School Anxiety

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I haven't been on here in a very long time! We have been doing fairly well, my daughter is now 11 1/2 years old, she was diagnosed 6 years ago. Her main issues are anxiety and rigidity.

She was in a very small private school for elementary and transitioned to a large public middle school last August. The first two 6 week periods she did ok. She had some anxiety which the counselor and I worked on. Some couldn't be tackled, such as fear in the hallways (she would be seen running in between classes like a bull to the next class) and fear of going to the bathroom (she didn't once go to the restroom on school grounds until December). She also had a fear of the PE coach and people touching/stealing (she feared) her school clothes in the locker room while she worked out. The coach is a "typical" coach mentality-buck up, no whining, etc, etc.

Right before Thanksgiving she had her first major panic episode at school. Someone moved her clothes in PE and she really freaked out and it took a while to calm her down, meanwhile the other students were scared and gawking at her. A neighbor child calmed her down and luckily she only had one more class for the day and made it through that class. The school DID NOT call me about this episode, evidently the counselor was out of town.

That episode basically "broke the seal" on her being able to go through school and keep her anxiety in check (or hidden). She started being really grumpy and difficult to get out of the car in the mornings, and texting me all day saying "help me!" and "come get me please", etc.

Thanksgiving break was one whole week off school. Transitioning back after that was very hard, and then she became sick and was out of school 6 of the 10 days following Thanksgiving break. The following week was the last week before Christmas and the anxiety over transitioning back to school, all the missed assignments, etc was really bad.

She has issues with perfectionism so all those potential "bad grades" were stressing her out. And she won't initiate verbal communication with the teachers so the ones who approached her she did the make up work, the ones who didn't she just got the bad grades.

Anyway, the counselor started using "tough love" strategies with Grace at that point. I think she was afraid of her getting dependent on her because Grace was just going to hang out in the Counselor's or Nurse's offices during PE or at any time she was afraid to go to class. So the counselor actively discouraged her from seeking refuge. The counselor also became pretty tough with me-chastising me and telling me I would get a letter from truancy courts because my daughter wasn't attending classes. Which was making me angry and upset because she was on school grounds at those times and shouldn't the school be responsible for getting her to class?

Anyway, after returning from 2 weeks off for Christmas things have seriously deteriorated. She cried all day at school Monday, on Wednesday she got a report card with 4 B's (which shouldn't be a big deal but she hasn't had a B except one time in 3rd grade) and she is really emotionally invested in straight A report cards. (Perfectionism)

Friday she had a major panic attack when I tried to drop her off from school. It was bad. Hyperventilating, shaking, repeating herself. The nurse, crisis interventionist, and Counselor came out to our car and they were saying things like who wants to be the bad cop?, and that they were going to pull her out of the car physically which I told them NO, that was a VERY BAD IDEA, it would set her off, etc, etc. They act as if I am a criminal and don't know what's best for my daughter because I can't get my daughter to stop panicking and go in the school. Meanwhile all the kids being dropped off at school are able to gawk at my daughter having the horrible episode.

Sometime, an hour to hour and half later, they were able to get my daughter inside while she was clinging to me with panicked eyes saying "don't leave me!". The school officials got us inside and then tried to trick her, divert her attention and get me to leave. Anyway, I finally told Grace "you are safe" and I was able to wrench myself away and leave. She texted me for the next 2 hours horribly gut wrenching texts about how they just pushed her to class, help her, she couldn't breathe, etc, etc.

Finally they put her in the Focus Room, where she stayed from late morning-on. No work was brought to her. She sat in there alone all day (which she LOVED).

I know we have some rights here but I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to wage full out war with the school but I feel they should be a) helping Grace feel safe at school (tricking her or forcing her is no way to do that) and b) giving her the education the other kids are getting. Now here in Texas things are a bit different and the schools are still pretty bad with regard to denying rights, bullying parents, etc.

Of course, with her being so smart she can pass all of her classes while missing half of the days in the 6 weeks, that exempts her from Special Education (which I am happy about). But a 504 plan?

Help me figure out what to do. I have been giving Grace some Vistaril for anxiety in the mornings. I am on a wait list (until late Feb) for Psychiatric appt. Education and Medical systems are broken here in Texas (as I am sure they are so many places). I can't let her stay home or it will reinforce the anxiety but I need to get the school to take a more supportive/respectful approach because Grace is really smart but she is also rigid in her thinking and once you do wrong by her (as the counselor has) she doesn't ever reverse her opinion, she won't trust the counselor anymore and sees her as mean and the enemy.

Thanks for any advice! Sorry this is so long!

Do you have any other schooling options -- online school, charter school, private school, homeschool? I would start exploring those as your backup plan.

Try reading Lost at School and view the parent tour videos at LivesInTheBalance website and see if their problem solving technique would be a good fit.

I think this is a good idea too.

You can start gathering some documentation, i.e., doctor's notes etc. Does she have a therapist? If so, I would start by asking the therapist what he/she thinks are reasonable accommodations and ask him/her to write them up, then present them to the school.

You can also start contacting disability advocates and/ or special education advocates. I think (from your post) your daughter does not have an IEP, but they may be able to help you with a reasonable 504 plan and inform you of your legal rights. Also, just because your daughter is really smart, does not mean she doesn't qualify for services. In my state (and I suspect it is nation wide), there is a newish law that protects "twice exceptional" kids. This means that kids who are "gifted" but have an issue that gets in the way of their learning (which your daughter's anxiety is) have the right to get services and accommodations. Check the law in Texas. I googled "free education advocates Texas" and a lot came up.

So sorry. This sounds really stressful for both of you.

I am very sorry.

I agree you need an advocate and you need something in the IEP ASAP about them being responsible for her getting from class to class b/c her anxiety is not making her truant in the sense it would be for an NT pre-teen without issues just not feeling like going to class. It is part of her disability and a result of their lack of appropriate scaffolding for her. Not all children thrive in a sink and swim atmosphere and your child seems like my child in that way.

You might also look into private school and having them pay for it if they are not going to change their attitude/approach even with you bringing in an advocate. I think you will need to move her if they stay rigid.

I homeschool b/c I had a district with a similar approach/attitude but I am not at all evangelistic about it as we did it frankly b/c that was our best/only real option. I would have preferred an appropriate school placement if I could have found one. If you can find one you think your daughter would like, I think you may have to push hard to get them to put her there and for them to pay. The toxic environment of our school system was very detrimental to my son and it took months to detox him from it. We are lucky there was no permanent damage to him from it.