classes. There should be tons available for computer science or IT related topics -- if you can get him to pick one that is interesting to him, his likelihood of success goes up. I would think that of all the fields out there, computer science would be the most likely to be able to be completed 100% online, if it turns out that format works for him.

Have you come up with a list of skills he needs to learn to be independent? What kind of path do you see him on (there's a wide range between "kick him out at 18" and "live at home forever")?

For driving, I would suggest getting a Garmin or similar GPS, and just teach him to plug in the destination every time he gets in the car. If he can learn to manage the actual driving, the GPS turn by turn directions can compensate for not having a sense of direction.

Make sure you get him off wheat, as it causes anxiety, depression and lack of functioning.

Sorry if this turns into a double post -- my first reply seems to have disappeared.

I'd suggest that since you've exhausted what's available locally, it's time to try online classes. The first class should be as closely aligned with his current interests in computers as possible. I would focus at first on figuring out what he needs to be successful in the online setting, and worry about aiming for a particular degree later. Computer science and IT are two fields where I would expect that you could find a way to complete your entire course of study online if that turns out to be the best environment for him.

What path do you see for your son going into adulthood? There's a wide distance between "kick him out at 18" and "live at home forever". Have you made a list of skills that he would need to become independent (driving, cooking, budgeting, morning routine, etc), and a plan for which ones to tackle first?

For driving, how is he doing with just the mechanical aspects of it (paying attention to speed, street signs, other drivers, etc.)? I think a good GPS with turn by turn spoken directions could compensate for having no sense of direction. There may be smart phone apps for walking directions and finding your car if that is a problem for him.

I suggest that you write off this term as a loss of time and money and not push your son to finish it out.
However, you should let him know that this was only his first try under non-optimal conditions of humanities classes that he probably hates if he is only into computers, but you expect him to try again next term, hopefully in computer classes that are a better fit for him.
Even though you and he lost the time and money from this term, I think that he can still learn from this and do better in future, esp. if you are supportive about this and let him know that you understand his difficulties, it is ok to screw up sometimes, but he must also know that he is expected to try and try again.

It’s difficult to comment on your situation, but I can relay my experiences.

While growing up, my parents had set quite lofty expectations (for both me and my siblings). When I was 18, I did what was expected of me. Which was to leave home and go away to a 4 year college. It wasn’t something I thought a lot about. It was just something I was “supposed” to do.

After a couple of weeks (at the away-from-home college), I realized that this wasn’t working for me. The social issues that plagued me as a youth, followed me to college. I actually thought that something magical would change once I left home and began attending an away-from-home college. After all, I was now an “adult”. And didn’t my parent’s friends all say that their college years were the best years of their lives?

Anyhow, my parents forced me to complete the 10 week quarter. After returning home, I became quite depressed. My only thought was, what am I going to do with myself for the rest of this miserable life? It was, without a doubt, the lowest point in my life.

Anyhow, my parents sat down with me and told me that I could continue living at home. But, there was a stipulation. I either needed to work (and in that case, there was the expectation that I would pay a token amount in rent). Or, I could go to a local university (essentially a commuter college) while still living at home. They offered to pay for the school, but indicated that I needed to maintain an “appropriate” grade point average. It was my decision (work or go to school). But that was the stipulation for continuing to live in their house.

I chose the school option. My parents didn’t help me register. They didn’t help me pick out classes. They forced me to “figure it out for myself”. Ultimately, it was a much better experience. As I attended college entirely anonymously. And because it was my choice, I made it my own personal goal to do well.

The experience taught me the importance of being self-sufficient. Which is so important, because I value my independence so much.