Son 21 may have Aspergers

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I have a son 21 years old. It has been a struggle most of his life with his social skills. We tried to do all the right things with raising our children. We had a hard time helping him through school but he finally graduated. Since then it has been a minimum wage job and computer games gradually pulling away from social contact. He is living on his own but it is a struggle. Last year a social worker suggested Aspergers and in our minds it fit to a Tee. But he refuses to get diagnosed. I've talked to Autism experts locally and there is no help for people in his age group. Certainly they couldn't help anyway unless he wanted help and he does not.

So how can we help him? Who can advice us? What can we get guidance so we can understand.

We feel helpless.

A lot of people go through antisocial periods at some point between 12 and 25. And if he's spending several hours a day playing World of Warcraft or something, that will inevitably make it a lot more severe. But I'm in no position to guess...

It would be good for you to learn more about AS, and about what's going on with him (if possible), if only so you could feel sure about whether or not he has it. Getting a formal diagnosis sounds difficult, and as you've noticed, it's not necessarily going to be very helpful anyway, since there are no local resources for dealing with it. And if he has AS, most of what can be done is to adjust his life to make it as happy and productive as possible, because AS doesn't go away, it's part of who you are. All you can do is to try to help him into a life where the strengths of AS are exploited, and where the weaknesses aren't particularly a problem. If he has AS, he will probably never be a very social person, and it would be better to accept that than to try to force the issue, in my opinion. But he might be perfectly great at some other things -- obviously he gets along with computers well enough, and if he shows aptitude for that sort of thing, there's an example of an exploitable AS strength.

Hmm, I'm getting ahead of myself... the first thing to do, I think, is to try to feel sure one way or the other. Other than being increasingly non-social, what makes you believe that he might have AS?

somehow he needs to hear some sort of positive spin on this one....as in: telling him what good would come out of a dx.......in the end, you can't control whether or not he'll go to get a dx~we tried to get our nephew ( 25 y.o.) to get dx-ed, as we're positive that he's an aspie, but he refused and said:"I'm not stupid."..........don't get me wrong, we tried to put a really positive spin on things, but he just refused to listen. in the end, he's perfectly content to live at home with his mom & stay up late playing on his computer...mom doesn't seem to care that he does "nothing"..not even a job.

How come he doesn't want a diagnoses.

Can I just say congratulations for caring?! A 21 year old Aspie may still be a teenager and he is rejecting your help because it's coming from you. I wouldn't force the issue but like Ster says, keep it in a positive spin. I don't know what you have read about it but there is a lot of bias out there in autistic literature. Autistic traits are a disability in a world of neurotypicals. A contextual problem. You may want to refrain from commonly used words like "disorder", mental health, or deficits during this time. Maybe keeping some small paperback books around that address autism or Asperger's so he can read on his own.
Does he live at home? Maybe setting some goals for moving out or improving his lifestyle (if you think he is unhappy where he's at) will encourage him to face his issues.

Ster & Geek:
Thank you both for your words. They give me a few ideas. I will probably get my best success by learning more about AS and finding the good in it. I think this idea of trying to make him see it as not an illness or that he is stupid is pretty key.

I went through the symptoms and he has all of them. anti social, don't undrstand other peoples feelings, poor eye contact, can't carrying a conversation, very driven to talk about something which may to others to be minor.

On the other side if I want someone to quote me hockey statistics or that sort of thing....well he's got it in his head and you know he's proud of that. I need to focus on those things to help him cope.

KimJ: my son was living with his mom and we decided that he needed to be on his own. Well he has gotten through from last Fall to now. Lost his job and can't pay the rent. It tears my heart out to see him struggle but I know I have to watch him learn to care for his own wellbeing.

Likedcalico: My son I think doesn't want to be diagnosed because he thinks it means there is something wrong with him. and probably too because it is my idea for him to be diagnosed.

