How not to embarrass your wandering six year old...

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My son, age 6, likes to wander.

Wandering from our home began last spring and first began as what I thought was a fluke but then it kept happening. Years before this, he would run off at playgrounds or parks whether traffic or bodies of water were nearby (sparking an ADHD diagnosis, as well as b/c of other things). He will actually straight up leave the house very quietly but he is a fair weathered wanderer. After questioning him a lot about this, I've come to learn that he knows where he is and he knows he is fine. In his mind, that's why he doesn't verbalize his desire to leave before he does it or something has over powered his interest outside.

When the wandering began, his diagnosis was upgraded (with full comprehensive evaluation) to autism spectrum disorder.

Right now, I am inclined to do all sorts of things to prevent him from wandering and also to aid in finding him, if he does wander. I don't want to mortify him or make him feel inferior with any of these methods. He is very smart & can communicate so while a medical ID seems like a great idea, if found wandering, he can tell anyone whatever they need to know (depending on his emotional state). He communicates with me all of the time but not everyone appears on his radar is my only concern. If someone were to approach him and he felt nervous, there is no way he would talk to them.

So what would you do if your child wanders but is quite capable of communicating his information? A) door chimes in the house, B) ID bracelet with a QRC or C) one of those little gps tiles on his shoe lace?

GPS, so you know where he is.
I wandered a lot when I was a child too, I'm not sure how far but many blocks from home, and my parents often didn't know where I had gone, they thought I was playing outside, and I always came home before they couldn't find me.

Perhaps a mobile phone will do? I believe there are some mobile phones designed for kids that allow only calling to a few numbers. You will know he can call if he gets in trouble and you will be able to tell him to get back home or simply ask where he is.

I was a wandering child too. I don't recall myself walking around as 6 year old but I am 100% sure I did as 8 year old when I become a latchkey kid. I was discovering the area about 1-2kms around my grandma house and I was always returning home safely before my grandma returned from work.

One of my sons, who does not have ASD, wears a MedicAlert bracelet (he's 9) and is not embarrassed about it at all. They now have many medical ID bracelets that don't even look like medical IDs. They have ones that are para cord, rope, silicone, watches, etc. There are even ones that attach to shoe laces that are very discreet. In my son's case, I chose a traditional one that can't be mistaken for any other kind of jewelry, because he has a life threatening condition that would cause him to be unable to communicate and requires immediate medical care- but he would have liked one of the "cooler" ones.

I would probably get my other son one if he wandered (but maybe not such a blatant one). Although, we live in the city. But, I would probably get one in a rural environment too- especially if there was a body of water or busy street nearby. I have heard some upsetting stories about autistic children wandering.

I would definitely get a wind chime too.

I was a wanderer and I would take off in less than a second whenever my parents were not watching. I couldn't talk and say my name so they got me this bracelet with my name and address and phone number on it and I wore it for over a year. I didn't even know what it was so I was not embarrassed. I just thought it was a bracelet. When I learned my address and phone number at age six, I notice my bracelet had that on there too. I still wasn't embarrassed. I didn't really understand what it was then so why would I be embarrassed about wearing a piece of jewelry? I can remember my mom telling me it's so people know who I am when I get lost and it has my information on it so they can find me. I still didn't really understand. I was language delayed so my cognitive level of understanding was lower.

I would do whatever was needed to prevent a six year old from wandering out of the house. Just because he knows where he is and where he's going does not mean he's safe. He's six. I don't know where you live but I live in an extremely safe area where we have almost no crime but a six year old would not be safe out wandering alone here either.

He could be out alone on the next block and get kidnapped, hit by a car, bitten by a dog, beat up by another kid. He could meet another kid and end up going off with that kid and getting into trouble. I would say that there is no time that a six year old should be allowed to just go out and wander around. Walking to school or a close by store or a friends house is reasonable because there is a time limit and you can check on when he gets there and comes back, but otherwise I'd put a double deadbolt on the door and hang the key out of his reach or put it in my pocket. I also wouldn't hesitate to embarrass him out wandering around if that would make him stop doing it. I'd rather have him frustrated that he can't get out the door, or mad at me for embarrassing him than I would for tragedy to happen.

