NT folks need to research before giving opinions

Post Reply New Topic

Where do I begin? Daughter had her 18th birthday Tuesday gone. There were 9 of us, she wore a flashing sash '18 and legal' she felt very special and bought her first alcoholic drink though very nervous about it. She looked gorgeous.

What frustrates me is my sister and my niece. Very work oriented and always furthering themselves career wise.

Of course they care, but not enough to truly know aspergers/austism for the advice we got. Funny fact is my niece is an inclusion therapist for pre school children and also works with ASD adults. But do they really understand Aspergers/Autism. I think no.

I know my daughter and have been trying to encourage her to do cbt on her anxiety and get her to make calls to shops and ordering meals at restaurantes etc. She still doesn't love it and has varying degrees on anxiety with these situations. I have asked daughter to go to her math teacher she sees obviously frequently enough in class to ask for a referee for her resume. Day one has passed, she didn't do it.

Getting all this just do it advice, my eyes were glazing over, and realised they just dont get it. I tried to tell them what if my child's anxiety is a result of not knowing how, not in a NT way but with all other thoughts interferring (sensory input) its still did not compute with them. Just do it.

Sister - ( when Kay was little she wanted an ice-cream from the shop and i told her to go in and buy it, kay tried to get her brother to help her) he did not, so she went in and just did it. Oh yeah, I was a tough mum, but hey, it worked.

I said how far could I go in helping her get a job? Sister says if I were an employer and spoke mainly with applicants mum I would not give the applicant the job. Knowing my daughter, no chance in hell she is going to go in a department store and hand in her resume and ask for vacant jobs.

I am furious and feeling judged once more and feeling maybe they are right and I am setting my child up for dependant assisted living when my time comes.

Where is the fine line of encouraging my daughter and just respecting that her anxiety is that bad?
I would think anxiety for a NT is different for an Aspi with anxiety. Is it not?
Disheartened

Our daughter is dealing with some of these same anxiety issues with her therapist. They listed things in order of how hard or anxiety provoking they were. Things like making a phone call, going to a store alone etc.

By breaking down these tasks and tackling the ones that are less anxiety provoking she is making a bit of progress. I don't think it is a matter of just do it. They might accomplish the task but it isn't helping them find a way to make it more do-able.

Making relatives get a clue? Maybe find a good book on what Asperger's or Autism is like and give it as a gift.

I have anxiety and it is that bad so I can relate to your daughter. But unfortunately your niece and sister do have a point. the way life is set up, people do have to do things on their own like handing in their own work resumes and applications, asking about jobs and stuff. Most people will not hire someone when they have their mommies do it for them or have their parent come talk to them or call them about a issue or when they show up with their parent at their interview.

Have you ever tried pills for he anxiety? Sometimes that helps and it might make things easier for her because she would have less anxiety and she might have an easier time to do more?

I wish we had a cure to anxiety.

Unless you are going somewhere where they specifically hire people with disabilities and they will know your daughter has one, do NOT go into the interview with her or ask for an application, or hand in her resume. Potential employers are not interested in hiring YOU, they are interested in hiring your daughter. And if your daughter is not able to ask for an application, hand in her resume, or interview without you, it is unlikely an employer will see her as a good fit.

Regarding the anxiety, I don't know if it is worse or different for a person on the spectrum. I think NT and ASD alike can have varying degrees of anxiety. One of my young employees (NT) is probably more affected by her anxiety than either of my kids are by their wiring.

Whether or not your family is right? That is a tough one. What I can say is that finding that line is incredibly hard...what is the difference between helping them get to that next level and pushing them past what their neurology allows? From my experience, this seems almost impossible to predict and can only be judged afterward when you see what happens. Although my family is generally supportive, there have been times when they have said I am coddling my kids. It usually makes me really irritated, because I don't feel they are in a position to have an opinion on it. I do have to admit, on a couple of occasions, I "went along with" their advice and lo and behold, my kids were able to do what my family said they could. So, I guess I was holding them back. Other times, though, I have went against my best judgment and it has resulted in a major meltdown or other negative outcome.

Some anxiety-provoking things are more important to overcome, however. And I think the person with anxiety has to have a say in what is important and why. I can now order food in a restaurant...but I can't place an order during the phone. Why I pushed myself to learn to do the former and not the latter, when the former is probably more "difficult"? I can either have someone else place the order over the phone (and only they will know I couldn't do it) or not order, but when I am actually in the restaurant, I am in a public place, so I want to be able to behave in the expected manner. It used to make me really anxious, but not any more. I started by knowing exactly what I was going to order before I got in the restaurant so I would know exactly what I was going to say. Then I ventured to choosing from the menu in a familiar restaurant, then to choosing in an unfamiliar restaurant. I still won't order something if I am not sure how to say it but most restaurants have at least one thing I can pronounce!

At 18, I really feel your daughter is old enough to start being more of an active participant in determining what her goals are, what she wants to overcome, and what level of discomfort she is willing to tolerate in order to overcome it. Once she is doing it because SHE thinks it is important and it is something SHE wants, you will not need to worry about whether or not you are pushing her too hard. Then you just need to support her when trying to do what SHE wants to do is hard.

I think what you are seeking is validation for her crippling anxiety. I have awful anxiety and I know firsthand how difficult it can be. I can imagine how much of life must be difficult for your child!

However, I think you might find it best to strike somewhere in the middle of what you naturally want to do with your daughter (which does sound like creating dependency) and what your family wants to do (which completely disregards her very real struggles).

I'd suggest trying the "coach" model. Your daughter needs a safe place to land and it sounds like you are already doing really great with that. She also needs to grow outside of her comfort zone if she is to be independent. Instead of forcing it on her, try coaching her: help her research ways to calm her specific anxieties, role-play and practice the independent skills she will need (getting and turning in an application, for example), encourage small successes (asking a store employee a question, maybe not for an application yet, but words have been exchanged...little victories).

I'm not totally sure what the immediate issue is, if she is trying to get a job right now, or if everyone is looking off into the future discussing that. If the issue is immediate, the question is, how will the anxiety play out once she has the job? There is no point in getting her into a situation she will not be able to handle. If the ONLY hurdle is the resume/ask process, then working your personal network to find her a job at which she can excel will be an OK thing to do: you can explain to the contacts why this step is something your daughter cannot do, while also explaining why the job IS something she can do.

There is definitely a difference here between working potential jobs "cold," and working them via network. People who don't know you and/or don't share any connection of any sort with you will have no incentive to work around normal expectations. You have a much better chance networking.

If the issue is not immediate, short run, what you want is your daughter to continually, gently push herself. One baby step at a time. If you have to fill in steps for her, so be it. I've done that with my son for years, and he has no trouble telling me when I've gone too far (which was nearly everything I tried to do for him this year - I guess I've got the message now!). He is really glad that he has learned how to advocate for himself, and is at the point where he would rather fail trying it on his own, than succeed with help. But none of that happened over night. He took a lot of baby steps.

If the issue, as suggested by your thread title, is simply that the relatives won't accept all the above, while you know it all full well, then I think what I would say to the relatives is, "she will get there, but she has to do it in her own time, and her own way. ASD kids don't grow up the same as NT kids, but that doesn't mean they can't eventually find success." You can't expect them to research it, but you can ask them to trust that you have already considered every point they are trying to make.