Lonely

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I am grateful for all my children both nt and aspie but sometimes I find myself longing to connect more with my aspie daughter and lonely without the easy connection I have with my second daughter my eldest is wonderfully self sufficient and I am happy for that but just sometimes I would like to feel more connected and needed
Sorry for the moan I would really appreciate some perspective on this

I don't find what you said to be a "moan." I find your desire to connect to be natural and human.

How old is she?

I think that goes with the territory, right? A very legitimate problem when parenting a kid on the spectrum.

We've finally figured out how to "translate" each other and I now feel very close to DS after years of feeling like we were just completely missing each other. Communication is critical to connection, and it takes time to figure out how a particular kid on the spectrum actually communicates - but that doesn't mean there isn't a connection or a desire to connect - it just takes time and effort. It is a long slog for parents, hang in there!

I will keep working on connecting I hope she knows she is loved she is truly epic one thing that is difficult is that when she is sad the usual for the neuro typical hugs talks etc do not help I long to reach out and touch her but cannot
What helps when you are sad

Sorry waterfalls she is fifteen

At 15 I think kids can feel very different and guarded unless they're confident that they'll be understood. And since they see things differently than we do, that's difficult to achieve.

But don't be so sure you can't connect. Listening and trying to see her point of view might go a long way. Would she discuss with you what feels supportive? Because sometimes facial expressions and behavior don't tell the whole story how someone feels.

I think that is an excellent idea, sometimes we write to one another even though we are in the same room but usually not when connecting more when we have disconnected to the point where we have rowed or a meltdown has been had ( she panics when not understood) and I have found that writing statements like- I thought you were going to..... or I thought you meant... help and the dialogue goes back and forwards and it helps sometimes I think because the expressions etc are taken out of it.

I remember once in college I was really struggling and in despair - probably dangerously so. A friend of mine knocked on my dorm room door and simply handed me a stuffed animal he'd bought, saying "I know you're having a hard time and I know you want to be left alone, but I wanted to do something for you." Then he excused himself and left, so I didn't have to arrange myself to react properly.

I have never forgotten that. Sometimes a gesture that allows for space can be a powerful thing.

what a powerful way of saying he cared, without expecting anything from you in return

I do find sometimes when she appears to be having a hard time (it is really hard to tell sometimes she is very private and alexthymic I think is the term) that I tidy her room or change her bed or something just to try to show I care without invading her physical space with my presence, she likes things to be ordered and I can do it without intruding and I hope it shows I care.

I have had to let go of a lot of expectations of how things should be and go with how they are.

I think one of my lowest moments was when I overheard one of her friends saying how she couldn't live without her mum, and I felt somehow inside that my chick could live very easily without me specifically so long as her needs were met- which I know is a goal of parenting but sometimes it is hard to accept.

letting go of the image I had of how things should be was powerful for me

I really appreciate the input of everyone, my perspective is just one lense and I am guessing a lot of the time and I know only she knows how she feels and no two people are the same NT or aspie it does help to hear what has helped others.

What kinds of things interest her? If you can find some activity/event where you both can participate it can be a great way to build that relationship.

In my case my 15 year old loves anime (Japanese cartoons for those who are not aware) and she talked me into taking her to a local convention. While I didn't really understand any of it, she really seemed to enjoy explaining things to me. It was a nice first step to build a relationship that isn't based on me being the parent and her the child - that is a difficult transition for everyone.

Now whenever we are going somewhere in the car or otherwise 'forced' to spend time together she talks to me about anime. I still can't keep everything straight, but she seems to appreciate my efforts.

Have you considered the real possibility that the reason she is able to be so independent and self-sufficient is because she feels very secure in her relationship with you?

I have a friend who was exceptionally independent as a teen, and looking back, I think a very large part of it is because of her relationship with her mom. They were not the chummy, demonstratively lovey kind of mother-daughter pairing. They may have even seemed somewhat aloof from the outside. But from the inside, they had a level of respect for one another (both quirky, and wholly accepting of that in one another--at an age where most kids found their "regular" parents unforgivably embarrassing). I really think that freed my friend from a lot of the insecurity that kids that age feel. It made her bold and fearless. Not in the reckless kind of way. But in the independent and self-sufficient kind of way.

I have finally,finally!
got Mum to gently tap on the window!
before she comes in
my anxiety just makes me jump out of my skin

.... Iv'e trained a neurotypical to obey me!

It's been similar with my 17 year-old and 12 year old daughters. My parenting time with the older one is nearly over. The more self-sufficiency she has, the better. I know that she's soon going to be on her own. I just hope that she will be strong confident and capable. I hope that she understands that I will be there if she needs me. I hope that understanding and respecting her preferences (like she doesn't like to be hugged) keeps us closer in the long run.