I don't say that lightly either. I have 4 grown kids and they are NT's (but I think my youngest son may have a touch of AS and I have mild AS myself) and I was probably the least overprotective mother you could imagine, while not being neglectful or careless or allowing them to just do dangerous things. I let my kids walk places alone and with friends, but there were rules for it and if they wanted to do it they had to abide by my rules. They mostly did it and by the time they were teenagers they came and went as they chose. They just had to tell me where they were going and about when they would be back. I'm not one who is always worried about the off chance of tragedy striking because if it's going to, it will no matter what, but I also realized that common sense should be used.

I would really encourage you to put a stop to wandering like that and do it now. His safety is more important than his feelings or his frustration. I would say this is not a negotiable thing at his age. Tell him why you aren't allowing it anymore and that when he gets older so that he's safer out alone then you will give him some parameters to stay in and some rules about when and how to go and he will be given that privilege, but he's going to have to wait on it.

I don't understand the problem with having GPS bracelets for kids who wander off.

I'd child-proof lock the heck out of my home, strap a gps to the kid, add surveillance equipment, and enforce whatever fencing I had outside or triple lock the door up high if I lived in an apartment. Then I'd get a dog that can bark really loudly, and train him to alert me and stay with the kid. Then I'd chip the dog and add a gps to his or her collar.

There are some really scary people out there, and they release more every day.

OliveOilMom, I'm not allowing him or ignoring it. For a time period, I had all of his shoes on the top shelf of the hall closet because he won't step foot outside without shoes on. It worked at that age. The only times it didn't was when I wasn't careful enough. That was before his diagnosis though. Now that the diagnosis has been confirmed, I am taking a different viewpoint. This year, he would probably be able to circumvent any of those plans that I used in the past.

I'm not sure that it is a problem for a GPS for kids who wander but I don't think my son would wear it. I would have to affix it to his shoe. He wears a watch occasionally but that has more to do with if he wants to keep me on a schedule or I told him something would happen by a certain time.

He'd also likely take apart a watch or a cell phone to figure out how they work....that's his thing right now. He took his microscope apart the other day and I had to figure out how to put it back together. Yes, he regretted taking it apart. I think he was curious and started before he thought it all of the way through.

I guess I'm still formulating a way to handle this taking his personality & tendencies into mind.

I'm thinking maybe a smart phone....you could trace him with a smart phone--yet he would think he's a big deal because he has a smart phone.

Sort of like baby aspirin in the ice cream.

It sounds like affixing something to his shoe is the best solution, then.

One thing I like about the MedicAlert traditional chain bracelet is that they make the clasp in such a way that it is impossible for a kid to take it off. He would need pliers, and the strength to use them. MedicAlert does list Autism as one of the reasons to get an ID- specifically for the tendency of some people on the spectrum to wander and for the chance that they would be unable to communicate in an emergency.

But, if I had a wanderer, I might get a GPS too.

I see that you are really considering your child's feelings. And, my kids are different- but I, myself, would probably go with OliveOilMom's approach in this situation. If my kid refused to wear a bracelet or something on his shoe, I would probably say: "Too bad, you keep wandering and it is not safe. When you stop wandering, you can take it off."

Summer,

I posted another reply to somebody else on the thread explaining that I wasn't sure if you meant you were trying to decide if you should try to stop it or to just do something to track or reach him instead. I don't know where it went after I hit submit though.

Have you thought about explaining to him why and how it's dangerous to wander? I'm not saying that you should go overboard with the details of what could happen to him, but I'd let him know that there are crazy people out there who look perfectly normal but who will kidnap kids and they never ever come back home, and some who just hurt them and let them go, and sometimes good drivers have an accident and can hit someone with a car or a mean dog could get out and bite, etc. Tell him these things don't happen often and probably wouldn't happen to him but that good parents don't take that chance. Tell him that it's not safe to wander like that at his age and that you will tell him he is allowed to go that is safe and the older he gets the more places it will be safe for him to go alone.

Reassure him that when he's out somewhere with you he is safe and he does not need to worry about any of that, but to stay safe he has to mind you.

I know you may not want to mar his innocence by letting him know about those kinds of things, and it's sad that we have to do that but it won't traumatize him for life or anything. He has to learn at some point in time about those kinds of things, and if you let him know that there are dangerous people and things out there but just like dangerous things in the house such as knives, guns, a hot stove, lighters, medicines, bleach, etc, there are rules you go by to keep safe around them. He may ask a few times about the bad people and worry a little for a few days or so but reassure him every time that he's following the instructions about his safety so he shoudn't worry about it. Tell him it's your job to keep him safe from all those things, and that's what you're doing just like you keep him safe from medicines, knives, and the stove.

