Help please, I'm confused

Post Reply New Topic

My daughter's friend was diagnosed as having ASD about a year ago. Today she was talking to my daughter and me about not knowing whether she has it and some things she does and has trouble with that make it seem to her like she might. She doesn't seem to know that she was diagnosed, though.

I kept my mouth shut and tried not to look at her and she started talking about how people think you're lying when you don't make eye contact.....ouch!!

Is it best to keep quiet, or do I tell her mother, who I am friendly with but not friends with, that her daughter seems to want answers why certain things are difficult? I am already ostracizes enough and can't bear the thought of being more so, plus this child is one of my daughter's few friends. So I want to preserve that and am worried about angering the mom in a way that could interfere with a positive relationship.

I don't want to seem like I know it all, the child also said labels suck and I agree. But I feel bad for the child so if there is a polite way to suggest maybe she's best off hearing from who she loves rather than going to other people, I would want her to be able to do that.

What do others think?

25 minutes and too late to edit. I meant I'm already feeling ostracized and don't want to make it worse. Or interfere with the friendship.

I would say...unless you're really friendly with the mother, that you don't bring up what happened. Some people respond well to this sort of thing--others don't. If the mother talks about Asperger's/autism--then, maybe.

If the girl asks about eye contact and lying again, explain to her that, sometimes, people, at times, don't make eye contact because some people think direct eye contact is "staring."

It's hard to say without knowing the mom. If I was in your situation, there are some moms I know that I think would be open to hearing that, and others who would take it the wrong way.

Did the mother tell you the daughter was diagnosed? If so, then I would guess she would be receptive since she shared this with you. You wouldn't be telling her to tell her daughter, you would just be relaying what her child said so that she could consider whether she thinks her daughter should be informed or not.

Could it be that she *did* tell the child, but the child is questioning it? She wouldn't necessarily tell you about the fact that she was diagnosed if she doesn't know you know.

The mother told me after she was diagnosed, and the parents paid I think themselves, so they must have wanted to know and wondered.

The child could have been told and not understood, but I vaguely remember her mom saying they weren't telling her yet.

I see nothing wrong with telling the mother that her daughter was thinking about her traits and wondering if she is autistic. That seems like information that a parent would want to know to decide when is the right time to tell their child about the diagnosis.

You could tell her, and phrase it in a way that does not imply whether she should or should not tell her kid (as that is of course not your business). Say something like "I just want to give you a heads up, your kid was talking about this, I wasn't sure whether to tell you but I thought it's best you knew". Make no suggestions on whether she should tell her kid unless she asks. People really don't like unwanted advice.

I would just tell the mom the fact that her daughter was talking about this with your daughter.
You don't have to include your opinion on whether to tell her daughter about the diagnosis, but just tell her the fact that her daughter is wondering, since she might not know otherwise.

In this situation, I would encourage the child to talk to the parents, saying something like, "If you have questions about this, you should ask your mom."

Doing this guides the child in a good direction and also means you don't have to bring it up with her mother. It gives no hint at all about whether or not you know anything. The only thing you "know" in this situation is that it is good to talk to one's parents when one has questions like this.

I would say that I overheard her talking about it, but not offer any suggestions as to how to proceed unless she asked. If I were her I would certainly want to know that my child was talking about it. But I wouldn't want any unsolicited advice.

My son is only 7, but the barman at my rugby club* knows more about how school is going than I do. Some kids just don't talk to their parents.

____
*we are actually friends, so it's not just like he serves drinks to me.