How should I raise my son.

Post Reply New Topic

He's 13 and obviously autistic. According to the schools he's a high functioning autistic which I'm not entirely sure what that means. He's in regular classes for the most part. He does have an hour of internventalists each week. He doesn't seem to have any friends in school. At home he's as thick as thieves with his sister who is two years younger. He spends a great deal of time "walking back and forth." He will pace/skip/run for hours while rambling on a stream-of-conciseness.

My concerns are that I'm not sure if I'm doing right by him insofar as his future. Should I push him harder in school work? Should I try to get him into organized sports (past couple times didn't go so well)? When he gets frustrated doing his school work should I knuckle down on him and have him work through it or should I just let him take a break?

Are there some hobbies that children in this classification do well at or enjoy more than others? Right now he's really into video games (minecraft) and I'm not sure if that's a good thing for him to be into.

I'm not trying to be lazy. I'm hoping that some of you grew up in similar situations can tell me what worked and what didn't and maybe give me some things to work on as far as goals for the future.

I'm not trying to be smart but have you read any of the other posts?
Then you might have come across where it's said that if you met one autist you have met one autist.
It's not some convenient catch-all label with a convenient solution.

Anyway, I'm off before the heavy artillery comes along. Too noisy for me

Welcome to WP.

It is hard to answer your questions without more information.

Is he happy? Is he able to care for himself to the degree a 13 year old is expected to care for himself? Do his grades reflect his ability? Not having friends, socializing with his sister, pacing, and monologuing are not "bad" things in and of themselves.

My opinion is different kids on the spectrum need different things. Our goal should be to help them be the best "me" that they can be. One of my greatest challenges is to realize that sometimes my kids are happy, despite the fact that they are not doing what other kids their age are doing, or despite the fact that they are not where I "thought" they would/should be. Another challenge is to try to separate out what is a result of autism and what is a result of usual kid stuff. My daughter, for example, has a willful temperament. So sometimes it is hard for me to know when her rigidity is a result of her autism (which I accommodate) vs when she is being stubborn (which I will help her push through).

Did something in particular happen that brought you here? Maybe that would be a good place to start.

Special interests vary just like they do with neurotypical kids. They may be less typical and more intense---but they really depend on the kid. Also not all autistic people have intense special interests.

As special interests go, Minecraft is a good one. I would encourage it because:
1) It's something he can discuss with NT peers at school and use as a point of commonality.
2) It's a low-violence game that develops spatial awareness, imagination, and three-dimensional building skills.
3) Because of its popularity, you may be able to find a Minecraft club or other special events he can attend. Friendships for kids with ASD are usually centered around a shared interest, so this could be a good chance for him to have more positive social interactions. You'll probably also notice other kids at these events who are likely on the spectrum, which could be another good opportunity for him to form friendships.

My son doesn't do well in team sports. He gets excited and confused and very competitive all at the same time, and this makes him lash out at other players and even coaches. He also has problems distinguishing between appropriate and inappropriate physical contact (if someone bumps into him he might kick them in response). We've pretty much decided that sports are out for him, except perhaps for track if he's ever interested in that. He has way more fun at things like STEM camp.

Daughter is 11. We have decided to only push school on the important things and for the rest let DD decide for herself if it is worth it. The important thing being maths and languages to which we expect her to give 110%. The extra 10% is the actual effort she got to make, maths is not her best. There is one other important thing for DD and that is horses. She has ridden since she was 5 and wants to be a horse wman when she grows up.
So she is expected to pass her first horse exam before the age of 15 which in turn will give her the right qualifications should she want to do higher education in something horsey.
ETA: She rides in a group setting and gets private tuition once a forthnight on top. If she wants to carry on with the private tuition (which she loves) she has to work tho get her rider certificate. If she chooses not to do the exam she would still be allowed to ride in the group sessions.


I believe it refers more to IQ than anything else. DD is diagnosed HFA and has an IQ of 95. The cut-off to be considered low functioning is 70 or 75, not sure on that one.

To be perfectly honest you need to have a counselor or someone working with your son. Because without knowing his issues and also knowing him as an intelligent young person, no one can accurately give you the best advice.

The only thing I can really tell you is that I was pushed into team sports (girls volleyball) for my own good. Within two days me and the volleyball team developed an unspoken agreement that if I just sat out on the bench at every game, I could be the "time out" person and they're supposed to rotate who's out but.... They all wanted to play and I didn't so it became permanent.