When I was about that age my grandmother told me about that kind of stuff when I wouldn't shutup about why I couldn't go around the block or walking around by myself. Except she went into a few grisly details of what those kidnappers do to little kids, and it didn't make me afraid of everybody I saw but it did make me stop asking to go places alone and it took the idea of sneaking off right out of my head.

Telling him why won't take away the urge to go probably, and it may not make him stop trying, but it may make him not do it as much or it may make him stop altogether, you never know. As long as you don't make it sound like you are reading him a detailed synopsis of a Law and Order SVU episode, you should be fine. Don't go too far the other way though and suger coat it and play it down almost all the way. Tell him the facts then tell him the odds of it happening to him and then tell him that you keep him safe and reassure him that he will be if he minds you. Also tell him what kind of punishment he will get for wandering if he does it again, and stick to that punishment. Punishment is a good deterrent and even though it may be a very strong urge, he has to fight it and if nothing else, punishment will show him that this is a serious matter. Don't be afraid of scaring him because he needs to be afraid of being out there alone and walking around with nobody knowing where he is.

I'd seriously get a double deadbolt and keep the key in your pocket if he would get it from a high hook. He can't circumvent that. However, even the most careful person sometimes forgets so you need to have something in place to help prevent it, which is the truth about the dangers and the punishment afterwards. As for the punishment, you should go through with it every time, even if it's very often or even every day because eventually that may start to do something. As long as it's not something that if done over and over and over would be seen as just too harsh, I would keep it up every time he did it. Maybe taking something he likes away for the rest of that day and if it's close to his bedtime when he comes back he loses it for half the next day too. He may get upset over that and have a fit, but keep at it. Putting up with his reaction to the punishment is worth keeping him safe. If he keeps getting out and you keep giving him the same punishment and he's still doing it after about five times, then change the punishment to something a little harsher. Maybe take away two things or something else instead of the original thing. It should be something that's important enough to him so he feels the loss during the time so make sure it's something like that. When you are deciding on a punishment that you know you are going to have to give over and over it's easy to decide on something milder so you don't end up feeling like an ass for having to do it, but I've always based the punishment on the seriousness of what the kid did. Let him know that too.

Thanks. I have talked to him about it, so has family members, his father, stepfather, his counselor, etc. We are working on it but I think sometimes things just don't click. It's not lack of intelligence or self restraint because he's a very well behaved boy.

If Grandma could have chipped me, I'm sure she would have.

I was a wandered, and I would lie about where I was going, too. I don't know if parental fears are over-exaggerated or if I was bloody lucky I didn't drown, break my neck, or get picked up by Chester the Child-Molester...

...but I know I probably took 20 years off Grandma's life by disappearing into the woods/creek/town for hours and hours at a time.

I would have resented the crap out of a tracker, but it would have saved Grandma a lot of worry. Could have saved my hide, too.

And yes, at 6, I'd probably put padlocks on the tops of the doorframes if necessary-- chip or no chip.

I have a friend who had to do this. Her ADHD son was a wanderer. She lived in a pretty safe little town, but still, a kid getting up and going out at 4 in the morning is a kid getting up and going out at 4 in the morning (she sleeps like the dead-- the house could fall down around her and she wouldn't wake up-- she's one of those people that has to set three alarm clocks and have someone call her).

She padlocked the front door and the back door. For a few years, she lived with the key on a chain around her neck. That wasn't enough-- she had to drive nails into the window frames about two inches up to stop him going out the windows.

Have you asked him why he does it? My son is really bad for this- this is one of my biggest problems with him, and I've tried everything anybody seems to suggest, EXCEPT I do not know why he does it. I feel like if I knew why he did it, I would have so much easier time making him stop. There must be a reason, and maybe if you know what it is, you can find a more suitable alternative to meet that need.

I think if he's going to be embarrassed, then that is a negotiation point. "You stop, or else....." kind of thing. If he doesn't stop, then the embarrassment is something he brought on himself.

Maybe there's no need to be so extreme with your kid. But mine has no sense of danger. He goes to the road with cars, he goes to the lake, etc. (On the plus side, I think my son would be quite hard to kidnap ). There's no room to care about his feelings. Better an embarrassed child than a dead one, you know. But maybe with yours it's less likely to happen, I don't know. Maybe a little bit of exploration is ok. When I was a kid, we saw our parents in the morning and played outside all day- they had no idea where we were and we were fine.