Been there, done that.. I was 19 and living at home though (23 now). It takes a long time to accept that something like AS may be why your life is how it is. I still don't know what do think about it, but I am getting more education now so I can get a better job later. He is young, tell him to get involved in some activity he likes (with other people), and maybe onto some sort of community college/tech/trade-school type thing. You're right, there is not much out there for people with AS who are over 18. Actually there isn't anything... but that's just how things are. He'll be fine.

edit: maybe bring up the subject again in a few weeks/months, maybe he will change his mind and get diagnosed by a professional... there are certain benefits he can reap from that at school (in terms of special services), and maybe he will realize his limitations and focus on things that will give him the most success in life... -my 2 cents

I think this is rather cruel. If he really does have AS, he needs support and help in learning social skills to survive. I have 2 teens with AS and I have AS and they have been receiving help since they were very young and still they are not prepared for real life. It takes a long time for someone with AS to grow up. I was cast adrift at a very young age and it was easier for me being a girl, but I suffered terribly and I had a damn hard life. I just don't understand your logic!

Aspies are generally very useful and independant minded, but, more often than not, they need real support in order to function even at a basic capacity. Support can come from employment, government, and family, yet most employers do not understand aspie work requirements, goverments supply few, if any, support programs, and aspies face a high rate of family abandonments. Aspies need more help but often receive less help. So, for now, we watch as many aspies struggle! We need this current circumstance to change soon!

Yeah, this pisses me off. To a certain extent, people with AS need to deal with their problems on their own, unfortunately. I think many employers miss out on good workers because they are not willing to look beyond certain quirks or traits that a person with AS may have, and see the potential in their abilities. The problem is many people with AS either won't/can't/don't know how to/understand how to effectively speak up for themselves and lobby government to get funding and recognition for us. If AS people were full of mouthy lawyers, business people, and had politicians as relatives, they would mount letter writing campaigns to government (like cancer patients do, for example, to get funding), and get listened to. Unfortunately when AS people fall through the cracks, they go unnoticed by most people for several reasons, and the problem just goes into the dark. I am confident things will eventually change for the better though.

If he really does have AS he may never learn to care for his own well-being. I would not hesitate to have my son live at home or fund his housing if I am financially able to do so when he is older.

I am guessing the only way your son will be able to support himself is through education. His mind is his best and worst asset. Don't think that the struggle will teach him something. He will only suffer. Be prepared for him to not be able to finish school.

It is different from an NT. An NT child will probably learn to support himself, make better choices etc etc. Sink or swim. If your son has AS he has many battles to fight that an NT person would not. He will sink.

I just wrote a long reply to all of you and the computer lost it....Oh well

My son has come a long way in the last two years and he is proud to be living on his own. Trust me, I am always there for him, perhaps in the shadows but I would never let him be at risk.
It's my job as a parent to prepare him for a life without me in it. Even though it is hard, the more independent he is, the better his life will be.
We had no thought about AS until last Fall and it explains a lot. We probably protected him too much already. I only wish we had a better understanding at an earlier age.
I try to help him without pushing him. I am proud of him especially now that I think I understand better what he has been dealing with.

What I am looking for in terms of help here is for ideas that might have worked for other people with AS.
By the way my son has finished high school and we have done a career analysis for him. He knows what he can choose for a career and be happy and successful at it. He has to make the choice himself though.

I highly doubt that that you have protected him too much. He's never had the benefits that AS children receive who are identified early. I realize you believe you are doing the right thing, but the facts are tha AS people who don't have support develop co-morbid conditions such as clinical depression and alcoholism at at much greater rate than neurotypical people.

It is a developmental DELAY (in terms of maturity) and you seem to don't want to accept the delay and expect him to adjust like an NT. There are no tips for dealing with this as it is a life long STRUGGLE. One can't overcome it. You have to compensate and that requires learning how to compensate.

I'm sure that there are things you are omitting since he has been in contact with a social worker. And he's probably been diagnosed with something like ADHD, I would suspect. But you now need the advice of a developmental psychologist in order to identify what kind of help he needs and how to give it to him. If he won't go for an evalution, you, as a concerned parent, can and should. You can ask: "how can I best help my son?" Because you are simply shooting in the dark right now.