Well as you can see kids can easily undermine your best intentions if they are unwilling participants. Your son depending on his functional abilities is of a good age to participate in his own future by 13.

Specifically regarding team sports, we have found that they are not a good fit for my son. So we do more individualized sports, like kung fu. Scouting is actually a good fit, as well, as an activity, because the progress among ranks is individualized, but it also provides some socialization through group activities.

I've also found that except for problematic behaviors (which for us, are meltdowns) and some social skills training, letting him be who he is without trying to make him NT works better.

Ugh, just deleted my whole long post by accident.

Anyway.

My son is 17, heading off to college next year and doing really well. Here are some of the things I think he would tell you:

1. Your son should know his diagnosis, if he does not. My son has observed too many kids that he thinks are ASD but don't seem to know it, and they really struggle. It is his opinion that you can't compensate for a deficit you either don't know exists or don't understand.
2. Developing work-arounds and learning to compensate for deficits has to be your son's choice, not yours. Some he will work on, some he won't. We started years ago with dialogues on how my son saw his future, what his goals were, what mine were for him, and then what paths could get him there. In quite a few areas I had to explain that real life would never work the way he envisioned, and he would either have to adjust his goals or work on the deficits. Over time, he developed the will and determination to work through most of his deficits. It is hard work and it can be soul crushing at times (since to him some of that meant changing who he felt he was), which is why it really has to be the individual's choice. The road will never be a consistent straight shot, and you have to be patient with that, remembering that the road can't get traveled without the will to make the steps.
3. Pushing never works. Nudging and supporting are good things, at least until a certain age. Eventually you have to let your child make his mistakes and experience that, no matter how much excess weight you think that mistake might carry into his future that he is unable to understand at this point in time. My son looks at those ASD kids who seem lost and is grateful that he had so much support, nudging and guidance, but he is also eager to take responsibility for himself and at this age gets really angry when I try to shield him from the real life, long term consequences of his actions and inactions. Different personalities are going to have different lines and ages for that transition, so pay attention to your unique child.
4. Let your child chose his hobbies, activities and interests. Feel free to suggest, point and introduce, but remember that he has to choose. My son, just for reference, has really thrived with the following activities: Boy Scouts and Theater. He has friends, he has learned skills, and he has truly succeeded in both (he can't sing but he is an amazing character actor; you would be surprised by how many ASD kids thrive in theatre, even when they are really shy. Why? There is a SCRIPT. No guessing, no thinking about it, every line and move is set).

Some other notes:
A. My son is a pacer, too. It is a self-calming stim; that makes it a good thing. Teach time and place, but otherwise don't think twice about it.
B. Since your son is interested in Minecraft, you should consider encouraging steps into learning in computer programming or game design. There are so many free platforms for both out there, and that will allow him to test out possible future career choices, as well. Minecraft teaches a lot of the scaffolding one needs to use in those areas, so if he likes the game, he might also enjoy creating his own things from scratch. Lots of great summer camps teach the skills, too, so while they are expensive, I would recommend finding out if your son has any interest in one of those. Be careful of the age groups, though, so he isn't stuck with a bunch of much younger kids.


Hope this helps.

I pace sometimes when thinking or talking, it might seem a bit odd...but its more comfortable to do that than not to. As for sports, why didn't that work out well last time? Maybe it isn't the right thing for him...but maybe there are other extra-curricular activities he'd enjoy, then again if his classmates tend to pick on him or dislike him might be hard to enjoy any school related activity with those people.

If he is doing alright grade wise then he probably doesn't need much pushing, if he is struggling he likely would need more help than pushing. Also if he gets frusterated with home-work and taking a break and coming back to it later helps him calm down and deal with it better I'd say there is no reason to stop that...I know when I get frustrated at something it just makes my head hurt and causes more frustration if I keep on it without taking a break to refresh myself.

Also I do not see anything wrong with video games or Minecraft....of course it probably is important to try and make sure he's not spending too much time in front of a screen, and certainly encourage other activities...but I wouldn't try and stop him enjoying that particular one maybe just limit time spent on it if it seems he's on it too long or is neglecting school-work or other responsibilities....but entirely disallowing him to play video games or minecraft would probably be more counter productive.